If Mother so perfect that she's even arguing like she's taught in books on pedagogy.
There are many stories about how parents were successful, were wonderful people and had great authority, and their grown-up children for a long time to collect themselves on the shards or looking for a place in the world.
The fantasies of a perfect life are like pictures from Instagram. When there are no quarrels, everything is good and right. Mom knows how to treat. Mom knows how to love. She has ordered in her house, but they appreciate it at work. And then her daughter will get married and drive herself into neurosis. She will dream of a soup tureen set in the center of the table every day, lace napkins and a successful career. She won't know she has the right to be weak. To say "no, I can't". To admit and allow chaos. And treat him not as a personal defeat, but as a part of life.
Or another example. My mother is the director of the plant, she has her own business. She is a big philanthropist, she is very interested in spirituality. Her son can't find his place in life for a long time, she has alcohol and all that. The stories are real, not just about the children who had everything. It's about something more: when the mother or father is also a moral landmark. And the children didn't succeed anyway.
Mom can love very sincerely, and yet the child she invented will be different from her real daughter. And all her life this real daughter doesn't know what she wants. And the mother will be sure that the daughter loves to read, listens and wears braids. It's just that the mother does not give room to another person in this image of her child.
In such families, there is often more than the right to make a mistake.
They have no place in the right to be wrong and vulnerable, to feelings, caprices, laziness, instincts, after all. Well, and on a mistake, too. An ideal mother never said that she was tired or couldn't do anything. She even quarreled correctly, according to clever pedagogical books. And now the grown-up daughter looks back on herself: whether I am a good mother, wife.
Mom, who knows how to argue savory, sometimes much more healing in its wrongfulness. A girl with a perfect mother has no right to "oh, forget everything", "oh, I'm tired", "the dust is lying there and I'll lie down". Such clients and clients start a panic attack at the weekend, and the husband (or wife) suddenly leaves in search of ease of life. Because real life begins when there is room for a little bit of a twin and a little hooligan.
It is impossible to separate oneself from a parent, an authoritative, almost holy one. In this tandem, a parent-child has no place for simple human weaknesses, no place for a real child. There is more myth than life here. Girls who come from families with beautiful mothers, often it is impossible to look back and compare themselves for a long time, do not allow themselves to just live. When a parent is exalted (by himself and others), it is impossible to be angry with him or to be wrong.
Maybe the parents of these stories were able to make a fool of themselves and laugh at the tears. But it was very difficult for their children to understand what they wanted in life or to admit to themselves that they did not want to strive for the ideal.
And so it happens that the ideal parent can not teach the most important thing - to be admired just by right of birth.
To develop a child to be himself
- Show your weaknesses and mistakes. And that you can live with them too and be loved. For example, not knowing how to hammer nails or ten times to pull up on the bar. A mother can be successful in her career and at the same time absent-minded: forgetting her umbrella or milk on the stove in a movie. Her successful company does not suffer from this.
- Talk about feelings. It is a myth that a child should not be told about them. Of course, you shouldn't burden him with problems not due to his age. But if never to be sad and not to admit it, how the child learns that the sadness and emotional pain that he sometimes experiences, happens to everyone.
- Notice and accept games and hobbies of the child without appreciation. Absolutely any.
- Allow yourself to fool around and do nonsense.
- Be sincere. Sometimes it is more honest and useful to call a mathematician a fool than to convince yourself and your child of the usefulness of a subject that the teacher cannot make interesting. After all, authority is not behind status, but honesty.
- Explaining that a person and his actions are not the same thing. It is only possible to praise and scold a specific deed.
- To tell about yourself as a child. These stories are especially interesting for teenagers. Tell us that you too were sometimes eaten by sadness, that you too ran away from lessons. Yes, we all went through problems of adolescence, tears, and broken hearts.
- Showing and telling about your life now: what do you love, what do you enjoy, why have you chosen your profession and what is interesting for you.