Here are the key points! How to cultivate a sense of security between lovers?
I prefer to use "to foster the sense of security of both lovers" rather than "the one gives the other party a sense of security." A safe relationship is not only the responsibility of one of the parties, but both parties must make corresponding efforts and efforts.
1. Understand the type of attachment relationship and common coping styles
We can only love ourselves if we understand ourselves first.
Knowing yourself is a crucial step. When we see what type of attachment we have, how it forms and influences us, and what common responses we use, we can make it more targeted. change.
There is a small way to help make the combing better:
Divide a piece of paper into two, and list some scenes that are easy to trigger attachment patterns on the left side (for example, lovers are busy with work, have no time to respond to your message, or separated from lovers for a long time), and their emotions in these scenes, Thoughts and behaviors. Then on the right side, list the results that you think are the best and most beneficial to the relationship between the two. Then ask yourself, if you follow the idea on the left, can you really get the result on the right?
If we can see what we really want to express emotions and reactions such as anxiety, anger, accusation, attack, escape, alienation, etc. , we can express the real needs more directly, which is far better than turning around. The expression of layers of disguise.
When I was with my girlfriend, she was very concerned about my "predecessor" and often said "Do you still like XXX", "Why don't you go back to find XXX?"
I also feel a little annoyed about this. I don't understand why I always keep on the past and sometimes I have a quarrel.
Until a certain time to talk about related things, she told me "I am sorry that I am anxious, I don't want to look like this, but I will care."
At this time, I deeply felt the fear and helplessness hidden behind her aggressive words. She values the relationship between us and wants nothing but my support and companionship.
After seeing this, I can treat her anxiety more patiently, and she will feel more secure than before.
2. Understand each other's attachment relationship types and common coping styles
It is also essential to know our lover by knowing ourselves and knowing each other.
When we have a good understanding of the type of attachment of lovers, we can know some common ways of coping with each other, and we can better open the fog to see the real needs behind this.
Sometimes we know that many of our actions are not directed at ourselves, but instinctive reactions that are influenced by past experience, which is enough to make us feel at ease.
This process can also be assisted by a piece of paper. Write the situation on the left side of the paper and the response behavior of the other party. Write the other party's needs you understand on the right side, and then ask yourself if you still have these needs. So strong emotional reaction?
When you see your lover behind the so-called "making", "noisy", "death-calling", it is actually his/her strong desire to gain your concern and support, you will not feel that the other is In the unreasonable trouble, it is possible to make a more positive response, break the original negative cycle, and make the relationship between the two parties more and more secure.
3. Communicate and discuss
Lovers are not enemies. They are comrades who fight side by side. Establishing a safe relationship is the common goal. Communication between lovers is very necessary. Here are some questions for discussion (using A and B for both lovers ):
- ☆ In what kind of situation will you feel insecure?
- ☆ What will I do at this time?
- ☆ What is the goal of A doing this? What kind of results do you hope to get?
- ☆ Does A achieve the desired result? What does reality look like?
- ☆ What is the demand that A really wants to express?
- ☆ Is such a demand seen by B to be understood?
- ☆ If not, what does B see? What is the difference between A and A?
- ☆ What kind of response did B make?
- ☆ B. What kind of goal is this response to?
- ☆ Have you achieved the goal that B wants to achieve?
- ☆ What is the demand that B wants to pass?
- ☆ Is the demand of B understood by A?
- ☆ What does A see? What kind of response will you make?
- Use these questions to help find the negative cycle in the relationship, and then try to make changes with the following questions:
- ☆ What misunderstandings exist on both sides?
- ☆ What factors in the past interaction are hindering the two sides to try new methods?
- ☆ What can I do to make things different?
Every time you know a little about these issues, you will add one more point to each other's trust, and your sense of security will become stronger and stronger.
Developing a sense of security is a long-term process, and you don't have to worry too much.