- Today we live in a world where you constantly try to look perfect. Just take a tour on Instagram: everyone looks happy, rich, with a fit body, with successful relationships.
- You and I know very well that this is not the case. The gap between the perceived and the reality is very marked.
- Recently, however, even in the comments on my Facebook page, I'm noticing a new kind of statement between self-pitying and fake secure-arrogant. Like: "everything goes wrong, I failed, I know I'm wrong but I'm made so leave me alone".
- That's it. "That's who I am." Behind this expression, it may seem that there is an acceptance of oneself while in 99% of cases there is a clear renunciation of improvement and personal growth. Guess how this affects your relationships?
- Now, I can agree that the fact of openly declaring one's faults or failures can be positive. It's a way to become aware of where you are. Just as it is good to have a clear understanding of your personal characteristics, your desires and the standards you should not give up.
- But that doesn't mean that you can - or should - aspire to something better. In fact, this thought that you should unconditionally accept all of your partner's faults is something completely misleading for a successful relationship life. Behind the phrase "I am made that way" (and it clearly applies to man as well) implicitly hides the concept: no matter how insecure, jealous, box-breaking, scary, moody, disorderly, unreliable I am, if you want me you have to accept me like that. Well, this is the death of any relationship, whether it has just begun or lasted for years. If you base your behavior on this thought, you are preparing yourself for continuous conflicts or breakdowns.
- Every human being is full of flaws, deriving from genetics, from problems during childhood, from the absence of tools of emotional management. But as always you have a choice in front of you. You can decide to believe that these defects are part of you and cannot be changed even if they limit your relationship life. Or you can understand how to correct them, fight them so as to improve yourself and break down the obstacles that you yourself build for the achievement of your goals.
Do you prefer that your faults define who you are or do you want to be the one to decide in which direction to go?
That's the question you have to ask yourself.
- If you repeat "I am like that", you are not accepting yourself, you are limiting yourself. But beware: the opposite of "I am like that" is never "I change on the basis of external validation or how others want me to be". Not at all. It is instead "I am like that today but to achieve my goals and a life of relationship of which I am fully satisfied I must improve this, this and this". Do you understand?
- If you enter into this perspective, which is the right one, there is, however, a trap to which you must be careful: to demand perfection, both in yourself and in the men who are close to you. If you wait to be perfect or for others to be perfect before you commit seriously or invest in a relationship, you will always be disappointed. Perfection in the human being does not exist, it is just a utopia created in fairy tales to simplify reality.
Damn it, so it's complicated! Yes, it is.
- In fact, you have to find the right balance between accepting yourself, change and continuous improvement and the awareness that you can aspire to perfection but not achieve it.
- So, if today you are single or you are in a relationship that does not work and at the base of your thought, there is "I am made like that" is time to understand that it is right there the problem of departure. To believe that someone has to accept all your defects - which first of all damage you and then consequently your relationships - is completely wrong. You can't use your man as a washing machine for your problems or as an outlet valve for your worst version.
So I want to give you a little simple practical advice to start thinking and acting differently.
Make a list of your defects (at least 10)
Emphasize those that in the past or present have been cause of conflict in your relationships.
Choose the 3 "worst" and set yourself the goal of working concretely with them in the next 3-6 months.
- It may seem little, but if you can correct or improve even just 3 aspects of your personality or character that have been or are currently harmful to your relationship life, you will already get a really big change and you will surely reap the benefits.