THE RUBICON. Maxim Titovets
a play in two acts
Translated by Ekaterina Zudova
«Last night I had this dream: The sea at dawn and a pat of flamingos by the water…»
«I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself». David Herbert Lawrence.
«Seek, and ye shall find». Matthew 7:7–8.
CHARACTERS
Oleg (Sea Lion), owner of the Rubicon Hotel, 51 y.o.
Nadya,his wife, 43 y.o.
Makar,his brother, 48 y.o.
Katya,Nadya's daughter from her first marriage, 18 y.o.
Andrey, 21 y.o.
Polina, 19 y.o.
Stvolov (Chopper), age unknown
Agap,hotel's employee, 35 y.o.
The action takes place in present-day Russia.
PROLOGUE
Twenty years before the time the play is set.
A cold May night. A rapid of a mountain river. Wet stones are gleaming in the moonlight.
A scream rends the dark. It's a woman. Something falls into the water, making a short heavy splash which is quickly drowned out by the rumbling of water.
Oleg comes out of the darkness, clothed in a sailor's striped shirt, clenching a flashlight. A beam of light is sliding confusedly along the river and stones.
Makar is sitting on the edge of the cliff. Oleg aims his flashlight at Makar. Makar turns around. His face is covered in blood.
Oleg. Makar. You got your nose smashed. Where is Vera?
Makar.[He paws at the ground, aghast.] Eh?!
Oleg. Makar!
Makar. Oleg. It's not my fault ... she did it herself.
Oleg. You drunken fool! What have you done?
ACT I
Scene 1
The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner, the parlor with panoramic windows. There are a few tables and a bar counter.
Evening. The storm is raging outside.
Andrey is standing in front of the bar counter. He looks around, then approaches the tableware stand, takes a fork, and puts it in an inside pocket of his jacket. After that, he picks up a knife, stabs an invisible opponent in the neck a number of times – his movements well-practiced, – tests the knife sharpness and puts the knife back on the table. Polina enters the stage. She goes down the stairs from the second floor carrying a tray.
Polina. Have you no shame? Stealing cutlery.
Andrey. No idea what you are talking about. I was just about to ask for the menu and order a bottle of good wine.
Polina. Garbage. You don't have enough money to order a bowl of soup, let alone a bottle of wine.
Andrey produces a fat wad of shabby banknotes out of his pocket but then quickly puts it back.
Andrey. What are you doing here?
Polina. None of your business.
Andrey. You are a movie star, I'd wager. An actress? A supermodel?
Polina. I'm not. Who do you think I am?
Andrey. A waitress.
Polina. [Pause]. Well, and what are you up to when you are not busy stealing cutlery?
Andrey. To be perfectly blunt, I am looking for a job.
Polina. And what did you do before?
Andrey. Spent days in an asylum, served time, holed up in various places.
Polina. You were in a loony bin?
Andrey. That's right.
Polina. After falling across a mean waitress, huh?
Andrey. Kinda. Do you see this foot?
Polina. So?
Andrey. I cut off my big toe with an axe.
Polina. What?! Why would you do that?
Andrey. To dodge the draft. Wanna take a look?
Polina. No way. I have no intention to see your stump. Damn, you really did that?
Andrey. Yep.
Polina. For crying out loud, what a place! It seems that our Rubicon is not really a poky hole of a place, considering its loony visitors.
Andrey. May I take a picture of you?
Polina. Why?
Andrey. It'll be a proof that angels exist.
Polina. You are a funny guy.
Andrey. Not in the least.
Polina. One of a kind.
Andrey. Not in the least.
Polina. Yes, of course, you are
Andrey. Not in the least.
Polina. [Pause.]Right. Not in the least.
Andrey. What is your name?
Polina. Try to guess.
Andrey. People call me Andrey.
Polina. Well, if they call you, you should probably go.
Andrey. My psychiatrist says that we should accept others as they are.
Polina. Well, alright, the therapy session is over.
Nadya appears from the kitchen and stands behind the bar counter.
Nadya. [To Andrey.] Here's your change. Your room is on the second floor. We serve breakfast at eight. The bar is open round the clock.
Andrey. Bingo!
Nadya. Polina, escort our guest to his room.
Polina. Welcome to the Rubicon Hotel.
Nadya rings the bell on the counter. Andrey and Polina take the stairs up to the second floor.
Andrey. Polina?
Nadya. And tidy up upstairs!
Makar appears from the second-floor corridor and runs into Polina and Andrey in the stairway.
Makar. Hi. How's work?
Polina. Great! Hope to be a waitress here for the rest of my life.
Makar. What a bit of good!
Polina. [To Andrey.] Are you married? You have a ring.
Andrey. It's a gruesome story. When I was a child, I was kidnapped by ornithologists ...
Andrey and Poline leave.
Makar. The Moon is as beautiful as ever, outshining the Sun itself!
Nadya. A nice suit. [Pause.] Didn't they have your size?
Makar. Nadya.
Nadya. Don't take chances, Makar.
Makar approaches the door leading to Sea Lion's study, peeps through a key-hole, and presses the door handle. The door is locked.
Makar. Nadya ...
Nadya. Your brother lets you stay here out of pure generosity.
Makar. Say just one word.
Nadya. Go away, you viper.
Pause.
Makar. So, where is my goody-goody brother?
Nadya. At the old ranger station, with the gamekeeper.
Makar. A raid?
Nadya. Some tourist has been ripped apart by a bear.
Makar. Poor little bear. These two won't let it go.
Stvolov walks in.
Nadya. Welcome to the Rubicon Hotel.
Stvolov. It's raining like hell. How are you, mistress?
Makar. [Aside.] Could be better.
Stvolov.Pour me some coffee and get me a bite to eat.
Nadya. What about something stronger?
Stvolov.A cognac, please.
Makar comes up to the window and peers into the darkness.
Stvolov.That went down good.
Nadya. Have a slice of lemon, it's on the house.
Stvolov. There's this village, Bear Creek Valley. How long will it take to get there?
Nadya. Why would you go so far at this time of night?
Stvolov. I'm going to see my brother.
Makar. How long has he been in jail?
Stvolov. He is a hydrologist there.
