One day a young woman came to me for a consultation. Beautiful, successful. But in the face of significant tiredness and depression. She wanted to talk. Just talk about pressing matters like changing jobs and hair color.
It would seem that there are no problems in her life. A successful career, a beloved and loving husband, life-full Cup. But sometimes something rolls, gnawing on the inside. Soul squeezes oppressive feeling of sadness and melancholy.
26 years ago, she was born. Virtually all its childhood passed under heartbreaking narratives mothers, as was hard with child, Pro complex giving birth and disappointing forecasts about health the baby's.
Vera, the name of my patient, admitted that it is still difficult for her to talk about it, but the desire to understand herself and the situation is stronger.
Mother didn't hide anything. She told in detail about the endless visits to doctors, diagnoses, and diseases that were found in little Vera. Mother literally transferred words of doctors: "Your daughter will never walk!" or" What a sick child you have!". And this is the softest. Vera still does not understand why it is necessary to tell the child, as if reproaching for something, with a note of accusation in his voice.
And it irritated Vera. She truly did not understand why the mother told her it all, all the unpleasant details.
An innate tendency toward introspection was pushing Faith on self-study of literature on the education of children. And she wondered how the difference between a textbook and real life could be so vast! She compared her experience of growing up to what was described in the books, and it only brought disappointment. The more she learned about parenting, the more upset she became.
Problem child
On a subconscious level, Faith at some point began to consider itself a problem. Her mother had suffered so much with her. Raising a little Faith is a daily nightmare for a mother.
Tears blurred her eyes, and resentment clutched at her throat. She stammered that she felt guilty about everything. That she was born, that she exists, that she caused her mother such suffering. An endless sense of guilt gave rise to another feeling. Now Faith needs of the mother and to the world. Must his life...
How many parents say to their children: "I put my whole life on you, and you..." there are many options for continuation. But that's not the point. And the fact that since childhood the child is instilled a sense of guilt. As if he had committed some crime and now had to pay the price. And the baby was just born. And not by choice. The decision on the birth of the baby was made by the parents, without his participation.
Parents put in the child's head the idea that the baby is to blame. What? The fact that mom or dad spent much more time and effort than expected. They spent their lives on the child and now want to take his life in return. The child becomes not a beloved baby, but an investment from which dividends are expected. And the child becomes a must...
Letters
“She never loved me, moreover, I think I hate my own mother. How many always nasty things me accounted for from it on the receiving end, curses. If that will make not so she recognized slightly whether not kill me is ready. If I have my own way and do as I please, I face such hatred and anger. She only calms down when something bad happens in my life. In these moments she can really come to my aid. I also noticed how happy she was when I argued with my husband. And makes sure we don't live with him.
If he buys me something elegant and beautiful, I see her eyes sparkle with envy, although she carefully tries to hide it. The next day, trying to buy the same thing.
If we make repairs in the apartment, then not a month goes by as she starts too, something to change. I have a feeling that she can't rest when I have something better than her... How can that be?
I do sometimes feel like my own mother hates me, even though I didn't do anything wrong. On the contrary, always try to help her.”
This is one of the letters I get. The regret is that this is not an isolated case, but quite a typical letter.
Daughters and mothers
Quite often there are families where mothers hate their own daughters. Their relationship is not built on love and care but on hatred, anger, and envy.
The relationship between mother and daughter is a unique cocktail of different feelings. They are closely intertwined at the deepest level. Among these feelings, there is all: love and hatred, joy and sadness, anger and appeasement. But some feelings are on the surface, and others are hidden deep inside and they do not set the overall tone of the relationship.
Even in the most painful and difficult relationship between mother and daughter, there is room for love. It's just hidden so deep that it seems as if it does not exist at all.
Law
Equilibrium inexorably acts on all spheres of human life. Where there is love, there is hate. Much depends on the maturity and spiritual development of a person. All saw a situation when small children furiously fight and beat each other than under a hand will get, and in five minutes quietly play together. Also in adulthood. If a person in his psychological development and remained a child, it will throw from one extreme to another. Perhaps, hence and went phrase:" from love until hatred... Only a Mature person, an adult, can consciously share feelings of love and hate.
If there is a small hurt child inside an adult, the behavior and reactions of the adult will be dictated by the influence of that child inside.
It's hard for a woman's daughter to connect the dots. In her view, the mother is always an adult and reasonable person. The daughter cannot understand that all the actions of the mother are guided by her inner offended child.
The woman is the mother when something did not get from his mother. And now it's coming to the surface. She can't give her daughter what she doesn't have.
If a woman's mother saw only envy and hatred from her mother, how could she give her daughter anything else? The model of behavior and relationships with the daughter are laid in the early childhood of a woman-mother. In it there is and love, and hatred, and the bright, and the dark feelings. But what matters is what's on the surface.
Of course, there are exceptions when a woman-mother tries to give her daughter what she did not get herself.
To be continued... https://zen.yandex.ru/media/id/5d8dbd85e4f39f00b039c094/ive-put-my-whole-life-on-you-and-you-part2-5d95cfa195aa9f00ad9f775b