Translated by Kirill Bobrovsky. Published in English for the first time
CHAPTER 2. "Standards" breaking (without mom)
I don't want to remember anything on pages of even a very frank book in order to look more aesthetic and more significant ... Mom offered to register disability and I refused. Meanwhile, I had to look for some work in Rostov and to search for housing for the next year which was necessary till Sasha's graduation.
A local newspaper office was visited: there was a vacancy in the editorial department and the hostel was not promised. I was offered to write about the best worker. The task of a kind of test. I talked to the interviewee in some way (well, what can a girl ask about if she doesn't know anything about production or life?!). The article was ready and I brought it to the office. "The editor has moved somewhere, come in a week". The editor returned, he had not read my material. Only one employee had been familiarized with it and hadn't evaluated it in any way. However, he calmed me down immediately - tests were not necessary, anyone could work with them, - we agreed to meet in a week. Each trip to Rostov in conditions of the August heat required a tremendous effort; it was almost violence against myself. That week was the last in my failed pregnancy. Subsequently, I came to the Shakhty hospital and it was an external plot. The move had been made internally: I had decided to give up work till recovery. I did not want to meet anyone: to talk, to squeeze necessary lines out of myself. Why does a dying person need any vanity? Mom suggested me to visit the commission again and I agreed. Early accepting of a disability had meant surrendering in my case. I had studied well and got a scholarship, what else had I required? There had been some free power previously, but even it had expired. Receipt of a pension was connected with getting of some freedom in the framework of public opinion and an excuse in one’s own eyes, applied so as not to move along with everyone to the death point by inertia... It turned out that it was not so easy to do something for oneself, even not for the Komsomol and not for the society. It was just very hard to step aside from the usual road: to devote oneself to an uninteresting cause with a university degree: to visit the market each day, to peel and to rub one or two kilograms of carrots for juice, to chew vegetables for a very long period of time...
My subsequent life was an attempt to be remade from Salieri if not to Mozart then to someone similar. Not by an effort of will, rather on one's own. You cannot force yourself to write - such work won't be reclaimed by anyone. You cannot just want to give birth to a child, you should let the body thirst arise; then it will not deceive you: it will endure, produce and not throw anything out. We shall learn to listen to ourselves, understand signals of our organism. But how shall we do it in real conditions? A sick animal finds some medicine intuitively: a tiger or a dog can even chew grass; sometimes elks treat themselves with pale toadstools. My memory didn't have any natural sensations at the described moment. Pancakes, borscht, fried potatoes ... No way to break through them ...
I found the following information: salt and sugar were artificial additives, they brought down natural settings of the body. If we want something sweet — we don’t try to find a perfect colour, taste, warmth, consistency, smell - we just put some sugar into a cup. If salt is not enough - we add it into our plate. No problems. Not for me: I should have become a tuning fork for myself; only then I was able to hear a clear sound! I stayed hungry and listened to the organism based on the advice of Bragg: what should I eat? Something prompted by my "cleaned" cells? No meat: my gums swelled instantly when I chewed something, even an ordinary patty; once I felt very bad because of a chicken-containing dish. No meat at all... It often includes slag and nasty substances...
Mom always loved everything to be salty (meat, fish) and was convinced that it was real food, which consisted of high-grade proteins, etc., although this was not a real case. Her position was revealed as a kind of reflection of mine, only containing "not" as opposed to my maximalism. I was often horrified, feeling my mother with an anatomizing glance - where did all this food "settle down"? It was incredible that her body could cope with so many slags and other "junk" substances! (I still underestimated a safety margin of the older generation). She was also terrified in the opposite way - when looking at me. The main things were straight ahead. I was still testing myself. Any gastronomic dream? Something else! Something lighter! I wanted something ... dairy ... after all these juices and sour berries. Kefir! I allowed myself some kefir. And cheese. And favourite curd puddings. It was the highest culinary skill - to cook without flour, without salt, without sugar, which required a creative approach (my favourite author was Pokhlebkin). High spirits helped me to eat 5 times a day: eggs, vegetables, cheese, bread - every dish or product was consumed separately. I felt no pain anywhere and even gained three kilograms in 2 weeks. My mom was happy, she was relieved and was not so afraid of the approaching separation, because the worst moments had been kept behind.
