Hardness, consistency and unattachedness. These are the most important thing for a woman.
When my future husband began to look after me, my heart was closed. After four years, it would have been strange if it hadn't closed. For everyone in principle. Yes, I was taking it all, but my heart was locked. I didn't try on his last name, didn't make plans about him, I didn't have time for that at all. But he was persistent. Cafes, flowers, candy, kefir and cookies, signs of attention...
The moment I realized where it was going, I decided to stop all this by saying a simple phrase. That seems to be how they scare the grooms away.
"If you want to play and hang out so easily, let's end it right now, I don't need it anymore, I'm done."
I said it calmly. Assuming that he would go straight to the bottom of the line. And it was okay for me not to be tied to him, you know? Yeah, his courting was nice to me, and he was nice too. But he wasn't the bellybutton of my life without which I would die tomorrow. I knew I couldn't communicate with him, and the world wouldn't collapse, and I wouldn't suffer from it.
Except he reacted differently. For some reason, he proposed to me that very evening against all the laws of the genre. Marry him, become the mother of his children. We knew each other for 2 months at the time, we were just working together. And at that moment, our hearts opened a little bit. For him. Only then did I start falling in love with him a little bit. It could have been different if I'd just clung to him and wanted to marry only him!
Yes, we didn't rush to decide that the wedding itself would be in 9 months - and it was time for both preparation and reflection. As it was in the old days - first engagement, and then meet and talk for a year - and decide whether or not to be married. An engagement can be broken off if there are contradictions.
Now, looking back at the past, at all my previous dramas, I see that this is what I have always lacked in my relationship. Hardness, consistency, unattachedness. Because when I'm already attached, it's impossible to cut it off, to stop communicating - or to say a phrase that many men will react to in a different way than my husband. Just because they are not ready for this step.
It's a kind of test of intention and the first exam in a relationship. Because when he's already "the only one", you're ready to do anything for him - even though he hasn't done anything for you yet. And he won't do it anymore, because he doesn't have to do much. You are already conquered.
In all the previous stories I avoided direct situations of clarification of intention. Because I was afraid to lose. And it was possible to remain in illusion, just hinting and looking for signs. But today I understand that any relationship could have ended differently if it had the same unattachedness. But thank God I married Lesha! This is the best gift from heaven.
Four years earlier, I had been dating a man who had a second girlfriend along with me. I knew about it and tried my best to prove that I was better. I dreamed of getting married, waiting for a man to make a suggestion and confess, afraid to ask him about his feelings because you can lose it.
When I met my husband, everything started to fall apart. He came and went, he had a lot of his life, and who I was was wasn't clear. He didn't show up for four months, and when he was already a bride, he suddenly showed up. He called. And he started saying something joyfully again on the phone.
- Wait, - I said, and he was very surprised at the hardness. - Tell me the truth, do you love me?
In response, there was silence in the pipe, then some muttering. He was in shock. - ?
- Don't call me again, - I said. - I'm getting married. There's no more room for you in my life.
It was surprisingly easy for me. Because my affection had weakened. I saw a different attitude to myself. You can treat me differently! And it gave me the strength to see how I was used for four years. Yes, now I had the strength to see things as they were.
Two days later, he was standing under the windows with a bouquet and waiting for me after work. He apologized, said that he understood that he wanted to get married and was ready to take me to his place right now. And I didn't need all that anymore. Dude, you had four years to do that! I just looked at him and didn't realize what the hell you had to wait four years, choose, live a double life and get nervous for everybody to rush in today and suddenly decide?
Today I understand that the main secret was unboundness. As soon as it appears, it is possible to make the right decision and see everything as it is.
That's why girls who are unmarried are recommended to take courtship of all those who care for them. Accept and do not get attached before the time. Not to make a mistake and not to waste the best years of life.
Do not get attached, and therefore it is better not to sleep with the man, not to live together with him before the wedding and announcement of intentions, it would be better not to kiss - but it is unlikely that many under force in our century. Because the physical contact at once connects you. In your heart. And you cannot set the rules, the boundaries.
You say that you will leave, but you do not have the spirit to leave. Dial his number again, text him again... You drive him out - and then chase him and return again. And endlessly think about him. And in your heart is a wound.
Maybe he will not choose you and leave. Well, it's better now than after ten years of cohabitation, with two children and ruined nerves. It's a test of attitude, you know? A litmus test. But it works only when you're not tied up. Today I clearly understand this.
I'm for a girl not to do any deeds for a man before the offer, before the wedding, leaving this field for his exploits. For him to conquer, he showed himself. And she can save herself and accept. So that after the wedding she would have enough strength and inspiration for her daily deeds. Because all women's daily work - when he loves it - is a feat. A feat in the name of love.