Makar. Hydrologists, geologists ... Our gold makes everyone restless.
Nadya. Bear Creek Valley is three hundred kilometers away from the city. And we are right in the middle. The Rubicon.
Stvolov. The Ru-bi-con.
Makar. He's gone.
Stvolov.Who's gone?
Makar. Your taxi driver.
Stvolov leaps up, dashes outside, and then comes back.
Stvolov.Piece of shit. I didn't get the plate number.
Nadya.And your bag's in the trunk.
Makar. Count your lucky stars he didn't bump you off on the way here.
Nadya.God spare us.
Stvolov.That's a fine how-de-do you have here.
Makar.It's a dog-eat-dog world.
Nadya.Welcome to the Rubicon Hotel.
Scene 2
The stage setting is the same.
Sea Lion and Agap enter. Sea Lion is dressed in a sailor's striped shirt. He is carrying a leather travel bag.
Agap. Fuck ...
Sea Lion. What?
Agap. I got soaked to the bone and almost froze to death.
Sea Lion. It's because you are a wuss.
Agap. I'm frozen stiff because of this wind.
Sea Lion. So, warm yourself, knucklehead. Maybe then you'll hurry up your ass.
Nadya. [Aside.] Speak of the devil.
Makar. Agap! The street lamp isn't working again. Go and fix it!
Agap. Suck my dick, will you?
Makar. Sure. If I can find it.
Sea Lion. [To Agap.] First feed the cattle. Then move the jeep to the pit, the U-joint's clunking. [Handing his car keys over to Agap.]
Makar. So, goodbye, poor little bear ...
Agap leaves.
Nadya. Hello, Oleg. How did it go?
Sea Lion. [Looking at Agap.] The priest has gone away – the devils in the churchyard play. [To Nadya.] How many guests are here today?
Nadya. The place is chock-full.
Sea Lion. Where's Polina?
Nadya. I've sent her upstairs to do some cleaning.
Sea Lion. Send her in.
Sea Lion unlocks the door of his study with a key and disappears inside.
Scene 3
Sea Lion's study.
Sea Lion is seated at his desk. There is a knock at the door. Polina enters carrying a tray. She puts a jug of water on the table.
Sea Lion. Sit down. I'll pay you up.
Polina. Alright, Oleg Sergeevich.
Sea Lion. You need money, don't you? And yet you're pussy-footing around it, not bringing the subject up.
Polina. I do. You promised to pay me.
Pause.
Sea Lion. We agreed on twenty five grand a month.
Polina. It was thirty grand.
Sea Lion. No. Twenty five. It's written down right here. I always pay twenty five thousand to the help. You've been working here for two months.
Polina. Two months and seven days.
Sea Lion. Exactly 2 months. You don't get paid for the probation week.
Polina. Alright.
Sea Lion. Fifty grand in total ... Minus eight Sundays off. Meaning out with seven grand.
Last month, the road was blocked for three days. We had no guests, so you didn't have any work. Minus two and a half.
Polina. But I cleaned and scrubbed the whole hotel and brought a ton of wood ...
Sea Lion. And who made lunch for you back then – Pushkin?
Polina. I had even strained my back and spent two days in bed with a fever afterwards.
Sea Lion. Here we are, minus one and a half. Thirty nine grand in total.
Polina.[Remaining silent.]
Sea Lion. Two weeks ago you dropped an entire tray of food for one of our guests. That's minus four grand. Thirty five in total.
Polina. But ...
Sea Lion. And by the way, the crockery costs much more than that. But that's okay, not a big deal. Later on, a bunch of drunken fellows took French leave without paying the bill. That's another ten grand. You should have watched out for them! And yesterday eight grand went missing from the cash register.
Polina. I didn't take it.
Sea Lion. No one else could do that! Or are you telling me that I did?
Polina. I'm not.
Sea Lion. That's a good girl. Thirty five minus ten and minus eight. It's seventeen grand then.
Polina. I only borrowed money once ... Three thousand from your wife. She can confirm that. But I have never taken any money from the cash register ...
Sea Lion. Oh yes? You borrowed three thousand from Nadya? I didn't know about that! Seventeen minus three is ... humph ...
Here is your money, Polina. Sign here.
Polina takes the money, signs her name, and leaves.
Sea Lion. Piece of cake. Only the strongest survive.
Polina comes back.
Polina. That last time, you said I'd earn more. I really need money. What should I do?
Scene 4
The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner.
Makar. What was it like before?
Stvolov.What?
Makar. That's just the point! And now what?
Stvolov.What?
Makar. Gee, that's exactly what I'm talking about!
Stvolov.Fill it up.
Makar. And as for mobile service, we've never had it here. Dense forests!
Polina. That's a hell of a storm outside.
Makar. The road is washed out now. You won't be able to get out of here tomorrow, Stvolov.
Stvolov.I'm virtually born under a lucky star. No wonder I didn't like the ugly face of that driver.
Makar. You know what they say here? Whack thy neighbor, punch him hard, jump on his chest. Then you'll have the edge over the rest.
Nadya appears from the kitchen and stands behind the bar counter.
Nadya. Where do you mean – here? Look at him. Wasted again.
Makar. By no means ...
Nadya. [To Stvolov.] Your room is on the second floor. Polina will escort you. Welcome to the Rubicon Hotel. [Ringing the bell.]
Polina. We serve breakfast at eight. The bar is open round the clock.
Stvolov. No flying from fate. Do you have a phone here?
Nadya. It's at the entrance.
Stvolov rises from the table and makes his way towards the phone.
Stvolov. It's not working.
Nadya. They've been palming us off with promises to get us a phone line for three years.
Stvolov.The Rubicon.
Makar. Rumor is they had to send to the bottom a whole ton of Viagra to get Titanic up.
Stvolov. Mistress, two more.
Makar. And a bite to eat!
Stvolov. And a bite to eat.
Nadya produces a decanter of vodka. Polina brings it to the table.
Makar. There was this philosopher who stopped by here.
Stvolov. A philosopher?
Makar. Well, something of the sort. He shared an interesting observation with me, in secret. An idea, let's say.
Stvolov. An idea?