I often could hardly survive a university week during my studies and always wanted to come to my mother. After returning it was customary to cry for the whole night, holding her by the hand and asking myself about the 5-year course; the end was always represented by our parting which was even more durable and irreparable, like a king of exile. How had it happened that the following conviction grew stronger by the age of 24: "Should I leave"? Now I know for sure: I would not be able to recover otherwise. Everything which happened in Oryol could be called "destruction of set standards". Not the climate, not wonderful Oryol forests with their mushrooms and berries saved me ultimately - it was the "coup" happened inside the organism. It was a methodological seminar, reflection and incessant experiment on oneself. I had not been able to “put the dog on hold” in case of staying with my mother and would have always been stopped by the feeling of some guilt; it was not possible totorture her with my hunger strikes for a long time - go against her despair with all my simple food thoughts. In such a way, Sasha and I settled in a hostel room on the outskirts of Oryol in autumn of 1982 contrary to the habit of a warm parental wing.
Logically, I should have finally paid attention to my career, job search, appearance, having reached a certain level of well-being (got out of the grave pit). No way... I hadn't received the promised position in the Youth Theatre and decided that this was my fate. In the end, it was possible to work with children without any sanctions from above, which I had done for several years; There was the thought that nothing would prevent me from moving along my path. On Sundays, I felt how heavy, stupid, lazy I was as if in contrast with schoolgirls. The understanding was coming when going to the Youth Theatre and bringing some ideas for the club. All my weekly strengths were transferred into one or two classes with children. When would they listen to Mozart? How do we understand relaxedness, joy, flight? In any way, I had just wanted some lightness and clear head and all these factors had been associated only with vegetable food. Consumption of dairy products didn't last long: I knew what I was doing. In fact, it is necessary to remind here that milk determines our cell growth program. Many nutritionists do not advise its consumption: the adult's stomach is not able to recycle it properly. Fermented milk is always possible! However, I had already tried it at that moment. It all came to the same thing.
The appetite was revived almost instantly, even after a solid curd pudding. Everything was as it should be in a growing body - enhanced breathing, rapid absorption, rapid growth. However, I had already been an adult for a long time! Why did I need to grow? That’s why, free "construction materials" were transferred for something else.
Undoubtedly, they supported sex glands, menstruation had not disappeared completely as in cases of vegetarianism. What were the further problems with organism cleaning? After all, non-growing bones didn't not need so much calcium, did they? I think I determined the right answer. It was related to stiff nodules on my head, which had been generated by my body after an incomprehensible illness, which had taken place when I had been studying in the 3rd year. Why had I got sick so badly at that moment and what was the further problem?
The answer was very simple. The "cleaning" system could not cope with the abundance of slag. At the moment of treatment it faced separate meals, juices, raw foods. Dairy products became a great difficulty against this background and weren't processed properly (I always wanted to sleep after a meal). The last question to myself. Did I read all this information in various sources? I did and still allowed kefir, cheese and curd puddings? I tested, checked and made sure that the matter had been actual for me. The second reason can be given in brackets, in small letters: I really wanted to eat and returned to everything which made ordinary food on the next round of the experiment- just bread, potatoes and feeling that "something was wrong" provided by each of my cleaned cells. Subsequently, I consistently refused from everything which had been generally accepted and was hungry constantly.
Nearly hungry. Of course, I ate and consumed quite a lot: porridges based on water, raw and steamed vegetables, sometimes fish, sometimes apples. They weren't always enough. It seemed that periods began even without any menstruation. Udder was eaten once in a dietary canteen and broke the main commandment of vegetarianism. Periods came on the next day, I understood this connection very well and remembered it, having put the necessary information into the safe of my deep memory. Its door wouldn't be opened soon, a year of uncompromising vegetarianism was straight ahead.
