The destiny of each of us is determined by our ability to think and treat everything that happens around us correctly.
Everyone decides how to live as a child. This is his life scenario - a plan that is formed in early childhood under the influence of parents. We are influenced by family scenarios, beliefs, and prejudices, "family myths". The family scenario contains established traditions and expectations for each person, which are successfully passed on from generation to generation.
Such scenarios can be transmitted in the following phrases: "the traditions of our family do not allow us to do so", "no one in our family has ever done so", "it has always been customary for our family to live by such principles", etc.
Or "family myths" that unite the family with their idea, history, legend: the myth of "evil destiny"; the persistence of marital happiness; "our family is friendly", "We are heroes", etc. Various scenarios and "family myths" are often unconscious attitudes among family members that support the existence of the family and form internal rules. It is believed that stable family scenarios and "family myths" are based on the experience of more than one generation.
Their positive role is that they help families survive difficult crisis situations. That is why they take root in the minds of family members very strong and continue to work, even when the threat and struggle for survival are no longer relevant. To achieve happiness in family life, it is necessary to replace mythological thinking with practical solutions to actual problems.
How often have you heard different kinds of family beliefs, teaching stories, "myths" from their relatives, and they affect us sometimes not in the best way, especially when we are not aware of them? In the life of each of us, there may be situations in which we are not dependent on each other, and it may be family attitudes that are the cause of these situations.
What drives us is that we are not aware of it. Think about your family and personal life, what are your guiding principles, and what beliefs drive you? Write down a list of such beliefs and attitudes and write down how they help and hinder each other. If the directive limits what you can do to make it useful (wherein what context?) or at least not interfere.
A person can formulate his or her own system of values different from those of the family and others around him or her. Focusing on it, he sets goals based on his abilities and needs, builds the most successful scenario of his life, which will best match the scenario of his partner. The ability of the partners to approach the issue of values and rules in their family flexibly indicates their compatibility in marriage. The very fact of marriage implies that two people seemed to be irresistible to each other.
Most likely, the "durability of marriage" does not depend on the mystical compatibility of characters, but on the extent to which people can and want to meet each other's needs. Often the breakdown of a marriage relationship is due to the fact that one or both spouses do not know how to meet each other's needs. The most worrying are differences in preferences, desires, habits, and tastes; different attitudes and opinions. However, differences between spouses can be seen as an opportunity to develop relationships.
Willard F. Harley, in his book "Laws of Family Life", identified five basic needs for husbands and wives, which spouses expect from each other. For husbands, these are sexual satisfaction; relaxation together; wife's attractiveness; wife's housekeeping or "domestic support"; moral support from the wife (husband's admiration for the wife). Basic needs of wives in marriage: romantic atmosphere in the family, tenderness shown by the husband, the need for communication (the opportunity to talk to the husband about everything that happened during the day), honesty and openness in relations with the husband, financial support of the father of the family, devotion to the family. These categories of needs may be different for different people, however, there are clear gender differences between the needs of spouses.
If the needs of men and women are so different, it is no surprise that people find it difficult to adjust to married life, says W. Harley. Thus, each spouse has to reach a minimum level of satisfaction of their needs, otherwise, there is tension in the relationship. If the spouses, while communicating about what is important to each other, find that because of the inherent differences in needs and values, they lose more than acquire, they will see each other in a new light.
Understanding each other's needs brings clarity to the picture of the relationship, allowing the relationship to develop in the best possible way.
