The repressed feeling of guilt that arose in childhood stretches for a person all his life, becomes a character trait. Such people cannot say "no", help others to the detriment of themselves, turning a noble act into absurdity — their help is excessive, boring and sometimes causes rejection of those to whom it is addressed. And since a person acquires a guilt complex at an age when he can not yet comprehend his own emotions, then, having grown up, he does not realize the real reason for his behavior.
For the first time, the American psychoanalyst Karen Horney, who began her studies in Europe and emigrated to the United States during the coming to power of the Nazis, spoke about female sacrifice. Trying to understand this phenomenon, she came to the conclusion that it is based on unconscious repressed guilt.
Causes of female sacrifice
Let's understand the essence of this behavior on the example. A certain woman does more in the family than she can handle, and more than is necessary. She devotes herself to the house, does not study anywhere, does not work, only washes, irons, cleans. And at the same time constantly reproaches her husband for not appreciating her really hard work. If you ask why she became a slave at home, she will find many seemingly rational explanations. She will say that she did not continue her education because in the beginning there were small children, someone had to sit with them at home. And when the children grew up, the family moved into another apartment, and the amount of household work increased.
At first glance, the explanation is plausible and logical, and, speaking so, the woman does not dissemble, she really believes that these are the reasons for her fanatical work for the benefit of the family. But there is a deep mechanism of this phenomenon, forcing her to constantly sacrifice herself.
It starts in childhood, usually arising in the family, where the mother just selflessly works for the family, but at the same time authoritarian and suppresses others. Giving her all for the children, she constantly reproaches them for every misdemeanor. In response, a spontaneous feeling of hostility arises in the little man. It can occur naturally: a child throws a toy or screams. And if the mother understands and accepts his anger correctly and shows the baby that he noticed his irritation, the psychological development of the child will go in the right direction.
But sometimes the child is not aware of his hostility. Unlike adults, he is not burdened by moral and ethical norms and needs unconditional acceptance: he loves his parents, and they love him. Unconsciously, the child feels that it is impossible to feel anger towards the mother, the most beloved, the closest being. In this case, in his soul hostility is replaced by guilt. This happens as follows: "I do not love my mother, she is bad. But this should not be, the mother can not love, it is the best in the world. So I'm the bad guy."
The feeling of repressed guilt can be explained by the so-called" excellent student syndrome", when a child torments himself, trying to learn only five. Because he lacks the ability, he prepares lessons sometimes until one, until two o'clock in the morning and cries, having received a four. This exhausting diligence he tries to earn the love of his mother, who once caused him an unconscious sense of guilt. Although the mother no longer requires excellent grades, he can not get rid of the underlying feelings of guilt in front of her and seeks to achieve the impossible.
It is extremely difficult to determine the limit from which the psychological pressure of the mother becomes excessive, leading to a sense of guilt. The psyche of people is different. For example, one of the two sisters who experienced the same psychological pressure of the mother will develop a sense of guilt, and the other will not, her threshold of sensitivity is higher.
The repressed feeling of guilt that arose in childhood stretches for a person all his life, becomes a character trait. Such people cannot say "no", help others to the detriment of themselves, turning a noble act into absurdity — their help is excessive, boring and sometimes causes rejection of those to whom it is addressed. And since a person acquires a guilt complex at an age when he can not yet comprehend his own emotions, then, as an adult, he does not realize the real reason for his behavior.
Meanwhile, testing yourself, you can determine whether you have this complex. There are three signs of repressed guilt.
The first is the rigidity (stability) of repetitions of actions, their Intrusive nature.
"I can't go to bed," says another woman, " if the dishes are dirty. I'm going to fall down from exhaustion after a day of work and household chores but will wash up all the dishes. No one will do it without me." And she really observes this rule every day, in whatever state is not, turning the usual work around the house in self-torture, in a duty that she must fulfill.
The second sign is some unreality of what is happening.
It manifests itself in excessive fixation on the household, in the syndrome of "ideal mother, ideal wife", when a woman with full conviction declares that she has no time to carve out two or three hours a week to go to the gym, to the library. This is certainly not true. The truth is that this woman does not allow herself to self-actualize, she needs to constantly sacrifice her health, time, interests.
The third sign is the demand for gratitude.
The constant desire to hear from loved ones words of gratitude also indicates a deep sense of guilt. When a woman now and then reproachfully turns to the family: "I did everything for you, gave everything to you, and you:" and does not hear in response to gratitude, then her efforts to restore order in the house they do not need, her actions are caused by a complex of guilt. True love doesn't require gratitude.
What needs to be done in order to get rid of feelings of misplaced guilt?
First of all, stop and think about whether you do not have enough time for recreation and entertainment. Go to the theater, to the sauna, to her friends. Then home for yourself, you will find the time to do the laundry, wash the dishes, tidy the apartment. And you, not demanding from them gratitude, hear words, which will sound gratitude of and love.
Unfortunately, most often independently to change the line of the behavior the woman doesn't manage. And if it is possible, often the feeling of guilt does not disappear. Trying to rebuild your life can result in even greater problems. Therefore, it is best to turn to a psychologist who will identify the roots of the complex and together with the patient will pass the thorny path of getting rid of the guilt instilled in her once in childhood.