I followed the idea, which had freed me from the grave, fanatically - to the point of stupidity. I got out, but did not soar. However, there was something to reproach myself for: retreats, staying aside. The prescription was clear: keep steadfastly, move without compromise.
...Spring came. The most hungry creature in the whole world was represented by me. Every animal knows what to eat and when to eat. And when it is necessary to stop eating. I was guided by a certain principle. The inner herbivore had been looking forward to the first greenery and finally long-awaited dandelions and plantains appeared everywhere. It was enough to chew a piece and the feeling often came that the aroma of a freshly brewed porridge seemed to be something appetizing, otherwise it was the experience of tastes of starch and starchy oil, contained in cereals. I usually ate a huge plate of porridge and a surge of strength came for 15 minutes, followed by the repetitive weakness and hunger. Greenery was great, but were there any other variants? Once, I dared to buy mushrooms appeared on market shelves at the end of May. A miracle! Terrible weakness disappeared. It happened instantly. As soon as I had eaten a few. It was as if I had been born again: light, young. It wasn't our first spring in Oryol. Mushrooms could be found in local forests even in the last year and in the year before. However, they had seemed to me to be non-existing. Perhaps, it was another habit of a townswoman of the steppe area who had never seen fresh mushrooms.
Maybe, it was an unconscious ban: natural path followers avoided mushrooms, barely using them in food products. We give praise to vegetables, nuts, dried fruits. Even porridges are allowed. Mushrooms mostly face a partly arrogant and partly absent-minded gaze.
After discovery of mushrooms for myself, I took an important step along that straight road which led to a country unknown for me, where birds sang, children laughed and Mother Spring put a wreath of love on her daughter's head. In such a way I sat down in the middle of the road. Do you think - in order to rest? I was distracted by a very important matter: had to go abroad on vacation. Do you find it funny? However, it was like a look beyond the horizon for me at that moment. I had already looked there after a travel to the GDR with fellow students. At that moment Petra had invited me and Sasha.
The registration procedure turned out to be exhausting. Not only I constantly went to the passport department for a month as in case of some work; they demanded a medical certificate from me and the oncologist refused to give it. "Where are you going? You are so sick" - she pointed out (patients were second-rate people for her). I had to go for a permission to Moscow. The first thing to be done was an isotopic study of my liver. I was going to find out the result with a slight curiosity (not allowing myself anything greater: beating heart, fading, fainting - all these manifestations were left in the past). Two young doctors met me at the reception. "You need to perform a second study. We scanned you on another device a year ago that's the probable reason for different results. We'll repeat the procedure on the last year's one. I prepared some solemn words for the second visit. However, they did not ask the right question. "Probably, an error occurred, you are fine". “There was no mistake, the diet had been a real measure”, - I added modestly. “Well, congratulations”, - answered young doctors. I really wanted to share my thoughts about the fact that lymph was the body drainage and about the "food" specialization of our liver and pancreas... One could talk endlessly about this with the sick and absolutely senselessly - with doctors working within walls of the oncology centre. They have a very special direction of thought...
I was mostly worried about the upcoming trip: would I find dandelions and plantains in the German city? I could only hope for it in any case. There was also confidence that it would be possible to buy rice and weak hope for purchase of mushrooms (it always seems that there are many forests in Germany).
Fortunately, I found plantains and dandelions right in the courtyard of an old house where Uli and Petra lived and continued to push tasteless porridge based on the water inside with their help. I was opening the country anew that time, since all my interests, alas, had not gone beyond the limits of gastronomy.
As they say, I was concerned nutritionally. "Mushrooms? - Peter repeated after me, - Well, yes, sometimes we go to the forest and collect them when fall comes..." Unfortunately, there were no markets in the GDR, and I could buy not only mushrooms, but even zucchini or turnips at worst. Petra reassured me: "We will go to my parents soon, they have beans and cabbage growing in their country house". Simultaneously, Sasha lived in a parallel space, he ate delicious German sausages, moved a lot, made many photos. My discoveries came from the garden of Petra's father. Herr Havlik treated me with green beans (not known hitherto) and wonderful kohlrabi cabbage. He chose the largest samples, proudly calling them "super-crackers". He gave them to us, we carried these vegetables across two borders and ate them in Shakhty. It is necessary to say that Germans treated my quirks with respect as very civilized people. Petra gave me something exactly what had been needed, preparing us to the long road. Urzula, meeting us in Berlin, stocked up some food specially for me: purple cabbage and other vegetables.
