My Quest

I
...There is something in me that is stronger than me...

Nay, there are two of them -

My Soul and My Beast - they are both stronger than me...

They both pretend to be me to turn me against each other...

Neither of them cares for me but only for one's victory over the other...

They are implacable and without mercy...

I can still hold my own against both of them when I know which is which...

It is when they turn into each other that I am confused, lost, beaten...

II

There is something in me that is stronger than me -

Despite my will, despite everything I put into my will to resist them -

Because they are the purpose and the end and they are here to thrash it out with each other -

And I only happened to be in their way -

And we are the Real Trinity...

III

What am I besides being a battlefield?

Do I have any essence besides those of my Soul and my Beast?

IV

I appear to be a fear of death, a passion for life -

I appear to be the inextricable fusion of both -

But I think I only appear to be that -

For I am something else altogether...

V

Perhaps I am a Will -

To control the forces raging within me,

To raise myself above them,

To rise, above all, to rise,

To see the Way, the Truth, the Hope...

Yes, I am that Will

But not only that am I...

Oh not only that am I,

For then I would have been content

And I am not...

VI

Perhaps I am a Supreme Indifference

To cold, to hunger, to deprivation,

To the triumph of Evil over Good

And of Lie over Truth

And of Ugliness over Beauty

And of Nothingness over Importance

And of Man's Inhumanity...

But then I am not that

Because I cannot be indifferent...

VII

Perhaps I am a Measure of Things

And a balance, and the scales of justice

And that which distinguishes between Good and Evil -

Yes, that I am, surely, that I am

But is that really all that I am?

VIII

Joy is for simple souls,

Happiness - for the righteous,

I am a man tormented,

I seek only rest...

For I am dead tired

Both of my hate and of my love for myself

And of its never being what it is...

And - oh yes, that, of course - of trying to be myself...

And of still caring for myself, whatever it is...

IX

I know the answer...

The Real Trinity is there -

Death, Sleep and, in between, Dream...

I am a Dream...

The Beast shall die, the Soul shall sleep

And I shall have my Dream...

For I am what I dare to be...

25 August 1996

Seacox Heath. East Sussex/Kent. England