Often teenagers, having finally won their rights from their parents, leave on their shoulders all the responsibility for their actions. For example, having missed a lot of classes and faced the threat of being expelled, they demand that their parents "settle the matter"; have a drink with their buddies and give their parents the opportunity to clean their clothes; do not care about the cleanliness of their clothes during the day, and demand a clean shirt and trousers. The list can be endless. One of my acquaintances is a little rude, but he said: "I left my ass and left it".
But the main thing is that parents themselves stimulate such a, let's just say, very unpresentable situation by the fact that they are willing to "cleanse" the results of their child's life, without even noticing that they tighten the noose around their necks, breaking the eternal balance: or obedience, but also irresponsibility, or freedom, but also full responsibility for their actions.
It is much easier to deal with the complex question of the measure of freedom and the corresponding measure of responsibility, which you will courageously remove from your shoulders and shift to the "fragile" shoulders of your child, in theory than in practice. Just imagine that a son or daughter, despite your demands, does not wash dishes, does not clean the bed, continues to play music loudly. What to do?
First of all, you need to have a clear idea of why you have to make certain requirements for a teenager, that is, what you have when he meets them, and how you want to compensate for it if he does not meet the requirements. For example, if his company's devastating raids undermine your budget, you can compensate him by denying him some purchase or pocket money, and for extra-curricular cleaning of the apartment instead of resting from cooking dinner or washing his clothes, using this time to rest. In any case, you should have a good idea of how you will gradually (!) step by step allow your child to be independent and defend their lives.
The transition from fighting for freedom to taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions is very painful for the teenager. The sacramental phrase "Nobody asked me to give birth to you, but she gave birth to me means she should..." is known to almost every mother. To accustom the young person to the idea of the absence of "cover" can only be a firmness, patience and at the cost of a fairly large number of negotiations in which you have to, despite the aggressive attacks of the teenager, calmly and consistently adhere to the chosen position, while not excluding the possibility of a reasonable compromise.
In general, we still have little culture of real negotiations. It's a pity, because, no matter how dry it sounds, it is with the help of a well-constructed conversation that we can resolve many conflicts without insults, humiliation and to mutual satisfaction.
To conduct negotiations correctly, it is necessary to remember a few rules.
1. Both sides are equal in negotiations. This means that, despite their age, none of the interlocutors takes a position "from above" or subordinate position, and no one uses force and power.
2. Negotiations should not be forced. Having chosen a suitable moment when the teenager is in a friendly mood, convince him or her that the conversation is necessary for both and that he or she is not expecting another lecture, but a mutual discussion of your needs.
3. In negotiations, it is necessary to exclude the so-called saboteurs of communication - threats, criticism, offensive nicknames, interruptions, orders, shouting, contemptuous intonations. Imagine yourself as a teenager and see what kind of words could make you feel good about yourself. In any case, it is better to say, for example, "you throw your dirty shoes in the middle of the room every day" than "you're a terrible slob! Try to avoid generalizations. Words like "you always...", "you never..." make you defend yourself.
4. It is necessary to choose a time for negotiations when nobody is in a hurry and both interlocutors are not too tired. There should be enough time. It is better to agree at once on how much time you will need to discuss the issue.
5. Your conversation should not be based on the principle of "who can", but on the assumption that "everyone can win". The main thing that you want to achieve is a good relationship and a balanced coexistence.
6. Before starting the negotiations, it is necessary to agree that even if it will be difficult to maintain the business tone and the emotions will be strong, none of you will interrupt the conversation before the set time.
7. All participants should familiarize themselves with these rules and agree to abide by them. Otherwise, you risk getting another scandal, not a solution.
The best way to start a conversation is to describe what is going on, from your point of view, and how it affects your life. Then move on to what you would like to see instead. Finally, say you are ready to listen to your son (daughter) and discuss his suggestions.