I barely moved despite all efforts and discovery of the extraordinarily supportive power of green beans. Petra looked at me carefully and was always ready to sympathize and understand.
- Lena, tell me ... I'm curious... Are you pregnant, are you expecting a baby?
- No, Petra. I would like, but no ...
Of course, I did not tell Petra that I had had no menstruation for two years and that married life had not been any joy previously. The rest information was visible to the naked eye: how I lived, having clasped my teeth, how I did not laugh at all.
It seemed that the test had been exhausted — test of the peasant food characteristic for the middle area of pre-Petrine Russia. Meat was harmful and, therefore - had not been included into it. If people get sick, then it all comes from "pollution" with animal food. Simple healthy products include cereals, vegetables (without potatoes and tomatoes) and mushrooms. Is it possible to get a baby on such a diet? No. Let's suppose that redistribution of energy is a special clarity of thinking. Does it bring efficiency? Nothing like this. Only weakness and empty head with hungry thoughts appear. We need to change something, but what and how?
Was there any acceptable ideal for me - located in the past, even in some ancient time, or in some spatial geographical point?
- There are "keys" among vitamins using which we can open everything. Vitamin B1 affects carbohydrate metabolism processes. The need for it increases in the cold season. This need is reduced if we find much fat in food. Consequently, the body copes with plant food in winter harder, no wonder we often want to consume lard. Remember vitamin D - it can be formed in our organisms under the influence of sunlight in summer... Imagine a terrific visual conclusion. You need to eat summer food in summer and winter one - in winter!
- Do you think it is not necessary to make procurements for winter: pickles, jams, tomatoes?
- Definitely. It is enough to dry some berries and fruits in the sun.
- Are you for a natural diet? I cannot imagine, why do you need it? - they often say to me, - we are staying in warm premises, discussing important problems and developing ourselves. Otherwise, we would have to run a lot and starve ...
- It depends on life goals - maybe it is not worth it. For me it is the only possible path, I can only develop this way. Not running about and thinking. Food is a subject which is not less worthwhile ... Waking up in the morning, I often analyse my condition, trying to find a connection with the products I ate yesterday and the day before yesterday in order to choose something for today and tomorrow.
- In that case, - Vera drew the line, - my food is more natural than yours, since I don’t rack my brains over it. You have rather an artificially natural option ...
It was a fleeting conversation before or after the seminar, which was organized by her. The seminar was called methodological. Only idle people with a journalistic education could stay here with the hope to sort things out immediately. Sasha stopped visits at the very beginning, Lena Yakovleva moved to Shchedrovitsky. Georgy Petrovich Shchedrovitsky, a teacher at one of Moscow's universities, investigated problems of scientific creativity and formed a unique living machine, as I understood it - an organizational activity game which had been named "thought accelerator".
A participant who was taken into the field of collective creativity felt simply brilliant at some of its moments. A trip with Lena to the game in Gorky was just a royal gift for me. I was trying to create a hybrid of a club and theatre for many years. I had even entered the Oryol Cultural and Educational School for directing in order to fulfil this task. It was also possible to work with different clubs, including the club at the Youth Theatre. This type of communication did not suit me with its after-game relations. The volume and spectrum of organized games activities required strict discipline in case of a theatre. That’s why there were no variants suitable and possible for children in their pure form, in my opinion. In such a way an organized game was placed to the centre of my experiences. I literally jumped because of joy when Lena told me about the topic of an event held in Gorky. Game problems! My interest was multiplied! It was early February and I should have thought about winter food before the trip.
