We have a special bond with brothers and sisters, says Henry Abramovich. As a child, we often spend more time with them than with our parents, and our relationship with them usually lasts longer. In an era of divorce and alienation, sibling connections are often the only ones that are truly lasting.
The order of birth of children, their struggle for their place in the family system directly affects the formation of their personality. In this connection, the fundamental importance, although deep psychology for a long time underestimated it.
FROM LOVE TO HATRED
At the same time, sibling relations are very complex, very emotionally charged and contradictory. We will find here the whole palette of emotions from love to hatred, from affection to complete alienation.
Stephen Bank and Michael Kahn in their now-classic book, The Sibling Link, have identified eight basic models of such relationships - from cooperative rivalry, from full merger to extreme hostility:
- Gemini merger: "We are one, we are the same. There is no difference between us.
- A blurred connection: "I don't know exactly who I am. Maybe I can be like you.
- Worshiping the perfect hero: "I admire you so much that I want to be like you.
- Interdependence, devoted acceptance: "We are very much alike. We should always take care of each other despite our differences.
- Dynamic independence, constructive dialectics: "We are similar but different. This is a difficult task, which gives us the opportunity to grow.
- Tough differentiation, polarized rejection: "You are so different from me. I don't want to depend on you, I don't want to become like you.
- Denunciation, de-identification: "We differ from each other in everything. I don't need you, I don't like you, and I don't care if we ever meet again.
The drama, if not the tragedy, is that too often siblings take different emotional positions with each other, Abramovich notes. One can be an example of idealization, while the other is for de-identification.
One is hostile to the other, while the other is trying to unite with the other. Brothers and sisters are often involved in the wounding dance of intimacy. They can achieve a happy balance only when they are interdependent or dynamically independent.
WHY ARE THEY SO DIFFERENT?
It would seem that brothers and sisters have more in common than all other people. They have many similarities in nature and upbringing. You would expect siblings to be extremely similar. However, the genetic behaviorists discovered that siblings are nothing more than strangers. Why can children in the same family be so different from each other?
In fact, brothers and sisters live and do not live in the same family. Each of them receives different parents, who differ in age, experience, level of happiness or wealth. To paraphrase Heraclitus, "you can never enter the same family twice.
The firstborn in a family has the opportunity to occupy any niche, and most of them choose a niche, typical for the first child, developing "team" characteristics.
The second child enters a family where one "children's" niche is already occupied, and he should look for another one available to him. If for some reason (temperament, disability, illness) senior sibling has not taken this niche firstborn, it becomes available to those who were born later.
When niches are mutually exclusive, each sibling develops a polar identity in relation to the other. If one bad, the other will be good. If one sister is considered beautiful, the other will be diligent - perhaps to hide what she feels ugly. If one is a mother's favorite, the other will be a father's favorite or a draw.
Polarization will be the most extreme for siblings of the same sex and age group who have the greatest need to differentiate from each other.
ELDERS AND JUNIORS
Occupying the niche of the first-born seeks to be closer to parental values, to fulfill parental expectations, and thus to higher achievements.
They have more reason to be jealous of their brothers and sisters than younger siblings.
In the first child from the beginning of his life parents put everything they have into it. Those who were born later and are used to sharing parental contributions with other children, never suffer from the birth of a new brother or sister as the firstborn.
Parents can try to prevent jealousy, and first-born children can often suppress this feeling. But when parents don't see it, first-born rage can be an effective way to intimidate younger siblings.
Brothers and sisters, to the dismay of parents, are often obsessed with distributional justice ("Who got the most?") as a way of reassessing parental investment.
Younger children usually have better social and interpersonal skills. They are more open to experience, travel, new ideas
Since the firstborn is identified with the established order, they are usually more conservative, more inclined to assert their power and less open to new impressions.
Younger children appear in a family where there are already other children, so they tend to have better social and interpersonal skills. They are more open to experience, travel, new ideas.
They can afford the luxury of not growing up when another child is born. But there is a danger that they will never grow up or overcome their identity as a "child" in the eyes of older siblings.
GET OUT OF THE SHADOWS
When psychological space is divided on the principle of "or-or" ("everything that yours is not mine"), a brother or sister becomes a shadow of sibling. Shadow brothers or sisters share peace with each other and then forbid others to enter their psychological territory.
"If I am a smart sister, I can never be beautiful. Trying to be beautiful, I will have to invade my sister's territory. If I don't, I'll never face the beautiful side of myself and I'll live a life cut off from it, just as my sister will never join her intelligence," Abramovich writes.
How can we heal this polarized world? Can siblings become more holistic? When a person faces a difficult situation and their weaknesses come to the surface, the analyst asks them: "How would your sister/brother cope with this situation?
He gives the example of his client Helen - free, energetic, but somewhat unorganized, artistic in nature. Her brother Paul, a successful accountant, was, on the contrary, a neat and logical person, but somewhat emotionally limited. As a result, Helen looked at Paul as an obsessive-compulsive personality, and Paul considered her chaotic.
In the process of working with the analyst, Helen realized that Paul has many valuable qualities that she lacks herself. She discovered hidden logical skills, developed a system of filling in her papers and filed her first tax return on time.
Synchronously, Helen's internal changes had an impact on Paul. He was suddenly able to gain access to the previously hidden creative potential by starting to paint. They had more conversational topics in common than ever before, and they became much closer.