Some people are poisonous in communication.
If there are feelings of guilt, shame, fear, emotional pain, - the person with whom these feelings appeared is toxic.
If the sense of self-esteem, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-esteem in contact with a person - he or she is toxic - falters.
If in communication with a person or after communication comes the thoughts "I'm talentless", "I'm a freak", "I'm not beautiful", "I'm lazy", "Something's wrong with me", "I'm doing shit" ... - then you've talked to a toxic person.
Toxic personalities assert themselves at the expense of others, praise, neglect, give marks, give advice, point out shortcomings, condemn deeds/words/lifestyles, use sarcasm, deny the importance of your experiences, make jokes, make claims, make others guilty.
What happens to a person who interacts with poisonous people? Such a person has an adequate image of himself. Communicating with toxic people is like a crooked mirror. A person is normal, he is all right, but looking in a crooked mirror, he will see a skewed face, crooked legs, let out eyes. And what to do? Do we have to change ourselves? No! You have to change the mirror.
For example.
I paid 3000 p. to a vocal teacher. He is a really good specialist. His students sing beautifully. It can be evaluated by video footage of his students. That is, the result of the lessons will be good. But what is the process? At the beginning of the lesson, the teacher puts the mobile phone on the music stand and plays exercise melodies with one hand and writes messages on the phone with the other. He doesn't look at me for an hour. When I show the songs I want to sing, he says, "Well, that's understandable. Okay..." - it's said with disappointment and lack of interest. And one of the songs is assessed as a harmony ride without a special melody and does not understand what can be found in this loud voice.
What thoughts have I had about myself?
"I guess there's something wrong with my taste"; "I seem to be listening to some shit if a specialist doesn't give me a positive assessment of my choice" The next thoughts are the promotion of self-judgment: "Maybe I don't look like this? I think I'm wearing an idiotic scarf. What feelings did you have? Immersing myself in shame, in self-judgment. What happened to the image of yourself and the sense of value? A sense of dignity and value is crumbling.
What to do with a toxic person?
There are 2 ways to do this: to stand up for boundaries and to break contact.
Defending boundaries is a conversation about the rules of conduct that is acceptable to me. But the more toxic a person is, the less they accept the rules of others. He condemns them for these rules. He accuses me of being inadequate.
And then the second option is to end the relationship. But what to do if the mother, father, significant teacher, mentor is toxic? What is the feeling that can arise if it is necessary to say, "This is not the case with me"?
There is fear. Fear of losing contact with this person. There is shame. How will I look in this person's eyes if I say what I don't like? There is guilt. I'm selfish/unaware if I want something for myself.
What's more important: to benefit from communicating with a toxic person and destroy your sense of dignity, or to preserve the value of yourself, but not to benefit?
Father/mother gives money, car, food... very convenient. But at the same time, they are constantly criticized, shouted, judged.
The teacher directs the student to an excellent result. Perhaps the student will win the competition. But in the process of achieving this result, the teacher neglects and gives negative marks.
The spiritual mentor explains how to meditate and passes on a lot of knowledge, but at the same time breaks the person, condemning his lifestyle/view/interests. A friend is always ready to listen, to lend money, to meet... but he criticizes and mocks. The supervisor pays well, but always compares it with other colleagues, makes fun of the team and points to mistakes, threatens to fire and forces him to work until 10 pm. What's more expensive, the benefit of money, knowledge, attention, or maintaining your sense of value?
I know only one way to do this - to set up rules for people. Talk about what I want and what I don't accept. Some people will lose contact with them. But there is much more to be gained - an incredibly deep sense of self-worth and freedom.
I called the teacher and told him that I liked the result he was leading to. But I am not happy with the process. I feel disrespected when a person writes messages instead of looking at me all the time. I'm upset when the songs I choose are judgmental. I begin to lose my self-confidence and inspiration. I no longer came to this person's class.
There are no irreplaceable ones. But I am alone. And you are the only one/one. Do not be afraid to talk about your feelings and what you do not like. You or will be more respected. Or ... you will find other more supportive and attentive friends, bosses, colleagues, teachers, partners.