What would a person with a lack of psychological boundaries look like?
My friend is a lack of psychological boundaries. She can't think of herself as an independent individual, can't stick to her own ideas, can't respect her real needs, and make choices based on it. Because she is afraid.
The reason why she is afraid is that she does not feel herself as an independent person in her emotions - it is the vassal of her father.
She must follow her father's needs to arrange her life; she is emotionally unable to make herself independent of her father, and her emotions are always influenced by her father's emotions. She can't distinguish her emotions from her father's emotions; she can't distinguish her needs from her father's needs. I don't realize that I, as an independent person, have the right to respect my own heart and make choices. For her own affairs, the father has no right to interfere.
In the same way, her father is also lacking psychological boundaries. He is not aware of her daughter as an adult and has the power to decide her life.
In this father's world, the daughter is like him with one arm and one leg, and the dominating power is still in his own hands. The meaning of the existence of the daughter seems to make him feel satisfied and add light to his face. Once he feels that he has lost 100% control over his daughter, he will feel that his daughter is bad.
He seems unable to allow his daughter to have an independent life - the daughter is to exist around his needs, otherwise, he will be angry. His anger is the weapon that controls his daughter.
For young children, parental emotional control is a very powerful weapon that allows children to obey very efficiently. But this obedience also has consequences - it is likely to cause the child to lose the courage to develop an independent self, and thus unable to achieve healthy psychological growth.
But for parents, children obedient and obedient will definitely save a lot of worry. When parents are busy (even if they are busy playing mahjong), the children will play quietly, and many parents will be proud of their own "teachers have a good side": Hey, how to teach such obedient children!
From the child's point of view, he is quietly playing, but behind it may mean that he has given up his attachment to his parents and has to return to his own world and satisfy himself.
There are also some disobedient children. If they can’t stand the alienation of their parents, they will use their crying and misfortunes to win the attention of their parents. But if parents need to get control of the children’s obedience, it will be difficult. Allow children to “out of control”. Therefore, the child's crying is a very easy way to anger many parents.
For children who have returned to their own world, they are "king the king" in their own world.
He will hope that in this world, everything will work as you want, and everything will be decided by himself. So he gradually became a parent, and he began to treat others with the methods he had used to hurt himself.
For example, he is likely to be unable to respect and understand other people, thus constantly invading the psychological boundaries of others. He does not feel that it is not correct to humiliate others in the face of many people, because he is here.
He can't realize that others also have their own territory, and they have many differences in their thoughts, needs, and emotions.
If he is faced with a relatively healthy person, the other party may refuse his invasion, which will make him feel frustrated. If he has better reflective ability, these frustrated experiences can lead him to self-adjustment, and may develop a relatively healthy psychological boundary; if he does not learn to adjust, he is likely to become a person who constantly makes people around him crazy.
However, he is also wronged by himself. He does not really want to hurt others.
In his world, he still feels that everything he has done is right, even if he feels good for others, but makes the other person so uncomfortable. He could not understand why his actions were hurting and invading others.
When he is a parent, he may still be like his parents: in the name of a good child, continue to limit the development of the child.
There are other possibilities for children returning to their own world:
because their feelings about the outside world are “dangerous”, they cannot let themselves go out and explore, and they cannot let themselves have a more comprehensive understanding of the world.
The less you know, the less you understand the real world. So in their world, there will be a lack of boundaries between fantasy and reality, that is, the realization of fantasy as reality, which is also the lack of psychological boundaries.
What is fantasy as a reality?
For example: "I think the world is full of danger, so you may be the one who hurts me, so I can't believe you."
Another example: "You said him so well, that is to say, that I can't."
Or "You are late, you definitely want to stop me."
This is actually some of his ideas and guesses. Only he will firmly believe that these ideas are reality, that is, they exist. This indistinguishable is the source of many painful experiences.
When parents over-restrict children and can not give room for development, it is naturally possible to arouse the child's strong resistance: "I don't listen to you." But even if this sentence seems to be very rebellious, "not listening" is still subject to the idea of parents is still not independent...
Then, what happens when people whose psychological boundaries are not complete enough to have an independent psychological space?
- In the relationship, they:
- either try to control others;
- or fear to have a real relationship with people;
- either lack independent thinking, obey the people;
- or constantly invade the psychological space of others, thereby irritating others;
- or the inner world is in chaos, there is no real understanding of things;
- either they will be in extreme turmoil of emotions, and so on.
Anyway, his life will be lost to the state of truth and freedom.