Makar. The law of life!
Stvolov. So?
Makar. What should a man say to his woman in order to maintain harmony in their relationship? [Casting a sidelong look at Nadya.]
Stvolov. I don't know.
Makar. It's a simple phrase, just learn it by heart. It goes like this: "I know what it feels like, my darling."
Stvolov. Hm ...
Makar. And what should a woman say to her man? On any occasion.
Stvolov. ???
Makar. "Yes, master!"
Polina. [Bursting into laughter.] Oh, I'm sorry.
Makar. Watch and learn, Polina.
Nadya. Dinner will be ready soon. [She goes to the kitchen.]
Makar. I've had my fill with them!
Polina. Here, have a bite, Makar Sergeevich. [She serves them some cold snacks, then goes upstairs.]
Makar. What a bit of good!
Polina. Yes, master. [She leaves.]
Stvolov. That's a hot little number.
Makar. She fell for me.
Stvolov. That's bullshit. Can you get a night with her?
Makar. Go and ask her yourself.
Stvolov goes upstairs.
Scene 5
The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner.
Nadya.That's some turnout today...
Makar.And yet our Rubicon's said to be an armpit. Just look at how many people stay here!
Nadya. The hotel is full.
Makar.All the three rooms?
Pause.
Nadya. This ... drinking companion of yours, Stvolov. Demanding a phone, fancy that! What's the use of it, one may ask?
Makar.The whole thing is just money-losing.
Nadya. I only want to put Katya on her feet. As soon as she graduates, I'll never set foot in this kennel again. Never!
There is a loud sound of a bunch of dishes hitting the floor and breaking upstairs.
Nadya. What's going on there? This nasty girl dropped the tray again. I'll teach her! [Going upstairs and disappearing.]
Makar approaches the cash register, opens the cash till, grabs several banknotes, then closes the till, and steps away from the bar counter. Polina appears in the stairway. She goes downstairs carrying the tray full of broken glass.
Polina. A client smashed a jug to pieces, it's a hoot! The Gorgon's gonna make him dip into his pocket.
Pause.
Makar. Is it hard for you here?
Polina. I'm a robust girl.
Makar. Life goes on. Even if we don't really live.
Polina. Anyway, it's better than walking the track.
Makar. Walking the track?
Polina. I've heard a lot of stuff from my sister.
Makar. But they have a whole new level of earnings.
Polina. Tell these tales to someone else, Makar Sergeevich. I know myself.
Makar glances back and then pulls Polina towards him. Polina breaks loose and, without taking a swing, slaps Makar across his face.
Makar. Oh, please, dolly girl. It's gonna end up like this anyway, why playing Madame Butterfly?
Polina. Next time I'll hit you on the head with this tray. It'll cost you four grand according to our price list.
Makar. Come on, I was just kidding.
Polina. Just kidding. This ain't my first rodeo.
Pause.
Makar. Do you want to leave this place for good? Come to Moscow with me.
Polina. Moscow?
Makar. I mean it. Say yes.
Polina. For real?
Makar. [Looking over his shoulder at the kitchen door.] I'll get my share of the hotel stock from Sea Lion and then we can get going!
Polina. Your share? From Sea Lion?
Makar. Easy peasy.
Polina. Ha!
Makar. I've had my fill with him! Just don't tell anyone.
Polina. My lips are sealed. [She goes to the kitchen.]
Scene 6
The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner.
Sea Lion's study.
Sea Lion. To Moscow? For good?
Agap. For good.
Sea Lion. A share of the hotel stock?
Agap. Yep.
Sea Lion. Agap! I'd really like to clean your clock ...
Agap. Why?
Sea Lion.You're saying these unpleasantries with too much relish.
Agap. I'm just ...
Sea Lion. What else did they talk about?
Agap. I told you all I've got.
Sea Lion. That's too bad!
Agap. It was too noisy in the kitchen.
Sea Lion. And what about the key-hole? Have you forgotten what I taught you?
Agap. Makar was way too far from the door.
Sea Lion. Watch it, Agap. If I find out that you're in cahoots with him, I'll skin you alive.
Agap. Boss!
Sea Lion. You can go now.
Agap leaves.
Sea Lion. What are you up to, Makar?
Nadya enters carrying a tray with a glass of red berry juice.
Nadya. Cranberry, just like you like it, my sweet sailor.
Sea Lion. [Drinking the juice]. Thank you.
Nadya. We have to send money to Katya.
Sea Lion. Money?
Nadya. To pay for the second semester.
Sea Lion. Does anyone really need this education?
Nadya. We do.
Sea Lion. Paying to the help while having our own worker!
Nadya. Katya won't be scrubbing floors for the rest of her life, will she? Enough's enough.
Sea Lion. Enough?
Nadya. Eighty three thousand for the second semester.
Sea Lion opens a drawer of the desk, counts out the money, and hands it over to Nadya.
Sea Lion. Call Makar.
Nadya leaves.
Sea Lion. There are many honest people but there are fewer and fewer decent ones.
Makar enters the study.
Makar. Nadya is angry at me again.
Sea Lion. No, Makar. It's me who's angry at you. Nadya just doesn't want you.
Makar. Just spare me your lectures, I'm out of sorts today!
Sea Lion. Fine.
Pause.
Makar. Do you have something to drink? [Without waiting for a response, he opens the mini-bar fridge and pours himself a glass of whiskey.]
Sea Lion. How much did you lose to the swindlers in yesterday's game of Bura?
Makar. So, somebody's already ratted. I was just about to cut out but they dragged me back in.
Sea Lion. A freaking Al Capone.
Makar. Around hundred grand, maybe more.
Sea Lion. A gambling debt is a debt of honor.
Makar. You want me to get stabbed?
Sea Lion. You're used to it, aren't you?
Makar. It's not funny, Oleg. Give me the money.
Sea Lion. Perhaps you'd also like a share of the hotel stock?
Makar. Ha-ha-ha! I saw this creep ambushing in the kitchen, so I faked him out.
Sea Lion. Right, you're a real master of lurking. While Agap still has a lot to learn.
Sea Lion opens the drawer again, gets a wad of banknotes out, and offers it to Makar.