I ate B1 in infinite quantities in the form of an adorable pea soup with addition of radish and turnips in autumn, staying delighted because of my discoveries (it was thought that vegetables containing B1 could replace meat partly and where could I get so much money for meat?) As a result, the weight loss was observed and honey did not bring any use. Attempts to return to meat consumption involved a toothache.
The only product from which my teeth did not hurt was rabbit, that's why rabbit meat was brought to the rank of food products, special for myself.
Apparently, I overdid it a bit, burning carbohydrates. My fat reserves had melted, winter had just begun and I started to freeze terribly. I realized that animal food somehow suited to the winter cold more and examples from the world of animals confirmed this fact.
Remember bears and boars. Looking around, I found some winter vegetable food: mountain ash which remained on tree branches and acorns not rotten under the snow at all. I tried to eat a piece of a frozen acorn and understood: it was a revelation of the Lord. These little things removed weakness immediately, they were even better than meat. The second miracle: a warm and delicate little female desire came alive inside me. I picked seven acorns from under the deep snow with a certain difficulty and decided that it was just enough for seven days. There was some general agreement when Lena had expressed her desire to be fed according to my scheme, but I warned her that it was not possible to take acorns, which were mined.
In the very first morning in a new city I went to the market and bought some food: rabbit, berries, burdock roots, dandelions (wild plants represented my last idea before the trip, however, I did not have time to stock up in Oryol). We chewed dry roots - they seemed to be delicious for us, cooked sea fish and rabbit and did not feel any hunger thanks to the game whirlpool.
The ten-day holiday began with two or three days of reports, perceived as an overture, a seed for a great activity in which everyone would take part. I had to choose a topic for group work during these days ... "Games for personal development of participants" - this one, because game activities worried me precisely as means of extraordinary transformation both of the body and soul.
I do not remember the whole conversation, only recalling that Georgy Petrovich expressed doubts that I would not be able to gain something in such a group.
“I hope I should”
- We'll see.
I think he marked me as an object for visual developmental activities. Therefore, he went on with the attack when I dared to get out with a report from the group:
- You do not understand what you are saying.
“Why”, - asked I and rushed to repeat the well-felt position, based on the experience of message delivery, which I had taken previously. I felt a blow, some monstrous absence of motivation in his accusations, and was going to return to my place after comparison of a gramophone record with my thoughts. The erudite gaming audience rustled quite clearly: "She leaves the conflict..." I barely held tears, turned back sharply and stared at Shchedrovitsky. "We need to stop, think about it" - he told me.
- Look at those present here, do you see everyone, do you hear them? - Georgy Petrovich asked me. About a hundred of people stayed in the room. He led a conversation with the audience and they set me up right there, whispering that I would not have taken everything to heart - it had just been a game.
Tears flowed so uncontrollably after his words that I eventually moved to my place in their flow. I was unable to object anything. The testing activity was carried out in groups and Olga, the leader of our group, had to "sort me out". She patiently asked questions for which people were grateful to psychologists and journalists: she helped me to understand myself. I realized why I had lost my workplace in a newspaper, why I didn't have a position in the Shakhty theatre, what my food system was in reality. I wanted to find a conflict basis for continuous development in my life: I found it and informed Olga. People who feed themselves traditionally do not feel their blood connection with the real forest with all their love for it. They are not connected with anything which grows and dwells there. I needed mushrooms, wild berries, game not as a gastronomic fad, but as food which helped me to survive: some constant food. However, a wild meadow is opposed to a field just like a forest and essence of my understanding of natural and artificial aspects was formed at the game time in the following form: "created by nature" - "created by man".
