I have been in the psychological industry for a long time. The more books I read and the stories I hear, the more I discover them.
The original sin of many inner problems is a strict self-requirement of paranoia:
Be good, be good, don't make mistakes.....
In order to meet these requirements, some people are paranoid, some are depressed, and some are divided.
So I often encourage everyone to relax in the article:
Not good / not good / wrong, it doesn't matter.
But many friends read it, very confused:
Obviously there is a relationship.
I am not good, how can I eat in the social competition?
I am not good, how can parents and teachers know me?
I am not good, can't get a good school or company?
I am not good, how can I attract the other half?
These confusions are very reasonable.
Even if it is too good, it is unhealthy.
But it is only better to be able to adapt to life and get more love and recognition.
Self-persecution of excellent vs healthy self-acceptance seems to form an irreconcilable contradiction.
Therefore, I think it is necessary to write an article for clarification.
Pursuing excellence does not necessarily bring about inner problems. Our true inner conflict is derived from a utilitarian aesthetic that has been rooted in the roots:
How much love, appreciation and recognition a person can get depends on how good he is.
You are good, I am close to you, otherwise I will leave you alone;
If you are good, I will recognize you, otherwise I will belittle you.
The degree of excellence defines our value and the way we treat each other.
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It is undeniable that this critical criterion is truly visible in society.
In social competition, excellence is indeed very important.
The disadvantages of not being good are everywhere:
If you are not good, you will not be able to get a higher salary;
If the score is low, you will not be able to enter the prestigious schools where the school is intensive;
If you drag your legs, you can only be criticized by colleagues...
If I am not good, I will worry:
Will others not like me?
Will others not be attracted to me;
Will others think that I am useless....
Only when I am good, everything will be fine.
To a certain extent, these competitive rules effectively motivate the hard-working people and maintain the fairness of everyone's efforts and gains.
The real problem is that
Under the influence of the social environment, we regard excellence as the most important amulet and habitually use it to define human values. And bring the utilitarian aesthetic of this society back home.
But I don't know how much it will bring if we put the rules of social competition into our personal life and emotions.
Many parents, in order to make children more comfortable with the society, and to make themselves a good parent, have a more face-to-face position in others, and use all kinds of ways to make children excellent.
Thus, in the family that is most able to gain love and security, cruelest law of survival of the fittest is used:
Prefer a child with good grades and give him more care;
Tested the whole family happy and rewarded the children;
The test is not good, this family atmosphere is frustrated and so on...
This will make us feel desperate when we are young:
I will not be loved for no reason. Unless it becomes excellent.
This experience will be verified and strengthened in future schools and society.
Excellent, turned into a weapon and defense for walking alone.
But it also gave people a big gap in their hearts:
I don't deserve to be true, only love is good. Therefore, we must continue to force ourselves to be excellent, so that we can not be so wary.
This has become an important source of modern human inner conflict.