Sea Lion. One hundred and fifty. It's the last time I give you money this month.
Makar. Thank you, my boy.
Sea Lion. Pour me this whiskey too.
Makar. How much?
Sea Lion. You don't see the edges?
Makar. As the saying goes, trust in God but lock your car.
Makar pours a full glass and puts it on the desk in front of Sea Lion, then tops off his own glass.
Sea Lion. Godspeed.
Makar. Here we go.
Pause.
Sea Lion. Someone's digging into us.
Makar. Who?
Sea Lion. You tell me.
Makar. Everything comes at a price. We're bound to pay it some day.
Sea Lion. Oh, please, give these loads of philosophical garbage to your skirts!
Makar. There's rumor going round the village that an officer came to the far mine, asking all about the gold.
Sea Lion. That nosy dork got mauled to death by a bear yesterday. An accident.
Makar. Poor little bear.
Sea Lion. The Siberian forests are vast, there are enough bears for everyone.
Makar. We'll deal with the locals but my gut tells me that the digging was initiated in Moscow.
Sea Lion. Merp.
Makar. Our gold makes everybody restless. Speaking of which ... How much did you get this time?
Sea Lion puts the travel bag on his desk. Makar opens it and gives a whistle.
Makar. We'd better beef up security. All kinds of loafers are hanging around here. [He takes the bag by the handles, weighing it, and puts it back on the desk.] Around eight kilos of pure gold.
Sea Lion. Katzmann advanced the rate.
Makar. Son of a bitch!
Sea Lion. We all earn money as best we can. Now's not the time to pick a fight with him.
Makar. A la ger com a la ger. I say we bring this huckster to heel later. We'll get our share of the cake, be sure.
Sea Lion. They won't get me. Neither by force nor in any other way. I will use my own teeth to rip out their throats!
Makar. Tusks.
Sea Lion. What?
Makar. You will use your tusks to do that. You are a sea beast, Eumetopias jubatus, Steller's sea lion!
Sea Lion. Get out of here.
Pause.
Sea Lion. When the rumpus starts, I'll set up all-round defense. And if it comes to the push, I'm gonna have to lie low. But you know what, Makar?
Makar. What?
Sea Lion. My brother. Makar Sergeevich. When the going gets rough ...
I'll look around. And if you aren't here, I'll know that you'd set off in quest of your fortune and I won't see you again.
Pause.
Sea Lion. And if you are still here, it'll be clear to me that my beloved brother has only one wish – to be here, with me. And you, Makar, will have to prove that to me in deed every single moment.
Makar. I won't betray you, Oleg.
Sea Lion. Splendid. Good talk. You can go now.
Makar. Ear to the ground.
Makar walks towards the door.
Sea Lion. Makar!
Makar. What?
Sea Lion. Put back the money you've stolen from the cash register today. Do that again, and I'll break your fingers.
Makar. Okay.
Makar leaves.
Scene 7
The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner.
Late in the evening, rainstorm outside.
Andrey is sitting alone at the bar. Polina goes out of Sea Lion's study, carrying a bucket full of trash. She goes outside, then comes back to the diner, washes her hands, and lays the tables for dinner.
Polina. So, what happened next?
Andrey. I checked myself out of the mental ward and got a chance to pay off my debts.
I walked away with seven tons of iron! I was the only convict. The judge was like: "How did you manage to carry seven tons away?" I was just standing there and then I was like: "Bit by bit, Your Honor."
Polina. Seven tons?!
Andrey. He said: "Alright, you'll serve two years." And guess what? That's it, I wound up in jail as expected.
Polina. And your dope mates? Weren't they busted?
Andrey. Forget about them, they are all dead. As for me, here I am. Back on the right track.
Polina. And where are you going now?
Andrey. This is a big country. You know how that song goes: Did you ever see a robin weep When leaves begin to die? Like me, he's lost the will to live. I'm so lonesome, I could cry.
Polina. Are you going back to the asylum?
Andrey.By the look of it, no. Not right away. The doctor said he doesn't want to see me right now. He wants my health to improve.
They don't see me as a loony. Long story short, it's all for nothing.
And, to be honest, I got bored anyway ... I thought maybe I do have some problems they could find and that I can claim some kind of allowance or whatever ... And then they allege that my mental health is in good shape, but I can tell they're lying!
Polina.Maybe you should marry ... or go to Moscow?
Andrey.I'm not a fan ... there's nothing there. And nothing here, nothing new... I dunno, sometimes I even think that it wouldn't be that bad if some humanoid aliens attacked us. For a change, you know.
I won't be bothered with booze or dope because I already know what it's like. And it's true for other kinds of things. It will never be the same as it was for the first time. Nothing will be the same!
The first time you do something, you're both scared and excited and it feels so very special, but then it's all gone ... And you're like, you know, a dog chasing its tail, unable to catch the same thrill as you've experienced before ...
Polina. Andrey!
Andrey. What?
Pause.
Polina. You are ... extraordinary.
Andrey. Not in the least.
Polina. You have no idea.
Andrey. No, I'm definitely not!
Polina. Yes, of course, you are.
Andrey. Absolutely n...
Polina kisses Andrey.
Andrey. So, Caesar crossed the Rubicon.
Polina. Do you even know what kind of courage you need to be nobody and still be yourself?
Andrey. Yes. I know what you are talking about.
Polina. [Aside.] He knows ... So the philosopher was right. The Ru-bi-con. To Andrey.] I don't usually kiss guests, perish the thought.
Pause.
Andrey. Will you come to Moscow with me?
Polina. To Moscow. It's as if you all collaborated! There're not enough trays to go around.
Andrey. What?
Polina. Uh, it's nothing.
Andrey. Why would you stay in this hole of a place?
Polina. My mother is sick and she's alone in the village.
Andrey. And my mother died. Long time ago. She was killed.
Katya walks in.
Polina. Katya! What brings you here?
Katya. I'm finally here! The rain washed out the road.
Polina. But it's an exam week, isn't?
Katya. Screw it, I missed home.
Agap walks in.
Agap. Hi, Katya.
Katya. Hi, Agap.
Agap. I've noticed your car. When it's pouring like this!