Each game has its own rules, if you don’t understand or accept them, then you may not get into a very comfortable situation. If players behave very carefully - it is difficult to play and the conflict situation has to be created. Georgy Petrovich acted with me in such way. I came out with a message that was really elaborated - not only during the first days of the game, but also at the very seminar with Vera Danilova. I said that the knowledge gained at the university had been often represented by unclaimed internal issues and problems and had been put on my head just like a hat, flying off in difficult situations of life. I declared that true knowledge could only be obtained independently and the language developed within such cognitive process is a living, individual one, completely different from the language of textbooks and university lectures. It was like that. Georgy Petrovich used my speech to stir the audience up. The second time, my solo "play" looked like the following. I presumed to go to Peter Schedrovitsky and tell him what I feel. It happened on the fifth or sixth day of the play: a clear vision of the whole game came to me. I understood the futility of my efforts to take a cast, to use a model of the game for my own purposes – it was definitely necessary to build my own one, based on characteristics discussed there (typology of games, function, etc.). I felt a kind of culmination that day. Imagine that you have an idea although in reality it was prepared considering the whole course of the game. The described game was built according to laws of drama: there was an exposition (reports of methodologists within which Shchedrovitsky demonstrated certain rules. He often interrupted speakers, explaining something to the audience, popularizing some of the important points from very special reports. He often started a controversy with them subsequently. Sometimes he managed to banish very respectable ones, declaring “You are taking our time in vain). We also determined the following components: an outline (general meetings, first meeting in groups), development of activities (work on the proposed topics, reports), culmination, outcome. Peter became interested, saying that it would be nice to speak. The next day, Georgy Petrovich drew a diagram of the game and provided audience with a question in his own language, having also said that he was in a difficulty what to do next. I was already pulling my hand and he said: "You are welcome". I spoke about Stanislavsky, compared his works with the game theory, described enlightenment. Someone tried to object to me (about Stanislavsky), but Shchedrovitsky stopped them abruptly (it turned out that he understood the Stanislavsky's system perfectly, despite claims that he had not been special in terms of the figurative creativity). The audience was agitated, speeches were held one after another.
There was also my third speech when I tried to talk on the proposed topic (final). Georgy Petrovich banished me after that. I had to play my role with dignity - either speak my own words (maybe not considering the proposed topic) or to be expelled.
I did not think about the book at that time, there weren’t even any prerequisites for my school course. Lessons would be built according to principles, remembered by me for the whole life:
1. To write and speak only about facts which were felt and understood personally, to find simple episodes from the own life. Do not pretend to be scientific or use medical and other terms.
2. It turned out to be impossible to remove the "cast" from the Schedrovitsky's game for personal use. The play always arises again in a new place as something live, involving new participants, other themes and circumstances. Similarly, it is impossible to create a special system of recovery, unified for all patients. Health is a system of nutrition, movement, breathing, etc., which needs to be created constantly and for everyone - on one's own.
3. Everything I thought about on that day and tried to describe was placed in big brackets, constantly followed by the constantly changing reality. Therefore, my truth is not absolute even currently, because our life changes constantly and we and our ideas are changed too.
"Game" is the "devilish thing", according to Shchedrovitsky, however, it brought me to the crest of understanding. The second level of creativity was activated further, also involving inner capabilities, just as effective analysis and other matters often allow an artist to enter the role and to believe in it. The organizational game activity has its own ways of “activation” for mental creativity just as literary heroes isolate themselves at some moment and live, dictating further events to the author. A participant of the game performs all necessary elements of the thinking process, listening to the scientific controversy, self-determining, working in a group, reflecting, etc., playing the "thought game". In the end such participant turns to be interested in a described way of behaving and begins to think and solve arising problems in fact, if they are actual (if not - game problems are started to be resolved). Players reaching the culmination stage bring something enlightened which seem completely banal for others. Nevertheless, such insight often turns life upside down, maybe not immediately - however - in months and years. My personal method of improvisation arose many months later, in one of the classes carried out with schoolchildren, which was led by an actor of the Youth Theatre - Volodya Shevchenko. He demonstrated a study on interpretation, which became a real spark for me. Everything, accumulated inside, lit up suddenly and I saw what I had long wanted to see.
I was consuming memories of the game for several months. Digging up acorns in the winter silence and remembering a little forest under windows of the hostel, I often smiled and sometimes talked to myself.
- Hey, what are you doing there? - many students suddenly shouted out of windows.
I was annoyed by such rude intrusion into my personal silence, however, I did not turn around and continued my "work".
