"If you want to help me, stand back and do not interfere," — is sung in one song. That's wise. As it turned out, trying to support his life partner in a difficult time for him, we can only push him away. How does this happen and how to act correctly?
Let's say your loved one is in a bad mood. Maybe someone had an argument or a long-awaited improvement is not given, or it was just a long day. A natural reflex of a good wife or girlfriend to support, to help, to comfort. How else? In us, the instinct of care of relatives is put!
And we begin to climb out of the skin: offer solutions to the problem, try to pamper, send tons of gentle messages with words of support... It's so important to be a reliable rear for each other, to lend a shoulder. Isn't that the essence of a good relationship?
It turns out, not quite.
Scientists from the University of Iowa found that extra support only spoils the relationship.
"It's believed that the more you cheer him on, the better, but that's a myth," says Dr. Erica Lawrence. "Too much help does more harm than good."
Here's a story as an example. When the young man was fired, his girlfriend rushed to do everything that, as she thought, should do in such a situation, a faithful friend: to look for suitable vacancies, to help him make a resume, tried to be even more affectionate with him than usual... in the end, he simply ran away from her.
What had frightened him?
Too much love drives people crazy.
It is a great mistake to think that our partners need from us the same help that we would like to receive from them in such a case. Too different things need men and women.
Men often prefer to be left alone and given the opportunity to solve all the problems themselves. Women prefer to go through difficulties together.
Man since childhood, taught that he is the protector and breadwinner. And if you surround him with hyperventilation and overzealousness, it's like you're letting him know that he's helpless and unable to cope without you. But he doesn't want to be around someone who thinks he's weak. So give him the opportunity to decide what to share with you and what he needs from you to contribute to solving his problems.
Above all, resist the temptation to start telling him what to do if he doesn't ask. He has a mustache.
Example:
Let's say he got promoted. What will you do?" You hug me, you say, "Oh, poor thing! What a pity"? Or would you advise me to talk to my superiors about it again?" Offer to help you find a better job? No, no, no. So you just show him that he did not meet your expectations.
Better say: "Nothing, I know that sooner or later you will achieve your goal." And if he doesn't want to pursue the subject, don't bring it up again. And if he does, listen to him and remind him of all the times he's been successful, even if it's been a while.
Another disadvantage of your overreaction to his problems: now he will think not only about them, but also about the fact that he has upset or disappointed you, and will begin to worry about it.
Or he'll decide the problem is bigger than he thought. For example, he quarreled with a friend, and you begin to lament, ask what and how actively suggest how he can make peace with him. The guy thinks, " Wow. I thought it was all nonsense and tomorrow will be forgotten, and judging by the way she was alarmed, it turns out that I'm losing my best friend."
In such a situation, it is better to talk less and listen more, this will be a good support.
What's wrong with extra help from you?
And your man will be right when he is afraid that he has upset you with his troubles: if you really take his problems too close to your heart, then the stress is provided not only for him alone but for both of you. Try to abstract from the situation and stay calm so he can catch the calm from you.
Another risky point: if you give more help than you get, you start to feel resentful. Of course, at some point in life one gives and the other receives, but there must be some overall balance. If you're the eternal tearjerker, it's exhausting. Give yourself a break from this role.
Worse, when you get carried away with caring, you start to feel like his mom. Well, not sexy at all. Do so — you will not be mistaken
The most effective way to help, which always works, regardless of the circumstances, psychologists call "invisible help": so subtle that he does not always even notice that you are trying to support him, but gradually feel the support. It is that you are a little, not too deliberately, help him relax and try to cheer up.
For example, you cook for dinner his favorite dish, but it does not comment (no "do not worry, I fried you cutlets"). Or you go over and RUB his shoulders. You remind him that his favorite show is starting on TV. And all this — as if incidentally, that he didn't have the feeling that you are trying hard to cheer him up.
How to win his trust.
Have you noticed that the more you try to convince a man to share the essence of the problem, the more he withdraws into himself? Here's how to handle it.
In every relationship, as psychologists say, there is a place to play catch-up. The one who is chasing, looking for a closer connection, likes to share thoughts and feelings with a partner. And the one who runs away needs more personal space. The stronger the catch-up wants to reduce the distance, the more actively the pursued runs away. "Habit! You catch up, I run."
Often in the role of the pursuer are women. But you can turn things around. Spend more time with your friends, mind your own business, try to write and call him less often. Then he'll want you to pay more attention to him.