Katya. Polina, I'm dead on my feet. Get my things upstairs, will you?
Polina. Your bedroom has been converted into a guest room. I'll make you a bed somewhere else. Andrey?
Andrey. Yeah, sure, I'll help.
Andrey and Polina take the stairs up to the second floor and leave.
Katya. Agap! Hello, my dear!
Agap. Shush, they can see us. Why are you here? Did something happen?
Katya. It did.
Agap. So?
Katya. I missed you so.
Agap. What kind of nonsense is that!
Katya. Kiss me, my love.
Agap. Katya, I'm serious!
Katya. And I'm serious too. I had an appointment with a doctor.
Agap. A doctor?
Katya. We are going to have a baby.
Agap. What do you mean?
Katya. Just what I said!
Makar and Stvolov appear in the stairway and go downstairs.
Makar. A husband and wife are sitting in a cafe. The husband says: "I love you!" The wife says: "Is it you talking or vodka that you've drunk?" The husband replies: "It's me talking with vodka". What's your job, Stvolov?
Stvolov. I'm a wild animal identification specialist.
Makar. Give me a break! How 'bout these two? [Pointing at stuffed squirrels standing against the wall.]
Stvolov. Yes, these are wild animals.
Makar. Ain't that the truth! Our Rubicon is definitely not just another armpit if such a real deal stays here. And I am fond of cats.
Stvolov. Meow ...
Makar. I've seen a TV show a little while ago, and that's what they said. If a person sees a cat and doesn't try to call it by saying "puss-puss-puss", it must be a reptilian or a werebeetle!
Stvolov. Or a cultist!
Makar. A cultist, a baptist ... Same same but different! That's exactly what they said: Pinging cats is the only thing that differentiates a human and a creature of beyond. [Noticing Katya.] Oh, so you're here too, Katya! Are your teeth alright after grinding away at books?
Katya. [To Agap.] I'm going upstairs. Catch you later.
Katya leaves. Makar pats down his pockets, then looks around the dining room.
Stvolov. Looking for something?
Makar. I must've dropped my hunting knife. Or perhaps someone laid their grubby hands on it ...
Stvolov. Makar! You promised me to show your Beretta 694.
Makar. Uno momento, amigo! [He leaves.]
Stvolov. Sticking like a leech! A good thing that he can't hold his drink. Got hammered in an instant!
Agap. Chopper, abort! Katya's back home.
Stvolov. Do you really think that I've been keeping up this travesty for nothing, Agap? So, you want to backpedal now? Because of your wench? [He grabs Agap by the throat.] I'm gonna take down both of you right here.
Agap. Easy, you gonna choke me to death ... What should I do now?
Stvolov. Don't make a fuss and stick to the plan. Slav's parked at a fork. He's keeping a lookout and waiting for my signal.
Agap. I hear they bumped off your officer at the far mine, as if he was torn apart by a bear, and removed all the traces.
Stvolov. I checked into the Rubicon with his passport. This dumb-ass turned out to be a bit of use after all.
Agap. So, it means you are Stvolov now.
Stvolov. I am. How much gold did Sea Lion get today?
Agap. A full travel bag. I guess, along the lines of seven kilos, maybe more. Sea Lion is planning to take the gold to Katzmann tomorrow morning but I've tinkered with his car. He won't be able to go anywhere tomorrow.
Stvolov. No one in this mob will live tomorrow.
Agap. Let Katya go, she's pregnant.
Stvolov. An unwanted witness. Hard luck on her.
Nadya comes out of the kitchen.
Nadya. Dinner is ready. [Ringing the bell twice.]
Polina appears in the stairway and goes downstairs. Agap and Stvolov sat down at different tables. Polina serves out dinner.
Nadya. Polina, take the dinner to Oleg Sergeevich's study.
Makar enters with a shotgun at the ready.
Makar. Have a look, Stvolov! That's my Beretta! Check it out.
Stvolov. Yeah, that's the real deal. [Opening the breech-block.] Got any ammo?
Makar. A dime a dozen!
Makar produces an ammunition box out of his pocket and puts it on the table. Polina knocks at the door of Sea Lion's study, then opens it, and enters. There is her scream and the noise of the tray with dinner hitting the floor. Polina darts out of the Sea Lion's study.
Polina. Oleg Sergeevich! He's lying dead there. Foaming at the mouth!
Makar and Agap make a dart to Sea Lion's study. Meanwhile, Stvolov loads the shotgun with two rounds. Shortly afterwards, Makar comes back. Agap comes after.
Makar. Oleg is dead. He seems to have been poisoned.
Nadya lets out a scream.
Stvolov. [Snapping the breech-block.] Police! Everybody, stay where you are!
Agap hits Makar in the back of his head with a bottle. Makar collapsed on the floor, unconscious.
Curtain.
ACT II
Scene 1
The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner.
Night.
Makar is lying on the floor, tied up and still unconscious. Polina and Nadya are sitting at one of the tables.
Agap. Easy. Stay put!
Stvolov. Keep your hands on the table so that I could see them.
Stvolov approaches Makar and takes his watch off his wrist.
Stvolov. Rolex looks better on me, Makar.
Agap. And what about me?
Stvolov. Let's make a deal, Agap. I'll take the watch and you'll be able to call me anytime and ask the time. Get the bag!
Agap walks into Sea Lion's study and gets back carrying the travel bag.
Agap. Holy moly! Sea Lion's croaked!
Stvolov. It serves this stinker right.
Agap. He's choked on his own puke.
Stvolov. Yikes ...
Agap. But who poisoned him?
Stvolov. I bet all of these jerks had their own reasons to off him. Well?
Agap opens the travel bag.
Agap. The gold is gone! [He empties the contents of the bag onto the table: There are only iron scraps.]
Stvolov. Stop screwing around! Where's the gold, you sell-out scum?!
Agap. I've seen Sea Lion stashing it into the bag with my own two eyes!
Stvolov. Someone beat us to it. Come on, tie them up!
Agap pulls a rope off the wall and ties the women up to their chairs. Andrey appears in the stairway and goes downstairs.