- Hey! What have you lost there?
They spotted me again the next time, it seemed to be a day off and they began to attack with questions and remarks. Suddenly I felt sorry for them and answered. They did not understand but offered some help. I said that I had already had an assistant.
Sasha comprehended my requests and solved the matter in a manly manner. Having thrown back my small scoop, he found a large piece of plywood and the job was done in 15 minutes. The students did not pester me any more after his appearance.
We looked like two romantics who had found each other on the basis of a secret love for cinema and profession of a director. Imagine that the young wife whispers to her lover, because she doesn't have any strength to love him and lacks meat.
- You eat meat and only meat! - the spouse is surprised.
- That's why it isn't enough. I do not consume anything else.
- Your diet is very strange, I hardly believe that a single doctor will understand you.
- Do you want me to be an obedient girl? But I would have played the box long time ago if I did everything as it should have been done as the doctors said. You perfectly know this fact.
He understands and objects no longer, but this fact does not become easier for him.
- Why are you hungry, do you still have money?
- I bought a gift for my mother.
- Why does the mother need a gift, it is more important for her that you are healthy and she has grandchildren!
- It is awful to spend everything on oneself. We didn't live rich, however, mother always shared something with brothers and sisters, and they all helped each other too...
“You should become selfish to recover”. Just understand, attention signs are just simple signs. You have a goal, you are obliged to achieve complete recovery, and your family will be pleased more after that...
It is nice to be considered super-original, but the idea was not new. Authors of books on vegetarianism cannot fail to mention the indigenous people of the North, mainly consuming meat and fish. I.M. Dyakonov (orientalist) explored problems, related to settlement of Indo-Europeans and wrote the following: “Child mortality rates are sharply reduced and the population begins to grow in cases when meat and dairy food products are taken widely” (this fact does not even state harsh climatic conditions!). Amosov stipulated that only raw meat of wild animals could replace a variety of raw plant food products. There were conditions which I did not fulfil. Having consumed meat in the boiled form, I probably got slags in the amount which was greater in comparison with useful substances. Of course, hunting trophies were not available to me, but could I try some raw meat?
One of the students chose some raw mince for breakfast on my first student trip to Germany. We watched his eating with curiosity and horror; it was a real deadly stunt. I had to repeat this feat and make it the norm in my life.
I slowly began to persuade myself to adjust the organism to the need for such step ... "May the God grant enough patience to my loved ones!"
Only bones remained from my body by spring. The sour taste accompanied everything I was putting into my mouth: It was necessary to find something neutral, even sweet. Beef tasted good, but it contradicted my belief: one should eat animals no larger than one’s own body, larger ones become harder to be digested. I finally stopped on goats. They prefer grass to foliage. They were not as fat as lambs and the taste was quite fresh, even sweet according to connoisseurs. My attempts to get goat meat in spring turned to be a simple fiasco. Farm owners had young goatlings only and they refused to help me, staying motivated by a pity for small animals and unreasonableness of early death. I felt like the most bloodthirsty being in the world and was tormented terribly.
- Calm down, - said Sasha, - if you had offered a greater sum, they would have agreed.
We didn't have a huge sum of money... I weighed 39 kg in June.
I went to see my mother after finishing of the school session. The door pressed my elbow in the Rostov trolleybus. The scratch was rather small, but involved some bad feelings. I lost consciousness immediately after holding of the vacant place. A woman sitting beside me freed her shoulder from under my head and stood up. Having opened my eyes, I saw a trolleybus driver standing in front of me and realized that it had been the final stop. I didn't move and tears were flowing. "You pressed my hand with a door, and I ..." The driver just shrugged his shoulders. I got out of the trolleybus as quickly as I could. The fact was a simple nonsense. The world was not created for the weak. I took the most necessary means - the lightest ones only and yet I could not hide my impotence. Mom was simply scared, in my opinion, when she looked at me: she didn’t say anything herself. She called Lina and sisters talked to me together.
- We respect your diet and do not impose any other measures. Tell me what you want eat and we'll get it.
