Injuries from our personality on an equal footing with a positive experience, and not always "for the worse". And, moreover, much earlier than many of us think. There is an opinion that months, up to 18 years old, all major injuries have already affected us.
So, injuries are inevitable. This is part of reality!
If you are ready to live in reality, be prepared to be traumatized and traumatized periodically.
If you set a goal of "not causing injury", it is like setting a goal of "not living". By the way, even the goal of "not causing injury" itself traumatizes the child.
Then what is the "trick"?
And it is not to do not injure, but to help the trauma to live in such a way that it does not control the child's subsequent life.
How is that?
The fact is that a strong trace in the child's soul leaves not so much the injury itself, as the lack of empathizing with the other. Another person who can tell the child what is going on, what is happening, what are his or her feelings, whether he or she feels that way, whether or not he or she is talking to the child, whether or not he or she feels that way, whether or not he or she discusses all of his or her fears and experiences without censorship and evaluation, and whether or not they can accept them without conditions. And then, even though the traumatic experience does not go anywhere, the child has another experience.
Trauma, we can say, gives him, through a close person next door, the experience of acceptance, the experience of intimacy, experience of support, the experience of accepting that the situation is tolerated, that he, a person, can survive this situation and survive. This is the way yesterday's trauma turns into today's resource. The child gains strength. The wound stops bleeding, and it will heal. It does not disappear anywhere, but it does not hurt anymore, and this pain does not control the child for the rest of his life.
The truth of life is that there is no magic wand that can be waved and injuries as if they hadn't happened. For example, it has already happened. And let's say you had a hand in it. And let's assume that you didn't survive the trauma together with your child as it should be. We did not survive for various reasons: because we were traumatized, that we did not notice his trauma, did not know what to do even if we noticed it, did not consider it necessary, did not empathize with his trauma in principle, because it was inflicted by ourselves.
There are a lot of reasons and everyone has their own in different situations. But now that you have been exposed to what you have "put your hand in", you can not waste your strength to mourn the old, you can "put your hand" to something new.
The reality is that it is impossible to evaporate the past negative experience... What has been done cannot become imperfect. On the other hand, old negative experiences can be used as a way of self-defense, depriving one of one's strength by bringing in a new, positive experience. The exhausted experience becomes manageable. And the participation of the parent in this sense, just indescribable!
In psychology, there is such a concept of interiorization. It describes the transition from the external to the internal.
A person interiors life experience all his life. In childhood - more actively, in adulthood - less. But still, it interiorizes. When I say the word experience, I don't mean only a set of information, a list of situations, and mental conclusions. I speak more about the experience of feeling, the experience of awareness of oneself in different situations, experience forming inner knowledge about oneself and the world. Knowledge is not ahead, but often unconscious knowledge. And if earlier, with parental help, a child "grew up" a "loser", "unworthy of love", "unimportant", etc., now, with the help of the same parents and other people, he or she has the opportunity to "grow" in himself or herself a "worthy of love", "accepted", "approved", etc.
How to do this? Through other relationships.
A parent needs to build a different relationship with their child. Closer, more open relationships. And it is never too late. But it involves certain risks. After all, we all take care of our children, but not all of us are ready to be open with our children.
Are we ready to become vulnerable sometimes for our children? Sometimes confused, not too smart? After all, through our adult vulnerability, they learn that they can be big, strong and vulnerable at the same time. Our experiences legalize their experiences. Create the inner knowledge that you can be an adult, a "respected" person, and yet not perfect in something. But the most important knowledge a parent can give a child is knowing about the things that he can change. His mother may become different. His dad can change. He can change himself. Always as soon as he chooses to change. As soon as you do, as soon as you finish mourning for your imperfection.
To be able to build a different relationship with your child, of course, you need to take care of yourself first. To be able to "be with someone else", you need to be able to "be with yourself". Inside any parent lives their own inner traumatized child. And, first of all, he needs help.