Andrey. Hey, are you playing a nut-house or what? "Keep him tied, it makes him well. He's getting better, can't you tell?"
Stvolov. And who are you?
Andrey. Jesus Christ, son of God.
Stvolov. [Taking aim at Andrey.]
Andrey. A shotgun? That's a nice piece.
Someone's hammering on a door upstairs. During this scene, the sounds repeat every once in a while.
Stvolov. Who's upstairs, Agap?
Andrey. Nadya's daughter. I locked her in the room, we don't need another witness.
Nadya. Katya is here?
Polina. I was just about to tell you ...
Agap. Good call. Let her sit there! She's not going anywhere, is she?
Stvolov. Shut up. Go through his pockets and tie him up good and tight.
Agap frisks Andrey and empties his pockets, producing all kinds of things including a fork and a folding hunting knife.
Agap. Borrowed the knife from Makar, didn't you? [Putting the knife into his own pocket.]
Nadya. And the fork looks familiar too!
Polina. That's got you, little thief.
Agap kicks Andrey in the back of his knee, forcing him to sit down in a chair, and ties him up.
Andrey. That's not the way to tie a person up, dummy. No way you'll become a nut-house keeper.
Agap. Shut your face, genius. Hands on the table! All set, boss.
Nadya. Boss?!
Polina. Your name should be Judah, not Agap!
Agap shakes his fist at the women.
Stvolov. Where is the gold?
Andrey. [Taking off the ring off his hand and putting it on the table.] Here you are, that's all I got. It was my mom's.
Agap. That cocky, huh?! [He gives a hard slap on Andrey's face, grabs the ring, bites it to tell if the gold is real, and puts it in his pocket.]
Andrey. I'll remember that.
Makar comes to his senses.
Agap. Came round, fucker?! Makar, where's the gold from the bag?
Makar. Wanna get punched, Agap?
Agap. Beg my forgiveness! You've been riding me all these years.
Makar. Only the generous beg for forgiveness but I'm not one of them.
Stvolov. Talk to me!
Makar. Ah, so you are here too, Stvolov. Or what is your name again? You need gold? First, let the women go! I am the only one who knows where Oleg hides the gold. As soon as the women are gone, we'll sort it all out ourselves.
Nadya. Makar, did you poison your own brother?! How could you do that?
Makar. I lost money in a card game, Nadya. It's the devil's work.
Polina. That's not true! It was I who poisoned Oleg Sergeevich. Rat poison.
Andrey. Polina is lying! It was I who finished him off. Sea Lion owes me money.
Stvolov. Are you all fucking with me?
Nadya. It's my fault, my sin. I spiked Oleg's juice.
Stvolov. I'm gonna shoot you all!
Andrey. Then there's no fucking way you get the gold.
Polina. You don't have enough ammo.
Makar. Let the women go and you'll gey your reward.
Stvolov shoots the ceiling.
Andrey. One.
Stvolov. Quiet!
Agap. It's gonna be a long night.
Scene 2
The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner.
Night. The stage setting is the same.
Stvolov. Where is the gold?
Everyone keeps silent. Stvolov opens the breech-block, puts another round into the chamber, and hands the shotgun over to Agap.
Andrey. [Aside.] Two again.
Stvolov. Hold them at gunpoint.
Agap. Who's first?
Stvolov. Give me the knife. [Agap takes the folding knife out of his pocket and hands it over to Stvolov.]
Makar. Don't cut your balls off.
Stvolov. That's a nice sticker.
Makar. That's all I got. Give me my kettle back!
Stvolov approaches Polina.
Stvolov. Where is it? Where is my gold? Where did Sea Lion hide it?
Polina. I don't know.
Stvolov. Where is the gold?
Polina. I don't know.
Stvolov. You don't know? Maybe it's here? Or here?
Polina. I don't know. I didn't see anything.
Stvolov slaps Polina in the face.
Nadya. Let us go, take everything we have and leave!
Stvolov grabs Polina by the hair and pulls her head back.
Stvolov. You are a very beautiful girl, Polina. And now please be also smart and tell me where the gold is.
Polina. I wouldn't do that even if I knew.
Agap. I think she doesn't know anything, boss.
Stvolov. She doesn't know where my gold is?
Agap. Let's put the screws to Makar, he'll speak up.
Stvolov. We are going to find that out. You left me no choice, Polina. It all went way too far.
Stvolov brings the knife close to Polina's face.
Polina. Let me go.
Stvolov. If you don't tell me where the gold is, I will yield to the temptation to slash your pretty face. [Gently skimming the knife along Polina's cheek, lips, and bare neck.]
Polina. [Remaining silent.]
Stvolov. You'll learn first hand how unkindly the life treats ugly women.
Polina. [Remaining silent.]
Stvolov. So, you really don't know?
Stvolov puts the knife down and releases his hold of Polina's hair.
Polina. [Shaking her head no.]
Stvolov grabs Polina aggressively and raises the knife, ready to stab.
Andrey. Hold on! Don't touch her.
Stvolov. This is not for the faint-hearted. Look away.
Andrey. She is my fiancée!
Stvolov. Oh yes?
Agap. Well, that's a bombshell.
Makar. I'll say.
Andrey. How much gold do you want? I'll pay you.
Stvolov. Will you please elaborate?
Stvolov releases his hold of Polina and comes up to Andrey.
Stvolov. What's your name, now?
Agap. This is Jesus Christ, son of God.
Stvolov. If you're lying to me, boy, I'll kill you.
Andrey. It's always darkest just before the dawn.
Stvolov. Speak!
Andrey. People call me Andrey.
Stvolov. Let's say that's true.
Andrey. Let Polina go and I'll give you the gold.
Agap. We'd better put Makar to the question! Makar must know where the gold is.
Makar. You haven't seen the last of me, Agap.
Stvolov. Shut up, you both! Speak up, kid.
Andrey. Sea Lion owes me money, so I've decided to empty his register.
Stvolov. Alright.
Makar. Why on earth would Sea Lion owe you, you little piece of shit?
Andrey. It's a long forgotten past.
Stvolov. Go on, I'm listening.
Andrey. Come closer, I don't want anyone else to hear.
