1. The teenager has a conflict between the existing dependence on the family and the desire for autonomy. His expectations of his parents are contradictory. On the one hand, he resists previous manifestations of care and affection, but on the other hand, he shows a desire to be spoiled. His behavior is also contradictory. Then he is rude, stubborn and disobedient, then requires attention, fondles with his mother, childishly capricious, crying; then he watches children's cartoons, then expresses deep, serious judgments on various issues. Any tightening of requirements and prohibitions cause emotional explosions. Attempts to "let go of the reins" cause reproaches of indifference.
Stage 2. The teenager is increasingly trying to prove to parents and themselves their independence. He criticizes everything that is done and said by parents and other influential adults. The more parents try to "influence" their child, the more he resists it. This period will last as long as the parents do not recognize the fact that the teenager is growing up.
Stage 3. When a teenager feels that his or her parents have recognized his or her right to independent judgment, decisions and actions, and begins to feel free space around him or her, he or she may experience loneliness instead of the joy of freedom, fear of losing his or her parents' love, a sense of guilt in front of him or her, and a sense of irritation and even anger, followed by oppression and depression. This stage is easier if parents are happy and proud of the achievements of an adult child and support him/her in difficult times.
Stage 4. Gradually, violent emotional manifestations retreat, and the teenager changes his attitude to his parents (of course, if the parents' behavior does not slow down the process of maturation). He already feels enough internal isolation and now considers the parent's family a little from the outside. If the parents help him in this, he establishes a close relationship with the family at a new, partner level. At the same time, he rethinks the parents' lives, their mistakes, and their achievements. Sometimes he tries to help them by sharing his new experience and understanding of life, playing the role of a family therapist, often "moving" to the tone of a "life teacher". Further maturation leads to abandonment of this role and is replaced by respect and gratitude to parents with a simultaneous feeling of being older, stronger and more adapted to modern life than they are.
The constructive process of separation of a teenager from his or her parent family can be hindered by two reasons:
1) the teenager's unpreparedness for independent life (social immaturity and unsuccessful solution of the basic age tasks of self-determination);
2) parents' unwillingness to let the teenager go into independent adult life. Most often it happens if the child is the only one and if the family cannot keep its integrity by letting the young person go, i.e. if the teenager and his or her problems were the only thing that kept the family members together and gave meaning to its existence.
Sometimes, the process of growing up is hindered by parents who consider the upbringing of their children to be the meaning of their lives and who anticipate the experience of "empty nest syndrome" in advance.
So, let's sum up: the teenager faces several difficult tasks, on the successful solution of which depends on his entire subsequent life. In turn, the successful solution of these problems depends on the fact
- How mature his parents and other important adults are;
- What is the environment of the peers he particularly values?
- How timely and effective the assistance he receives in solving his age tasks is.
These tasks and their components are topics for constant discussion with teenagers, for training, talk shows, social and role-playing games, etc. No matter how many such events we hold, they will never cease to be relevant. The main thing is that these activities should be carried out beautifully, professionally, with creative inspiration, with great respect for the abilities of teenagers, their age and personal characteristics... and in different ways, because teenagers do not like monotony and constantly want to satisfy their need for novelty.
Teenager more or less successfully solves age problems, regardless of whether he knows about their existence or not. However, the above list clearly shows that these are difficult tasks, and a teenager needs competent help from adults. By "literate" we mean not only knowledge of these tasks and peculiarities of adolescence, but also the ability to assist with warmth and patience in an acceptable and interesting form for teenagers.
