How is self-loathing made?
Self-loathing is not a psychological state that is innately formed. In other words, no one naturally hates himself. After we were born, we learned from the later experience that we hate ourselves.
So how is self-loathing formed?
1. "They all think that I am not good, I think so."
Social psychologist George Herbert Mead mentioned in his "Mirror Self Theory" that people will pay attention to the opinions of the people around them and use these words to form their own judgments.
When most of the evaluations we receive are “bad reviews”, people will internalize these negative evaluations and think that they are not good or bad in these or those aspects, and gradually form self-loathing.
Sometimes, these negative comments from the outside world may be directed at individuals. For example, when I was under high-pressure education from a young age, I was often accused of being educated to "seek reasons from yourself first" when I encountered something.
So that when the child grows up and encounters any unsatisfactory situation, he will automatically think that he is doing something wrong, it is not good for himself.
In addition, negative evaluations may also target a certain identity or trait. For example, in a society dominated by patriarchal culture, describing a man as a "mother" and "like a girl" is almost equivalent to criticizing him for being "weak" and "not strong enough."
As a result, more feminine men may hate their feminine qualities and develop a dislike of their own.
Because few people will tell them, it doesn't matter. You are a little different from other boys. It is also worthy of being loved.
2. “It’s hard to get enough, the ideal is too far away”
Edward Higgins proposed three selves in his theory of self-bias:
- Actual self: Our actual physical and mental state is also our current situation.
- Ideal self: the qualities we want to have and the vision we have for ourselves.
- Ought self: the bottom line, the indispensable trait we think we must have
The ideal self is the driving force for us to fight hard, but when people realize that there is a big gap between the actual self and the ideal self, they may feel that they have not become the ideal self in their lifetime.
At that moment, when we are most anxious and want to give up our efforts, we are likely to be disgusted with the present.
On the other hand, if there is a certain gap between the actual self and the self that should be realized, we will easily blame ourselves and think that even the basic requirements for ourselves cannot be achieved, which is really bad.
If this situation persists for a long time, then self-loathing is an inevitable result.
3. “Protect your own vulnerability with self-loathing”
Everyone has a fragile side in their hearts, and it is very difficult to accept this vulnerability. Clinical psychologist Joseph Burgo believes that self-loathing is a defense mechanism against its own vulnerability.
On the one hand, by disgusting ourselves, we can have a better sense of control over ourselves. Everyone can be annoyed, and when others hate us, this hated feeling is uncontrollable and uncertain. In the face of such feelings, we are also more vulnerable.
At this time, if we ourselves have already hated ourselves before others, this hated feeling will become controllable and certain. There is even an idea that "I hate myself so much, and others hate me is normal ."
On the other hand, because we hate ourselves because we don't think we deserve anything good, we also avoid the risk of being hurt and exposing ourselves. This is very similar to what Tai Zaizhi said:
If you can avoid the violent ecstasy,
Naturally, there will be no grief.
In addition, self-criticism often carries out self-criticism, just as there is another one in the brain who runs out and speaks harsh words to them from the perspective of the observer.
In his work with visitors, Dr. Burgo found that behind self-criticism is the anger that people hide in the unconscious and the expectations of their own high expectations.
We may refuse to accept our own limitations, because we can't be angry with others, because we can't be a complete, perfect person and be angry, even ignoring any imperfections.
In order to resist these feelings, we let the voice accusing us of "not good enough" to attack us and hate the imperfect self.
Be told to "love yourself"
But in deeper disgust
If you feel pain because you hate yourself and want to get rid of the status quo, perhaps you have already tired of such advice:
"Don't tell yourself to belittle your own words."
"Replace self-criticism with affirmation of one's own words..."
There is also the phrase "You want to love yourself".
The self-loathing person struggles inside: "I just hate myself, what can I do, I am desperate. "
Even because I was told that I should love myself, I hate this "hate myself".
Cheri Huber wrote in a book called "Not Your Fault: Beyond Self-Hate":
"If you meet someone in your life and treat you like you treat yourself, you have long left Ta."
The difficulty of getting things is here. People who are self-loathing can't like themselves, and they can't treat themselves well; "hate people" and "people who are bad for themselves" are the same person, they are all themselves, and they can't get rid of them.