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What are the consequences of this kind of domestication with good for love?
First, excellence becomes a kind of self-forcing. From the psychoanalytic school, the way we interact with our parents in the early years will be internalized into our future personality.
That always reminds our excellent parents that they will turn into our inner voice. Appear in many scenes to remind, spur, and judge us.
A reader gave us a message: Once she accidentally messed up a small thing at home. Husband and children did not blame her, but she was especially guilty at the moment: How can I make such a low-level mistake; how can I be useless, this little thing can't be done well; how can I always do this... .. When she calmed down, she realized: The original accusation of blame is the voice of a mother when she was a child.
The same tone, the same fierce. This sound will appear every time you mess up, relax, and be happy. Criticize her and make her feel bad. She urged her to let her not dare to relax... Excellent, not a spontaneous pursuit. It has become a defense against criticism, and a habitual self-persecution.
Second, we believe that the true self is flawed and corrects its own fault.
Said to return to the visitor of Teacher Zeng Qifeng. She believes that the true self is 90 points. Under the guidance of the parents' long-term "not good enough", even if she is doing well, she can only give herself 90 points.
But Zeng said that he is not willing to give her 90 points. If so, he becomes the same person as her parents. Then, in the future, she will continue to live with the disgust of 10% of her shortcomings, affecting her enjoyment of her own pleasure: I have a good grade, but my emotional intelligence is not high; I am very careful, but I have no big picture; I have done a good job this time, but I am not so good every time... The "but" of 10 points will always follow the self-satisfaction. It makes us unable to be satisfied with ourselves for the rest of our lives.
Third, they will use utilitarianism to judge others, even their closest relatives.
It is normal to evaluate a person based on his or her level of excellence. But in everyday communication and all kinds of feelings, it is the killer of relationships. Because, every living person, not only has one excellent dimension. When we use excellent self-requirements, we also use utilitarianism to evaluate others and habitually filter non-excellent qualities.
The incompetence of picking up a lover, condemning the child's mistakes and mistakes, privately mocking the shortcomings of friends. I can't see their other flashes, I can't see their love and pay. Under this utilitarian aesthetic, it is difficult for us to be satisfied with the people around us.
Because as long as they are familiar people, they will expose areas that are not good. This kind of exposure was originally the result of their trust in us, but it became the source of our picky and neglected.
Finally, it is a desperate self-abandonment, and a fear of incompetence. What do we do when we can't do it all the time?
At this time, depression and decadence will be born. Because no matter how you do it, you can't get stable love and warmth. At this time, pleasing and humble will occur. Because others are very good, so go for compliments.
At this time, emotional control will occur. Because other than that, I don't know what to do to keep my love. This happens more often in older parents. They need to manipulate public opinion, ask their children to be filial, and if their children are not as good as they want, they will be filthy. They are afraid that they are old and incompetent, they will be abandoned and treated with indifference. Just like they used to treat bad children. This toss are essentially a deep fear of being abandoned.
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Someone may ask: I am used to seeing myself and others in this way. Or, don’t force yourself/children to be good, and let’s take it easy.
A more realistic solution is to use a richer aesthetic to inspire us to live healthier lives.
Teacher Zeng Qifeng later said that he had "scoring" the visitors. He said that 100 points is the perfect score. The visitor was happy for a moment, then quickly settled, saying: If 90 points, I will be happier, because that is true. Teacher Zeng disagreed and said that the paragraph was very healing: "I will give you 100 points, which is also true.
Because I am looking at you as a complete person. I didn't divide you into a good one and a bad one, but I saw you as a perfect product made by God. Even if you are a disabled person, I will not give you a credit for your disability. Because that is also part of your complete person, but that part is weakened from a utilitarian point of view. ”
After listening to this passage, I have a warmth in my heart: Everyone is a complete individual. The sleek part has a harmonious beauty, and the incomplete gully also has the power of beauty and sadness. It deserves to be seen and appreciated as a special piece of art.
Only with such an aesthetic can we avoid tying ourselves and others to the "excellent" scale and turning it into a point.
Rather, it can maintain respect for the complete individual and replace it with appreciation: the depressed person has sensitive and delicate charm; the rational restrained person has logical sex; the introverted person has calm and contemplative stability. ..... And, in such an aesthetic, we will know how to appreciate and love ourselves, and go to a better and better direction spontaneously.
Because excellence is not the cause of being loved, it is the result of being loved. There is only one real excellent motivation: in being loved and appreciated, I feel my special and precious, and work hard from the bottom of my heart.
Like a paragraph in the super-healing high-scoring variety "Powder Rescue": I want to get up early, not because I can't sleep all night. But I really want to.
I want to live well every day. Because the real me is worthy of being loved and very good: I am brave in pursuing and enjoying all good things, because I am worth it; I want to make myself better and better, because I am worth it; I will not Too decadent and self-abandonment, because I am reluctant to let such a good self become so addicted. These are the real healthy motivations for a person to become excellent.
