I actually know very well that "to satisfy everyone" is an extremely unreasonable belief, but I still can't help but fall into this terrible trap, but I don't know.
So, there are many such experiences in my life: I like to play guitar, but I hate to play on the stage; I love writing, but I am not good at writing public numbers. Many people look. Those skills that I could have been proud of were carefully hidden by me, for fear of being seen.
01 "The cage of expectations": a lovely curse
Behind the fear of being seen, it is the incompetence of accepting negative comments from others.
I always want to be a "cute" person - the cuteness here refers to the expectations of society for us. And my endorsed expectation is " Don't give trouble to others ."
This belief makes me afraid to blame others, and I am afraid of being accused by others. Once I am accused, I will immediately attribute myself: This is my fault, I am troublesome to others.
My mother told me from an early age to protect myself, not to cause trouble, and not to trouble others. But my mom didn't tell me, don't bother others. What does it mean?
Is someone referring to everyone or some people? I have been tempted to talk about a star smoking in public, but I am worried that someone will accuse me of fueling the fire and will cause trouble to the star; but from another angle, I may be accused of encouraging smoking and giving Some people have trouble.
When everyone is paying attention to how to find a clever way to write a good article, I am struggling to avoid the disappointment of anyone.
02 Where do we get recognition?
Why is this so?
The theory of compensation says that if we don't get enough recognition in our childhood, when we grow up, we may pursue other people's approval through various channels, sometimes even unscrupulously.
Psychologist Carl Rogers has divided the "evaluation source" into two types, internal and external. If you often evaluate your actions, work, achievements, and behaviors by yourself, you are using the internal evaluation source; conversely, if you use other people's opinions to evaluate your performance, then you are using the external evaluation source. If you are given a "cute curse" and become a person who is afraid of disappointment, then your external evaluation source will be much stronger than the internal evaluation source. You may have a hard time judging whether you are doing something right because you have already given the right to judge others.
03 Possible changes
I usually feel that I am drowning in the expectations of others, and I don't know at all, I should survive in the right way.
In fact, even when I think about "changing", I feel scared.
I am afraid to refuse a friend's request, afraid to let others down, and afraid of disappointment. I am used to meeting the expectations of others, but at a certain moment, I feel that I am being dragged down.
But I also know that in order to make your life more comfortable, you have to change - although the change is not simple, it is not a one-night event. Family therapist Harriet Lerner once said that if you try and change too fast, people around you will ask you to change back, and eventually, this kind of attempt will become a process of self-destruction. In order to make ourselves face the evaluation is not so weak, we have to understand:
1. You have the right to let others down
Psychologically speaking, those who are extremely conceited or overly modest are behind the performance of excessive narcissism. That is, you can only see yourself, and think that you are too important, important to deprive others of their right to disappoint, and to see the needs and uniqueness of others. A healthy level of narcissism means that you can see yourself and see others; allow yourself to like yourself, and allow yourself to hate yourself; be able to respect your own needs and respect the needs of others; have the right to let others Satisfied, but also have the right to let others down.
2. You don't have to be completely responsible for the emotions of others.
The reason why we don't want to let others down is because we know what it feels like to be disappointed, so we feel very guilty and feel that it is our responsibility to hurt others. In fact, when a person is disappointed by the evaluation of you, to a large extent, it is the emotion they want to deal with, not your responsibility, you do not need to be completely responsible for the emotions of others.
3. It is a very important thing to have a position.
For a while, I was afraid to express my position, because once the position is clear, it means that there are slots to spit. But my friend persuaded me. He said: If you have a clear position, someone will hate you, but there will be someone who likes you. But if you don't have a position, no one will marry you, and no one will like you.