Stvolov comes close up to Andrey, theatrically stabs the knife into a table nearby. Andrey whispers something in Stvolov's ear. Stvolov's eyes nearly pop out of his head. At this point, Andrey bites Stvolov in the ear and stabs his hand with a fork.
Stvolov pushes Andrey away, Andrey falls on the floor with his chair. Makar throws himself at Agap's feet which makes Agap reflexively fire the shotgun. Stvolov clutches his shoulder and runs out of the hotel.
Behind Agap's back, Sea Lion appears out of his study. He strikes Agap over the head with a bat, Agap hits the ground, unconscious.
Scene 3
The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner.
Late at night.
Sea Lion. The bastard took off.
Nadya. Oleg! Thank God, you are alive!
Makar. My boy, you're alive! What a trickster you are! I really thought you were dead.
Sea Lion. Not a chance.
Andrey rises to his feet, takes the knife that Stvolov left in the table, and walks up to Polina and Nadya, helping the women free themselves.
Nadya. Polina, help Makar Sergeevich.
Andrey approaches unconscious Agap, takes the gold ring out of Agap's pocket, and puts it back on the finger where it belongs. Polina lets Makar loose.
Nadya walks up to Sea Lion, hugs him, then goes upstairs, and disappears.
Sea Lion. He must have an accomplice over there.
Makar. Or a whole gang!
Sea Lion. We are taking up defense till morning. Pick up the rifle!
Makar. Aye-aye. [Picking the rifle up from the floor.] Ear to the ground.
Sea Lion. I suspected you, Makar.
Makar. It's Agap who's gone rogue!
Sea Lion. Yeah, I see it now.
Makar. The rascal's gonna tell me everything.
Makar puts the shotgun on the table, next to the ammunition box. He walks up to Agap and brings him to senses.
Sea Lion. Tie him up to a chair!
Makar. Uh-huh.
Sea Lion. [To Andrey.] And you, dear groom, sit your ass down, so that I could see you! We're gonna see what you really are.
Polina, bring me some juice and a wet towel to wipe this ugly face of mine. You did very well, almost managed to convince me that I had really dropped dead.
Polina goes to the kitchen.
Agap. [He is tied up to a chair.] You can beat me up as much as you want, I'm not afraid of torture!
Makar slaps Agap in the face.
Agap. Just not in the face! Just not in the face! I'll tell you everything ...
Sea Lion. Your endurance sucks. Makar, give him some more.
Makar hits Agap again.
Agap. You're hurting me!
Sea Lion. Speak up.
Agap. They forced me, it's not my fault!
Sea Lion. How many of you are there?
Agap. There are three of us, three!
Sea Lion. You'd better tell the truth before you lose your fingers.
Makar hits Agap.
Sea Lion. Speak!
Agap. Stvolov is actually Chopper. He used to be a cop. He used someone else's documents to check in.
Sea Lion. Who's the other?
Agap. The other is my cousin, Slav. He drove Chopper over here and had been lurking in the forest, keeping a lookout.
Makar. Sons of bitches!
Polina walks out of the kitchen. She hands a towel over to Sea Lion and pours him some cranberry juice.
Sea Lion. Do you know him? [Pointing at Andrey.]
Polina. I've never seen him before.
Andrey. No good deed goes unpunished, huh!
Sea Lion. [To Polina.] Go to the kitchen.
Polina leaves. Katya and Nadya appear in the stairway and go downstairs.
Makar. [Hitting Agap.] Who else is there in your gang? Who's number four? Is it him? [Pointing at Andrey.]
Agap. I don't know him. I really don't! I've never seen him before.
Makar hits Agap.
Makar. Phew, I'm sweating.
Agap. You're an asshole, Makar. I should've killed you right away ...
Makar. Take that!
Katya takes the shotgun off the table and aims at Makar.
Katya. Let him go, Makar!
Makar. Katya, are you nuts?
Katya. Take three steps back and put your hands behind your head. Sea Lion, the same goes for you!
Sea Lion. Don't try to argue, Makar. She is fool enough to shoot. [He puts his hands behind his head and sits down to a table.]
Makar. Well then, look at who's thick as thieves.
Makar unties Agap, steps aside, and sits down next to Sea Lion.
Sea Lion. That's what your universities do.
Makar. Told ya!
Nadya. Katya, my little girl, what's the matter with you? Give me the rifle.
Katya. What's the matter with me? What's the matter with me?! Sit down next to them and keep still, mom.
Nadya sits down next to Sea Lion.
Katya. What's the matter with me? What's the matter with you?! You aren't people, you are beasts! Beasts!
Nadya. Drop the rifle, Katya!
Agap approaches Katya, takes the shotgun, loads it with another round, and stuffs the rest ammunition into his pocket.
Agap. That's enough, mumsy! You've had your innings. We won.
Sea Lion. So, that's our son-in-law coming out of the woodwork.
Nadya. Bite your tongue! Over my dead body.
Agap. Well, this can be arranged easily. [Aiming the shotgun at Nadya.]
Nadya. You just try it. You just try it, Agap! Katya, go hit him on the head.
Katya. Yeah, I'll get right on that.
Nadya. What did I just say? Step aside! To make matters worse, these two are making out!.. That does it, my dear child. I'm gonna take a hose and beat the shit out of you! You have no shame. I fed and cherished you, sitting up all night ...
Katya. Here we go again. You are lying!
Nadya. Lying? Me?
Katya. All you've got on your brain is getting rid of me. But I love Agap!
Nadya. What?!
Katya. You heard me, old fool of a woman.
Nadya. Are you calling me old?
Makar. Here we go...
Nadya. What kind of fool I am... Nourishing a viper in my bosom! My little girl, why would you do that? Katya ...
Agap comes up to the cash register, opens the till, and takes all the money. Polina goes out of the kitchen, notices Agap with the rifle, and raised her hands above her head in surrender.
Makar. Shit!
Sea Lion. Don't move, that's her dowry.
Agap. Sit, Makar! Hands behind your head.
Nadya. Put the money back!
Agap. Like hell I will. Katya, the car keys.
Katya produces the keys.
Agap. We're leaving.
Agap and Katya leave.
