At the age of 30, I decided to give up reading the Talmudic books on the topic of "how to find my vocation", wrote off all the inspiring blogs, threw away all the bloody hopes of "making a couple of million a month", by the way, the idea of being a popular blogger who saves the planet, too, ruthlessly burned. Hence the silence in all social networks and blogs. But today I want without excuses.
I took a piece of paper and honestly, without falsehood, flattery, words of others, thoughts of others (people), without fear of the future wrote things that I like to do. I wrote everything I could think of. The start was stupid. No. Absolutely stupid...
"I love sleeping. It's crossed out. "I like to sleep tight all night and sometimes during the day. The voices of the loved ones came to mind: "You're the one who knows how!", "yeah, your will, you'd have slept through life".
"I like to help people. The inner bastard didn't stop talking, remembering my failures, the use of other people and my kindness. But I didn't give up. I kept writing...
Initially, there were such mediocre activities in my head, suffocating the feeling that I was actually a worthless person. But then among the items "I like to eat fruit", "I skillfully choose the most delicious pears"... I came across a voice from the inside. He whispered that I saw people beautiful, even where they didn't see themselves. And I don't see myself. But that doesn't stop me from taking pictures and often seeing strangers. Many people think I'm crazy, staring at them. And at the same time, I'm staring at thin lines of my face, wonderful features... I mentally turn on the wind, clean up the sun and remember a person with a frame. I often admire the composition of films. And always with great pleasure I consider boring profiles of the portfolio of photographers.
In my thirty years, which I was afraid of, wildly did not accept, wildly condemned, I opened an inner sip of courage in front of me, confessed to myself that I really love. I signed up for Photo School.
No, no, I'm not talented. My work doesn't buy magazines and people don't queue up for me to shoot. No. And it's been six months now. It's time, man!
I'm just being honest with myself. In front of people. I have a whole carload and a small trolley of fears and anxieties on the photographer's way. But you know, I've never been happier in my life in the business I do. I run to retouch whenever I can.
My anguish over the search for my color still continues. And the speed of retouching wants to speed up.
But right now, I know I'm where I feel good. And no, it doesn't bring any money at all. All losses. What to do with it I do not know yet.
This is the kind of internal volcano that blew up my age. Instead of continuing to count the wrinkles that were coming in, it wasn't easy for me to learn. And grow. Shame on my own convictions and judgments. So if you've heard from me that "thirty years is a long time and a terrible time" I'm sorry. I was a fool. Small and stupid.
15-25-30-45-55-65 and even 90 are just figures in the passport that remind us of the chaotic pain in the ribs in different years.
But intellectual maturity. My condition "ran into" much more interesting and important for me at this moment.
Therefore, if you are lost, you do not know where to wrap up and where to enter the alley of fame, I advise you to pour a cup of tea, put a chair, put a table, take a white sheet and start writing about yourself, for yourself, in the name of yourself.
Believe me, each of us can be happy in our own business. And not necessarily earning money from it. And the competition? Competition is everywhere. And we need it. Otherwise, how to grow!
The question is different. You can apply persistence and achieve your goal, regardless of the opinion of society and your own We are increasingly running for the truth. The popularization of "reality" is gaining momentum in social networks. But suddenly I stopped focusing on the Internet world. Painlessly, easily and simply gone into reality. Less likes, secrets, scandals of intrigue. More acquaintances with oneself. And with its negative side too.
But I do not plan to stay at this discovery. Why? Each of us makes a choice: to make himself unhappy or strong.
I am closer to the second. And let me worry, also, by the way, mega sensationalized in the world of bytes, emotional burnout, I hold on. I lift myself off my knees, clinginging to my thoughts. And I even like it. I guess I should have fallen so deeply into sadness to change the circle of my life. To begin to strive to go beyond your own boundaries. Make honest decisions, not be right for everyone.
Looking forward to your interest, I will dot the l's. No, I don't drink antidepressants. My diagnosis is made by myself on the basis of two articles. I will give references to them at the end of the text. I do not plan and do not want to throw our son out the window. But! Tangibly acutely began to react to his tricks, which for me is savagery. The peak has already passed.fears. Or will you still just keep dreaming?