Those who love to save friends, husbands, and strangers
Any addiction is a way to get away from life. And co-dependence as well. Inclusion in the life of another person eliminates the need to engage in their lives. There is simply no time for it.
To make a man of her husband, to cure his father, to help a friend to part with an alcoholic, to pull his brother out of the pit, to save her husband from addiction – a lot of things for the one who considers himself a Black cloak, on whom lies the mission to save the world. A great and noble occupation, socially approved! Starting from the need to "pull his cross" and be "the wife of the Decembrist", ending- "you can not throw friends in trouble", and anyone can not throw. And we need to save, even with my life, time, money, energy... everything. Codependency
Until one day you step into the void. You will not get to the sharp point of impotence and pain. Bordering on despair and a sense of their own uselessness, stupidity, use. With a vivid and from this even more macabre realization, that all of this was for good reason.
There is a lot of bitterness and pain in codependency. Because no matter how hard you try, you can't change another person. Change his world, make it the way you want it, the way you love it. As you need.
There's a lot of resentment in codependency. I try to, do...and he... and they... and she...
There is anger at herself for her stupidity, and the other for his weakness, weak-willed, the spinelessness, as an example – the inability to take and to quit drinking. Well, after all, what's so hard about it? Or can not a close friend to leave her husband an alcoholic... why? My brother can't change jobs, find another normal one. Or husband, in the end, can not start to earn. What here difficult?
Saving others gives a sense of power.
First, rescuers are always stronger than those they save. A sense of superiority in mind. "Someone else's trouble with my hands."
And there's a lot of power in rescuing.
What does the co-dependent depend on?
Co-dependence is dependence on actions to save another. and from feelings, whom these actions are accompanied by.
The system of co-dependent relations includes the person (s) wishing to save the poor co-dependent. In our scheme, this is a friend's wife.
"Addicted" is addicted to alcohol. And "codependent" - from the activity to save him.
What for? Why save another? I want to live next to a person who is doing well. Who doesn't live in this shit all the time? If this unfortunate is not a distant relative or friend, with whom you do not have to see every day, and the person with whom you live side by side, it still affects your whole life.
Here the question arises-why not go and leave? This understanding holds a stranglehold on the truly co-dependent. And not "truly", those who not grew with father-an alcoholic, - can and not stop, walk away, not looking.
A lot of energy is invested in the rescuer. Often these forces are calculated in years. And decent money. It's a shame to give it up. And admit that everything was in vain and in vain.
It hurts to see someone you care about ruin their life. As the, with whom you couple of years ago were in movies and nice twittered in cafes,???? already staggering, by holding on to the fence, moves to the short a puddle of. Or a strong, bright beautiful girlfriend, living with her husband an alcoholic, already turns into a wreck-an old woman.
Salvation is like a computer game of chance. I'm for this player and I want him to win! I have no intention of giving up!
Codependency is holding the same grip as a dependency. Get rid of it nor slightly not easier.
Any addiction is a way to get away from life. And co-dependence as well. Inclusion in the life of another person eliminates the need to engage in their lives. There is simply no time for it. Sense, drive, and excitement. Participation in rescue operations shall make something to live for. Adds the drive. Makes a stir.
To discuss the problems of another person (and simply gossip) is always safer than to think about their problems, with someone to discuss and solve them. It's an opportunity to convince myself that I'm doing something important. And that in this case your problem isn't solved.... God forbid not to notice. The most difficult thing in codependency is to recognize and accept your powerlessness
No matter how hard I tried not to invent and no matter how much I put my efforts, "a horse can be brought to water, but you can not make it drink." Nothing I can do.
Imagine for a moment that your husband stopped drinking. Here you treated him, treated and cured. He stopped drinking, came to, went from homeless to a normal man and ... oops.. some quick whore got her hands on him. Younger than you by ten years, not boring and not tired, but ready to build with him a beautiful, bright, full of novelty and temptations life together... and you, the one who gave the best years, nights did not sleep, looking out for him, a lot of money, worked at three jobs and raised children without him – what will you stay with? While you were doing it, someone was doing themselves, building a career, traveling, resting, having Affairs or living a happy family life. What have you spent and are going to spend your life on?
Imagine for a moment that your friend, whose problems you live, finally solved them all. Made some money, met a normal man and went to Hawaii. She doesn't even have time to call you. She sends pictures of where they are on a background of sea sunset, smiling and happy. What will you be left with? What about your life?
But your husband has finally risen. He wonderfully (you put in healthy eating, the motivation to run in the mornings). He lost weight, got prettier, tightened his biceps, pumped up the press, turned his shoulders, his small business finally went up the hill. And suddenly he bitterly and tears in his eyes said, " Mother, I'm so grateful. I just realized what a beautiful thing life is. I want more time to live. I must go. I want to cycle around the world." Or " I met her. She's young, beautiful. I finally felt like a man. Understand me...»
But it happens that the other woman becomes the woman, and the one with the sharp scythe comes in a long robe. If a man drinks a lot or uses drugs, the chances that he will live a long time very little. And here you are in your fifties, twenty-five of which you have invested in his salvation, and what is the result? The lid of the coffin and the tombstone in the new cemetery.
The most difficult thing in codependency is to recognize your powerlessness and illusory power over another person.
Admit that you've been playing this game too long. It's time for you to think about yourself, about your life. Live what only you need. What do you love, what do you like, where your soul rests and sings. Take care of yourself, your business, your career, training, etc.
themselves in order...
Is it possible to enjoy, walk, meet friends, travel and otherwise enjoy life when the other side is sick? Alcoholism, destructive relationships...
I don't know. After all, life is contagious. Suddenly, looking at you, and your rescued like to live.
I'm not talking about responsibility in this article. It seems to me that it is clear that everyone is responsible for his own life. What a man does with his life is his adult choice.
Atavistic relations – serious way, full of traps and your own, “custom”, hooks. Look for them carefully yourself to get rid of them only in therapy.