Sea Lion gets up, runs over to his study, then appears with a pistol in his hand, and runs out. Makar follows him. Nadya gets up off her chair, looks out of the window, and goes outside.
Polina. What was that?
Andrey. It seems, we've had Agap and Katya wed.
Polina. That's some family ...
Suddenly, headlights flood through the windows of the hotel. Several shots ring out. Hotel's panoramic windows get blown to smithereens. Andrey runs to Polina, pushes her down onto the floor, using his own body to shield her from bullets.
The headlights outside go out. There is a sound of a car driving away.
The front door opens. Makar, all covered in blood, drags Sea Lion inside. Sea Lion is wounded in the stomach.
Andrey. Polina, get the first-aid kid, bandages!
Polina runs to the kitchen.
Makar. My boy, Oleg. My dear brother, don't you die on me ...
Sea Lion. Makar.
Makar. Never say die, sailor! My boy, I'm here with you ...
Sea Lion. Makar ... where?
Makar. Oleg, don't move. And I'm a lucky fellow. Only got some scratches from glass shards.
Sea Lion. Nadya ... where's Nadya?
Makar. Nadya's killed.
Polina. Where the heck is this kit?! [She runs out of the kitchen, goes upstairs, and disappears.]
Makar. Stvolov got back with his driver. Fired an assault rifle, shot everyone dead. Only we survived, Oleg.
Sea Lion. I couldn't protect you, Nadya ... Forgive me.
Sea Lion dies. Polina gets back carrying a first-aid kit. She sees dead Sea Lion, lets out a yell, sits down at the bottom of the stairs, and starts crying.
Makar. I only have one question. Where's the gold?
Scene 4
The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner.
Dawn.
Polina is cleaning up the mess in the dining room. Andrey and Makar come inside.
Makar.It'll be better for them in the ice cellar. Besides, animals won't get them there.
Makar gets a bottle from the bar, pours out a glass for Andrey, and drinks from the bottle.
Makar.Polina, lay the table. You can postpone a war but never a breakfast.
Polina. Alright. [She goes to the kitchen.]
Makar.I need to wash myself.
Makar clutches the liquor and goes upstairs, drinking right from the bottle.
Makar.Phew, I'm sweating. [Leaving.] Ear to the ground.
Polina goes out of the kitchen carrying a tray with appetizers. She spreads cloth on a table and serves breakfast.
Polina. Thank you for saving me, Andrey.
Andrey. Wise men say, Only fools rush in. But I can't help falling in love with you ...
Pause.
Polina. Did you really mean it? That I'm your fiancée?
Pause.
Andrey. You are a merry angel, Polina.
Polina. Not in the least.
Andrey. You have no idea.
Polina. No, I'm definitely not!
Andrey. Yes, of course, you are
Polina. Absolutely n...
Andrey kisses Polina.
Polina. Caesar crossed the Rubicon.
Andrey. I know what you are talking about.
Pause.
Andrey. I love you, Polina. Marry me.
Pause.
Polina. If you ever betray me, I'll rip your balls off.
Andrey. Finally!
Polina. What?
Andrey. Now my balls are in good hands.
Polina. I love you, Andrey.
Andrey. The Ru-bi-con.
Andrey produces car keys out of his pocket and hands them over to Polina.
Andrey. The green Cherokee is in the parking lot. Wait for me in the car.
Polina. And you?
Andrey. I have to settle something first. [Pause.]
Polina. Andrey.
Andrey. What?
Polina. Shortly before playing dead, Sea Lion told me to take the gold out of his study, passing it off as trash, and hide it in the wood shed.
Andrey. So, you now have enough money to pay for your mother's treatment in a good hospital.
Polina. Last night I had this dream: The sea at dawn and a pat of flamingos by the water.
Polina takes the keys. Then she approaches the bar counter, rings the bell, and leaves.
Drunk Makar appears in the stairway and goes downstairs. He walks up to the bar, takes another bottle and two glasses, puts them on the table and fills – one glass for himself, another for Andrey.
Makar. Here. Let's drink to the memory of my brother. And Nadya ... [Pause.]
Makar. Come to think of it, I did love Nadya. But she chose Oleg.
Damn him! You're a piece of shit, Sea Lion! Bastard! You've ruined my life ...
And where is his gold? Where is the gold? I feel somehow sick ... My head's spinning. [Drinking from the bottle. You are a piece of shit, Oleg. And I am a piece of shit too. I am a piece of trash! A murderer ...
Andrey. Pangs of conscience, Makar?
Makar. Eh? What did you just say? Who the hell are you?!
Andrey.I'm Andrey.
Makar. Seal Lion is dead! I am the boss here now. Ha! Everything here belongs to me! Me. Everything!
Andrey.You don't even feel bad for you brother?
Makar.The hell with him! Damn you, Oleg. Sea Lion. Brute. I hate him so much I'd kill the bastard! Oleg is dead ...
Andrey.Makar, have you killed people before? [Pause.]
Makar.The Rubicon ...
Andrey.Have you killed before?
Makar.Twenty years ago or so. I did kill someone. Her name was Vera. My Vera ...
Andrey.You killed your Vera?
Makar.I killed that bitch and threw her off a cliff! [Pause.]
And Oleg, he covered for me, took the blame.
My boy, Oleg... He'd become a beast, Sea Lion, later. Back then he was Oleg.
Oleg loved my Vera too. I feel so sick ...
That night, Vera told me that she was leaving me for Oleg. But she was mine, mine!
Stop. That's enough. My head is swimming. Vera ... Oleg. [Sitting on a chair.]
Makar.She had a son. I got her pregnant. It was my son! My son! Everything here belongs to me! What's his name, now ... It escapes me, it does.
Andrey.Andrey.
Makar.What did you just say?
Andrey.The name of the child is Andrey. The son of the woman you killed. Do you recognize the ring? [He shows the ring he's wearing to Makar.]
Makar.Andrey ... Right, right ... Andrey. Well, I'm glad to see you, son.
Andrey stabs Makar in the throat. Makar clutches at his throat, blood dripping down his chest, falls off his chair, and draws his final breath.
Andrey walks up to the bar counter, rings the bell, and leaves.
Curtain.