Tell me, why do we consider ourselves a generation of deeply traumatized people? After all, there are only a few people who have gone through real violence in childhood, and most of us have grown up in more or less normal families. And this view has shaped our habit of looking at ourselves so far. Therefore, we see ourselves as a bunch of defects that we want to change. And not only us. The people around us do not miss the opportunity to point out to them, just as we hurry to point them out. And here we work on ourselves and work, striving for perfection, which has no limit.
There are two views on ourselves and the people around us (including the child).
- The first one is that I am not good enough, which means that I have to do something special to become better. And here are set the bars that you are always trying to achieve, the standards that you are trying to fit in, and the requirements that you are trying to meet. And this path is endless. A kind of constant race. Development for the sake of development. The anxiety, as a rule, is rabid for such people. And they are so accustomed to living with it that they do not even notice it. They always see in themselves flaws that need to be improved and eliminated to finally become a "man". You can hear a lot of self-denial phrases from them: I'm stupid, I'm fat, I'm rude... Stop in my quest for perfection is tantamount to degradation and death. And nobody even thinks that this is just a child's habit of proving his mother's right to live. Only now it is not the mother, but the whole world.
- The second is that I am already satisfying, right, with my strengths and weaknesses, limitations and talents. But the main thing is that I am constantly developing and growing. Well, just because a person always develops and grows. Everyone has his path: his own pace, his cycles, his tasks, and goals. And I have already been given everything for a full life. And what is not given now will be given when there is a need, when I grow up. This is what they call being alone.
So which of the two views do you look at yourself and your child? In the first case, the patterns are more or less standard and come from outside. People are looking for great teachers who will finally teach them to be right, listen little to themselves, their needs, their powers. Well, can you listen to yourself? You are the "unfinished" and "do not understand anything in this life"!
In the second case - it is always an individuality, which is realized in yourself, you begin to see in your child. You give him the right to be himself, even if he is different from you. Well, if he is good and right, he may be different. And then it becomes exciting to observe the pattern of your child, his personality. This is the basis, the foundation of unconditional acceptance. Such a view immediately sobers parents in their fears, and for their ambitions, they suddenly begin to see the child, his needs, his possibilities. And the establishment of boundaries and prohibitions - it is just a building of relationships, as with any other normal person. And then we help children exactly where they need it, not where we think they can't handle it. And it is in the form that we need, not in the form that we chose the right one.
However, we often benefit from first sight. Why not? Because there is always a goal, there is always a race and an illusion of violent activity. And with a child, it is a vast space for our ego. It is so common that we know how to take care of the weak and inferior. We have such a society. And if someone else is incapacitated as a child, we always know where to apply ourselves. Therefore, there is a habit to look for shortcomings and weaknesses in the person to be around and understand their needs. And we are all kind, pitiful...
I often repeat that pity is a source of pride. We feel sorry for the people we put below us. First, we need to find something to be sorry for so that it is easy to love and show love in our actions. Pity means losing faith in a person. When a child is very young, this view is even more or less justified. And yet, the little one can do little in this life. And so it is customary that the role of the addict and the weak in our consciousness, it is always the role of the inferior. No wonder that our mothers are so afraid to get old. After all, the price is strong, on horseback and with a checker. But when the same attitude to the already, to put it mildly, grown-up "kids", it's absurd. And then we wonder where so many infantile adults come from. Everything from there, from pitiful moms who can't accept that their child is right, healthy and impeccable since birth.