Injuries to a child are inevitable.
Injuries shape our personality on a par with positive experiences, and not always for the " worse." And, moreover, much earlier than many of us think. It is believed that months of commercials, to 18-year-old all major injuries, have affected us. So, injuries are inevitable. It's part of reality!
If you are ready to live in reality, be prepared to be hurt and traumatized periodically. If you set a goal "not to cause injury" – it's like setting a goal "not to live." By the way, even the very purpose of "non-injury" traumatizes the child. (Surely you are familiar with such a thing as" overprotection", and what comes of it.)
Then what's the "trick"? And it is not to not INJURE, but to help the trauma to LIVE so that it does not control the child's subsequent life. What is it like?
The fact that a strong trace in the soul of the child leaves not so much the trauma itself, as the absence of a number of empathetic other. Another who can tell the child: what is happening, what he is going through, call his feelings, check with him: whether he feels, talk to the child, discuss without censorship and evaluation all his fears and experiences, accept them without conditions. And then, despite the fact that the traumatic experience does not go away, the child has another experience. Trauma, we can say, "gives" him, through a close person nearby, the experience of acceptance, the experience of closeness, the experience of support, the experience of accepting that the situation is tolerable, that he, a person, is able to survive this situation and survive. This is the way in which yesterday's " trauma "turns into today's"resource". The child gains strength. The wound stops bleeding, it heals. It doesn't go away, but it doesn't hurt, and that pain doesn't control the child for the rest of his life.
And now look.
The truth of life is that there is no magic wand that can be waved and the injury would be "as it happened." Let's say it already happened. And let's say you had a hand in it. And let's say that it did not survive you then the trauma with the child "as we ought". Did not survive for various reasons: due to the fact that they themselves are injured, they did not notice his injury, did not know what to do, even if noticed, not considered necessary, not empathize with the trauma, in principle, because they themselves inflicted. There are many reasons and each has its own in different situations. But now that you have discovered what you "had a hand in", you can not waste energy on mourning the old, you can" have a hand " to something new. The reality is that the past negative experience it is impossible... to "evaporate", what happened can not be undone. But the old negative experience, it is possible to WEAKEN, to deprive of force, by the introduction of a new positive. An exhausted experience becomes manageable. And the involvement of a parent in this sense is simply unappreciated!
In psychology, there is such a thing as "interiorization".
It describes the transition from the outer to the inner.
A person internalizes life experience all his life. In childhood-more actively, in adulthood-less. But still internalizes. When I say "experience," I don't mean just a collection of information, a list of situations, and mental conclusions. I'm talking more about the experience of feeling, the experience of being aware of yourself in different situations, the experience that forms the "inner knowledge" about yourself and the world. "Knowledge "is not the head, but often unconscious"knowledge". And if earlier" with parental help "the child" grew up " in itself "loser", "unworthy of love", "unimportant", etc. now, with the help of the same parents and other people, he has the opportunity to "grow" in himself "worthy of love", "accepted", "approved", etc.
How to do it?
Through other relationships.
A parent needs to have a different relationship with their child. A closer, more open relationship. And it's never too late. But it involves certain risks. After all, we all care about our children, but not all of us are ready for openness with our children. Are we prepared to be vulnerable to our children sometimes? Sometimes confused, not too smart? Because through our adult vulnerability, they learn that you can be big and strong and vulnerable at the same time. Our experiences legalize their experiences. Create an inner knowledge that you can be an adult, "respected" person and at the same time in something imperfect. But the most important knowledge that a parent can give a child is the KNOWLEDGE that HE can CHANGE. His mom could be different. His dad can change. - > He himself-can change. Always, as soon as he chooses to change. As you will do once you have finished bemoaning your imperfection.
In order to be able to build a different relationship with your child, of course, you must first take care of yourself. In order to be able to "be with others", it is necessary to be able to "be with yourself". Inside every parent lives their own inner traumatized child. And he needs help-first of all! Perhaps, if our own parents had helped us to "grow" the inner knowledge that being a flawed parent is normal and GOOD enough, now our sense of guilt towards children would not paralyze us, forcing again and again to "sprinkle ashes on our heads", instead of focusing on the needs of their child.
In fact, what is going on in the psychologist's office? That's the same thing. Their relations are created, the experience of which a person interiorizes - "appropriates" to himself. He feels that he is accepted by another person — and learns to accept himself, he sees that the person sitting opposite understands him-and begins to understand himself. Over time, this new experience will be so appropriated by the client that he will be able to accept, respect, appreciate himself more. But when it makes its own parent - no PSYCHOLOGIST is NEEDED.
Truth, sometimes psychologists need very a parent, for moreover, to "cure" his domestic traumatized child, which lives in really parent. But this is a topic for another conversation.