Some people speak in high tones all the time. "Don't shout! - We request them. And they answer: "I'm not shouting, it's my voice! And then they say, their voice is normal, but high and loud notes give out psychological peculiarities of these people. Let's try to figure out which ones.
One of my acquaintances to the question: "Why did you part with this woman, because you loved her so much, even ready to adopt her children from the first marriage? - He replied, "They're always yelling. For any reason.
Why are people yelling?
You've probably noticed that in a moment of excitement or uncertainty, we often start talking louder than usual. It's as if we're defending ourselves or asking for help without knowing it. If you hear a scream, you have to react. That is, in the end, the scream is addressed to others. Sometimes it is a very important signal of danger. And it requires an immediate response. In general, it says that a person is ill and needs help. Everything seems to be transparent, what else to discuss here.
But, as it turns out, it's not that simple. Sometimes high tones are used for other purposes:
- Manipulation
- Suppression of others
- Suppressing your fear and anxiety
- Self-assertion, etc.
After all, a scream can be just a bad habit, soaked in the milk of a mother who is constantly yelling at her child.
A habit of yelling is from childhood.
There are families where kids are screamed at a lot. Why? You can try to find a logical explanation for this, such as the fact that the child does not hear and does not perceive the usual tone of speech, he has to be addressed many times, so we shout, they say, to get there faster.
This is the main secret of parental high tones. I want to achieve results faster and with less effort. Just lazy to explain something to the child, long and tedious to persuade him. It is easier and faster to shout, and everything will be ours. But as a result, the child's mind develops a certain style and algorithm of communication. And gradually he gets used to shouting and requiring more and more decibels and angrier parental response. And then he learns to communicate with people on high tones.
So the usual parental laziness generates long-playing problems in communication and human life. In adult life, we invariably copy the parental patterns of behavior obtained in childhood. It turns out that "it's my voice like that" since childhood. Many of us in our conscious adult lives have to fight against negative parenting programs, including the habit of solving issues on high tones.
Scream does not solve the problem.
Among other things, this is the easiest way to resolve a conflict or problem. It seems to lie on the surface. Shouting does not solve problems, or rather, it only leads to temporary and superficial results. Most likely, to avoid the negative effect that has on the psyche, eardrums and our mood of someone else's scream, we will do something to stop the scream. So to speak, we will take emergency measures. But the very cause of the conflict will remain unresolved, the situation will repeat itself sooner or later and then wait for a new attack of shouting.
A wife can raise her voice as much as she likes, throwing her socks everywhere. And to avoid her screaming, he will pretend to be careful. But this will not be his conscious decision, associated with the understanding that it should be done in order not to create problems for his wife and not to disturb the order in the house. It's more like a favor that doesn't eradicate bad habits. If you remove the source of irritation (i.e. the wife) from the apartment for a while, the socks will be scattered all over the perimeter of the house again.
You've probably noticed that it's hard for us to do anything from under a stick, i.e. under the influence of an angry shout. A man is so arranged, the most valuable for him are conscious actions. That is, those that he commits voluntarily for their good intentions. How to achieve such voluntary conscious behavior from children and adults, it is already a question of another article. But shouting for this can be quite difficult, especially if this style of communication is used in your environment. People get used to everything, including, unfortunately, shouting and no longer perceiving them as extreme distress signals.
Sometimes you have to watch uncontrolled vocal battles on various political and talk shows. Everyone is shouting, nobody hears, respects and does not want to understand. Sometimes the same type of dialogues happen between spouses. As a result, the truth is not born, the problem is not solved, but the gap of understanding increases and the conflict becomes worse. Worst of all, love and respect go away...
Don't let the screams get in the way.
Whatever the reasons for the increased tones, don't be like a screamer and don't go to the decibel level. Sometimes it is obvious that this is exactly what he wants. Be quieter, wiser and stronger. Quiet analysis of the situation, emphasized by a quiet voice sometimes acts amazingly as a lightning rod. Even better, mirror your opponent's condition by agreeing to his scream and trying to explain it from his point of view. "I understand that you're freaking out, that you're sick, that you're nervous, etc. I feel bad too... But... Let's..."
These three magic words should help you pull the sufferer out of a state of screaming.
- I understand... You don't push him away, you don't waver away like an obsessive screaming fly, whose buzzing has got you pretty tired or pissed off. You try to understand and accept what is happening to him. This is your first and main step.
- But... It allows you to express your attitude to what is happening, helps a person in distress to look at the situation from a different angle, to find feedback, to set up the analysis of the situation and helps to find a way out of it.
- Let's... try... It's magic. Salvation. Exit. This is what they expected from you, raising your voice. Here the result depends only on your wisdom, kindness, and breadth of soul.
In general, all of us, perhaps, need to remember: when a person is happy and satisfied, he does not shout. Maybe we should just become kinder and help each other to be comfortable, and then negatively charged screams and high tones will go away from our lives.