01 What is emotional blackmail?
In daily life, we sometimes have difficulty making requests directly to others, and we also play some tricks of manipulation, such as: "Oh, if someone opens the window, it will be fine." Instead of saying: "Can you please open the window?" "As long as these little tricks don't bring discomfort to both sides, they are actually innocuous."
There is a clear line between turning from everyday manipulation to extremely harmful behavior. That is: "At the expense of our will, health and happiness, we constantly use the means of manipulation to force us to compromise and meet their requirements, and manipulation becomes emotional extortion."
02 Emotional Blackmailer's Tools
Fear:
You can try to ask yourself the following questions:
- Am I afraid that they are against me?
- Am I afraid that they are angry?
- Am I afraid that they no longer like me, love me, or even leave me?
If there is a positive answer, then the blackmailer is using our deepest fear as a threat to let us surrender to him. In fact, these fears existed as early as infancy, and the early sense of helplessness gave the baby the fear of being abandoned. When adults encounter emotional blackmail, the original baby-style fear is easily awakened, and we have to give in under pressure. This is the adult version of our childhood fears.
Such extortionists often show the face of a punitive or self-punishing person. They tell us what consequences we might have if our needs are not met, or what they will do to themselves. For example, "If you want to divorce me, don't even want to see the child." "If you leave me, I will die."
Obligation: Obligation / Responsibility
The extortionists emphasize how much they give up and sacrifice because of others, and they also use the creed of social traditions, religious beliefs, etc., emphasizing that others should feel owed to them. This trick is often used by parents who are flustered in their children (and neglected to grow up). They consciously or unconsciously instill in their children: a good child should be with his family; I have made so much for this family. Sacrifice, you should obey me.
The extortionists converted their demands on us into our obligations. This is a blackmail for disguise, a sense of responsibility under coercion, equivalent to moral abduction.
And those who are manipulated by their responsibilities and obligations, Susan described them as the Atlas gods in Greek mythology and used their shoulders to pick up the whole sky. They blur the boundaries of their responsibilities to others, just remember to do their best to others, but ignore themselves. Their inner OS is often:
- This is what I owe them.
- They have done so much for me, I can't refuse their request.
- It is my responsibility.
Guilt:
Guilt is a natural and appropriate psychological reaction to behaviors such as injury, deception, and abuse. But the guilty feeling of excessive error will make us misread our behavior. There is an example that reveals the formation process of "error guilty psychology"
03 Why is there an emotional extortionist?
The author admits that in fact, "most of the extortionists are not demons, they are rarely driven by the evil of the heart, instead, they are driven by the demons." Some of them may have had an unfortunate childhood, suffered heavy losses, and lost their emotional dependence. In adulthood, they are still sensitive to setbacks and cannot face loss.
Emotional blackmailers are filled with fear, anxiety, and insecurity. In order to let themselves no longer feel rejected, neglected, abandoned, they are in the position of extortionists to position themselves as seemingly strong and master.
The author once persuaded one of her visitors to play the role of a roaring blackmailer. The visitor said that when she roared, she felt no power at all, but felt fear and helpless, just like someone wanted to take it. Taking her most beloved thing, she can only let herself cry out by snarling and screaming.
Emotional blackmail seems to make the blackmailers in the upper hand, but they make them fall into ignorance and chaos for a long time. Moreover, the self-esteem of the blackmailed person is damaged, the health and happiness are deprived, and the sense of security and intimacy in the relationship is lost. Imagine that when we have to fight with someone in a war, what is the sincerity and intimacy in the relationship?
04 How to get rid of emotional extortion?
In order to completely change the bad relationship of emotional extortion, the author provides us with many paths. In my opinion, one of the most effective ones is to cut off the hotkey.
Hotkeys, like our inner weakness, are closely linked to the feelings that are most anxious about us: fear, responsibility, guilt. As soon as you press these hotkeys, the behavioral pattern of emotional blackmail (request, resistance, stress, threat, yield, repetition) runs automatically. Therefore, by cutting off the hotkey, it is possible to prevent the pattern of emotional blackmail from being repeated.