Love can be said to be one of the most beautiful things in the world. Whenever you think of the sweet bitterness between you and your lover, you will feel sweet in your heart.
But not all of love is a beautiful scene. There is often a little monster called "security" jumping out of trouble. If it is not satisfied, it will jump up and down, and both sides will not be peaceful.
Such conversations seem to appear in the daily communication of many lovers. One of them has a grievance, and he just wants a sense of security, but the other party can't always understand him; the other side is incomprehensible, and he doesn't understand how this invisible sense of security can be given to the other party.
What is the sense of security?
Each of us is born with the need to be understood, supported, loved, and accepted. When these needs can be met, it will give us a feeling of peace, so that we can explore bravely. And adventure. These satisfied needs are the foundation of our sense of security.
Although the sense of security is a necessity for everyone, why do some people feel full of security and can confidently and optimistically respond to events in life; while others are often caught in fear and anxiety?
These different coping styles are rooted in the attachment relationships that we have formed since the very beginning and have continued.
Attachment is a special emotional connection between us and the main caregiver. It comes from the survival instinct that survives in the long evolutionary process as a mammal: our human ancestors have to deal with a large number of death threats in the natural environment, and in the case of crisis can maintain the limbs of the main caregiver Being close to you can greatly improve your chances of survival.
Some people may have questions, will attachments cause dependence? Will it keep the child sticking to his parents and it is difficult to be independent?
In fact, attachment and dependence are completely different. It can even be said that a secure attachment relationship will make us less dependent.
The purpose of attachment is that when we are cared for and protected by the primary caregiver, we can effectively reduce the degree of emotional volatility and revert to a state of self-confidence to continue the exploration of the outside world.
For example, when a child cries because of a fall, if he can get a timely relief from his mother, he will soon stop his tears and start to play again, and will not be wrapped around his mother.
In the 1970s, scientists discovered four types of attachment relationships based on "unfamiliar situational experiments": safety, anxiety, avoidance, and confusion.
- Safe children get a gentle, coherent and responsive response from their parents, making them confident and curious;
- Anxious children have poor continuity of parental responses, sometimes responsive and sometimes not, which will lead them to form “I only have to perform well enough to be satisfied”, which often makes them feel uneasy and anxious. And more emotional;
- The parents of avoiding children are often alienated and indifferent or harsh and critical. Children will think that no one can satisfy their own needs, they can only satisfy themselves, and they are emotionally closed as parents.
- A chaotic child shows unpredictable characteristics.
The relationship between attachment type and security in love
Studies have shown that the type of attachment relationship formed in childhood is associated with lifelong, and it has a crucial impact on our behavior, interpersonal relationships, and intimate relationships. We often instinctively react to the type of attachment we are under pressure.
The following table can reflect the different responses of people with different attachment types in the same situation.
It can be seen that both anxious and avoidant people are full of insecurities. The difference between the two is that anxiety type will desperately seek security and expect itself to be satisfied.
A big misconception about anxiety is that they are always aggressive and aggressive, but in reality, they are only asking for help in this way; the avoidance type will fundamentally believe that their needs cannot be met by others, only I can give myself a sense of security.
The combination of anxiety and avoidance is terrible but very common, often in a vicious circle of chasing-escape-chasing tighter--to escape further.