A day later, my relatives found some goat meat in the nearby market and I began to recover on that very day, also changing it with mulberry and strawberries which were allowed reluctantly. The latter were chosen as a close relative of wild strawberry, mulberry - as an uncultivated garden plant, also considering the fact that it had not changed its properties and had settled in the garden. Having samples of civilized food products in front of me, I was afraid of hurting myself with a single-acting meal. It seemed to me that roots, leaves, berries and mushrooms were necessary at the same time within each diet. There were no mushrooms availableand I was trying to collect burdock and chicory, balancing imaginary sweetness (It was not a mistake about the need for the balance of tastes). The feeling of being resurrected came despite some eructation. It happened during one of my visits my mother lived with her mother - grandmother Nyura. My grandmother had some face sores which had appeared in spring, they dried up, but were not eliminated completely. Her face was cleaned fully after a week of our joint strawberry-mulberry diet. Mom attributed this fact to the effect of one of the ointments with which she tried to cure her relative. My mother listened to my suggestion about the cleansing effect of living food with a skeptical smile. She became my opposition in this matter and told her relatives who came to visit us that I would not have been ill, but had brought myself to such state with a diet. She did it in her usual apologetic manner...
To tell the truth, I did not aim to become a skeleton at all and had clearly driven the wrong way. However, I controlled myself and saw the road, having been able to correct the situation on my own. It was the matter of my life, mom!
Having arrived to Oryol, the weakness occurred again since I had refused from light carbohydrates. Adhering to the schedule of Christian posts, which Lena Yakovleva had written down for me, I also considered the end of June not to be the right time for meat consumption, at least for meat of big animals. I was eating rabbit meat and accepted the persuasion to go for strawberries as a so-called gift of fate. The position was shown by Alla. Sasha and I were late, we got there with great difficulties. Never in my life had I picked strawberries, I stumbled around stupidly, hardly finding and sending such small ones into my mouth. Alla poured out everything she collected, to me when we had got into the train and had had something to eat, but I hadn't consumed anything.
Subsequently, I went to this station myself in order to pick up already ripened meadow strawberries and thought: what an extraordinary, wonderful person Alla was, she had provided her friends with information about such a godsend place; it was really wonderful! Fearing to destroy even one berry and looking under each leaf, I crawled along the slope, praying God, so as not to move down or be damaged by a tractor, driven not far away. It began to rain, it was the cold June Oryol rain. I put a hood over my head and felt that my blue raincover was getting wet and streams ran down my face like tears. Bitter memories appeared...
Four months of preparation to the operation. The puncture: a long needle taken to the intercostal area in a way to pull something for analysis. Firstly, I lost consciousness, and still it was the second and the third intervention. I remembered a variety of pictures, nobody thought about the dose of radiation. For clarity, they had let some air through the sternum during one operation. The picture had been taken, I was lying on a gurney and the slightest movement provided pain in the mediastinum. "When will it disappear?" - I asked the doctor with a whisper. "Maybe tomorrow". The thought of many hours of torments poured out tears, however, sobbing was even more painful; I tried not to breathe, since I cried even more because of this... The operation was completed in vain. No, diagnosis (It was impossible to remove the tumour). Drainage tubes... a month of the agonizing sleep on the back. Transfer to the hematology department, new examinations.
"We need to make sure there are no lymph nodes in the stomach". Injections - this time the contrast fluid had been put into lymphatic vessels. Getting on feet was almost impossible on the next day. Six months after the first operation - the second one, removal of the spleen. What for should I do it? It was completed according to the American method. It is rather surprising how people familiar with the theory of ecosystems could find a "harmful" organ in a person suffering from lymphogranulomatosis. Autologous transplantation was performed after irradiation in order to improve the blood. They used a long thick needle to examine one pelvic bone, then the other one, pulling the bone marrow. Subsequently they injected it into my veins ...
The rain was over, the sun warmed and dried my back and I thank the sun, and this baptismal rain, and strawberry for nurturing me, for helping me to understand myself and become another one and alive.
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