I met my husband at the café. He sat down to me, started pouring his soul out: the work is hard, there is not enough time for personal life. As a child, his father left the family and his mother started taking men to her home. He himself, when he grew up, met with women only for the sake of sex.
His words touched me. I guess I felt sorry for him then. They started dating. He was drinking all the time, having affairs on the side. When I couldn't stand it, I threw myself on my knees, blocked the door, begged him not to leave. I stayed. I don't know why - maybe out of pity after the story he told. I thought we could live together and he would settle down. But then everything went back to normal.
This is a real story, and there are many of them - on forums, in the lives of friends and family, even in their own lives. Indulgent behavior can manifest itself in many different forms.
The daughter secretly brings her father a flask of alcohol to the hospital, although doctors have strictly forbidden him to drink.
Parents constantly lend money to their adult son, pay his bills and buy food.
The wife forgives and justifies her husband, who raises her hand and humiliates her.
The family protects and relieves a "non-welcome" relative, who constantly has problems with the law.
Indulgence does not arise from nothing. The "nourishing environment" is often a co-dependent relationship. Dependency is easy to recognize - there is no equality in it, and each of the "partners" (in fact, there is no partnership here) accepts this state of affairs. One behaves passively, infantile, recklessly. The other closes his eyes to his shortcomings and the harm he inflicts on himself and others, and acts as a deliverer. "He breaks it - I fix it" - this phrase from the movie "Pokrovskie Vorota" quite accurately describes the distribution of roles in the co-dependent couple.
The deliverer can complain about his "fate", be angry at his dependent partner, demonstratively break off the relationship with him - but do not change anything. He justifies his efforts with duty ("this is my cross, and I have to carry it", "this is my destiny"), pity ("what to do if he goes missing without me"), love ("that's what I fell in love with him, and all here"). Many rescuers see in their actions a shade of high purpose: "I save a man from falling, I keep him alone/one afloat.
THE REASONS WHY WE INDULGE
- anxiety for a loved one: we feel their suffering and want to alleviate it.
- Fear that a loved one might be in trouble.
- Fear of conflict.
- Failure to set boundaries.
- Fear that a loved one will leave, decide to take revenge, destroy our lives.
Indulgence is like trying to win the dragon over by regularly feeding him sheep. Maybe the dragon will eat up and fly away sometime, but it won't be long. And so, at least the village will be intact. However, from time to time the monster breaks the contract (three sheep a week), sets fires just to have fun. But the villagers are afraid to fight back, because then their fragile, but with such difficulty achieved security will be destroyed.
The deliverer also chooses to continue his suffering, because he is in the illusion that he is in control of the situation. Illusions - because concessions will not keep the dependent person from new "exploits". On the contrary, feeling the reliable rear in the face of the deliverer, he will continue to poison the life of himself and others. Indulgence is first of all a problem of the savior, which he often does not realize. This is where the path to a sober view of the situation begins, which may have a positive ending.
1. be aware of your limits
We can't change another person. To inspire, to show him the way to change, to offer his help - yes. But not to take control of his life. In case of indulgence we do not control anything - we only eliminate the consequences of destruction caused by man.
2 Separate yourself from another person
The deliverer will sigh, but "pull his strap" and "drag his cross" to the end. It seems to him that it is necessary to leave his ward for a second, and the latter will get even deeper into trouble. Then you will have to make even more efforts to rescue him.
This reasoning implies that we are fully responsible for the actions of another person. But he is not a puppet, and we are not puppeteers. His decisions belong only to him. By acknowledging this, we do not become selfish. We only recognize the natural boundaries between ourselves and others: I am me and you are you.
3. End your self-deception
It would have been more appropriate to say, with the denial of the obvious. When we indulge a person in his or her addiction or encourage his or her defiant behavior, we assure ourselves that all this is for his or her own good. But in reality, it is our participation that allows him to do nothing, not to be aware of his problems and not to try to solve them.
Empathy makes us choose the fastest and easiest way to alleviate the suffering of others
He may need qualified help (doctor, psychotherapist). But the deliverer, with his "care", drops out this awareness, gives false hope: it is possible to live as before, and everything will be fine.
4. Muffle empathy
Compassion is a great feeling, but in the case of co-dependent relationships, it can be an insidious burden that pulls us down. Conscience convinces: "You can't leave a man alone with his weaknesses", "he's your enemy, and you leave him alone in the fight against this enemy.
The problem is that empathy makes us choose the fastest and easiest way to alleviate the suffering of another. We see an alcoholic relative suffering and buy him a drink. We are melting away from the tenderness of a partner who was throwing his fists at us yesterday. But all these situations are just part of a repetitive scenario.
If we stop giving in to manipulation, we don't get "bad" - we're looking for a more constructive way to deal with the problem.
5. Think about what makes you indulge
Maybe your indulgent behavior is the result of your own insecurity, anxiety, guilt? This is one of the reasons why the deliverer, even trying to get out of this role, often returns to the same point: his self-esteem drops, his anxiety increases, and the shame and guilt make life unbearable.
To avoid this, it is worth seeking advice from a psychotherapist. There are special techniques that help to realize the true causes of anxiety and remove it, to bring self-esteem out of the attack.
The main thing: until you work out the motives of your behavior, you will return again and again to the barren hopes of changing the other person by indulging. The dragon cannot be driven away by sacrificing it. All you can do is drive him out or find a safer place to live.
If your loved one is dear to you, do not indulge him in his weaknesses. Offer him help, suggest a plan to help him deal with the problem. If he or she agrees to your terms, take action.