To live a full life and build a happy relationship, you must first value yourself. Unfortunately, the complex and deep-rooted childhood fears often distort our self-image.
At first glance, Galina is a model of a successful woman. And at work has time, and at home-order and comfort. She couldn't have been more than forty, and there were lines at the corners of her eyes. She is the head of a small division in a large Bank. A good position, salary, respect of subordinates ... the Son-the schoolboy learns on "4" and " 5". It would seem that this woman has everything for happiness, but it is difficult to call her happy.
Depreciation comes from childhood.
She has a magnificent figure, but her shoulders are always lowered. She sings beautifully. But from any praise routinely shrugs off: "Oops, Yes now such singers-sea." Galina married a simple Builder. Although admirers have were more prominent guys. The woman habitually serves the whole family, she is sorry to spend the money earned on a new dress and she does not ask for a promotion from the authorities, although it's time. Galina is one of those women who used to underestimate themselves. She is almost forty, but she still hears in her head the verdict of her strict mother: "you will never succeed. You are a loser!»
The difficulty of self-evaluation begins in early childhood — human was the grandfather of Freud. Lack of self-confidence has many causes. Very often in seemingly prosperous, full, normal families grow "devalued" children.
Adults can assume that they give their child everything they can: he is well and neatly dressed, fed, he buys books and toys. But the baby may not receive the most important thing-unconditional parental love and acceptance.
Here is a child drew a tree. Mom looks critically: "well, is it a tree? It's a post with squiggles!"Or the girl is afraid to sleep in the dark. As soon as the light goes out, it is approaching scary monsters. She cries, asks her mother to sit with her. But the tired woman categorically closes a nursery door: "there is nothing to be afraid here, lie down and sleep".
Such harsh phrases parents usually say in emotions, in a hurry, not giving them much importance, not realizing their destructive impact on the child's psyche. The child feels that adults are constantly dissatisfied with them. He tries to be what he would like to see. But receives praise and approval are much less likely than criticism and dissatisfaction.
"And that from you will grow?", "Yes who you such a married accorded?!"Selfish!"- such phrases can define a person's entire life. Make her turn away from the path of her aspirations and live to prove her mother wrong.
In particular, devalues the phrase impact on the psyche of girls. After all, them vitally is necessary love simply for what they there is, recognition they're of female of nature, embrace, kissing. But sometimes, they can get approval only for their efforts or achievement of high results. Parents do not admire them, do not say that they are beautiful. "The main thing is to have something in your head!"—this phrase must have heard in childhood, many women who are now over thirty. And it's not that the parents were bad. No, they wanted their daughters to be happy, they tried to educate them to be independent, they were afraid of their early pregnancy, early marriage ... they Wanted what was best.
How to love yourself.
Anyone who has not received parental affection and approval, familiar with this feeling: "the Main thing that was close to good", "I do not need much", "Who will need me if I leave my husband." Devaluing herself, an adult woman lives as if not her life, she is afraid to breathe deeply, to do what she loves, to live with whom she wants and to whom her soul lies, and not with the one "who first proposed". She's afraid of being beautiful because she doesn't want to draw attention to herself.
Her self-esteem is fragile and vulnerable, like a snowdrop in the spring. It must be patiently fertilized with acceptance and support, watered with its small successes, protected from the harsh winds of condemnation and criticism.
Self-depreciation shit, forcing all the time to deserve love. And as same painful for, when woman receives instead gratitude for their pains-even greater use and disrespect.
Unfortunately, the magic pill "self-love" scientists have not invented. It is impossible to gain value by trying to be good to others and expecting recognition from them. It is a big and difficult inner work, many small steps on the way to a big goal.
An adult woman can gain self-worth by consciously compensating for what she did not receive as a child. On the one hand, freeing your mind from wrong attitudes, parental judgment and the habit of taking on faith the criticism of others. And on the other hand, tod-to be able to see its appeal and value
through the reflection of other people.
She needed someone to admire, approve, and support her, to teach her day by day to appreciate her accomplishments and not to exaggerate her shortcomings, to forgive herself for her inevitable mistakes and blunders. Someone who could show her how much good there is in her.
Sometimes the only such person is a psychologist with whom a trusting relationship is built.
Who am I? What am I? What do I want to do? What do I really like? What I love? Who do I want to be around? How do I want to feel? What makes me smile and feel happy and fulfilled?
These questions will have to be asked again and again. And answer them truthfully. Only in this way you can understand how to live on, what to do, how to know and find your real self.