Faced with emotional violence in our own families, we try to make our lives easier in every way possible. Partners who suffer from abuse by their spouse often offer to see a psychologist together. But many are disappointed, because it is in families with abuses that some therapists do not work. Why is this the case?
Stephen Stosney, a psychologist and family violence specialist, is convinced that it is about the personal characteristics of those who come to get help.
WITHOUT CONTROL THERE IS NO PROGRESS
Couples counseling assumes that participants in the process have self-regulation skills. That is, both parties can control the feelings of guilt and shame that inevitably manifest themselves in the process of therapy, and do not shift the blame for their own hurt dignity on each other. But in relationships burdened by emotional violence, at least one partner cannot control himself or herself precisely. Therefore, working with couples often disappoints those who seek help: it simply does not help if the necessary conditions are not met.
Psychologists have an old joke about paired therapy: "Near each room there is a braking mark left by his husband, who was dragged to therapy. According to statistics, men are 10 times more likely than women to refuse therapy, the author notes. That's why therapists consciously pay more attention to husbands than wives, trying to keep their interest in the process.
Here is an example of a session to which the wife came along with her husband, who allows herself to insult her.
The therapist to the wife:
- I think your husband gets angry when he feels judged.
Husband:
- That's right. She literally condemns me for everything!
My husband approves of my partner's efforts, and the therapist helps him to contain his emotional reactions. At home, of course, everything will go back to normal
The therapist to his wife:
- I'm not saying you're judging him. I mean, he feels like he's being judged. Perhaps if you had formulated the request in such a way that your husband did not feel judged by you, his reaction would have been more acceptable.
Wife:
- But how do I do that?
- I noticed that when you ask him about something, you focus on what he does wrong. You also often use the word "you". I suggest you rephrase: "Honey, I'd like us to be able to talk for five minutes when we get home. Just talk to each other about how the day went, because when we do this, both are in a better mood and no one is shouting. (Husband): Would you feel judged if she spoke to you like that?
- Not at all. But I doubt she'll be able to change the tone. She doesn't know how to communicate differently!
- Can you talk to your husband in a non-judgmental tone?
- I didn't want to judge you, I just wanted you to understand...
A therapist:
- Why don't you repeat that phrase a few more times to be sure?
Without the skills of self-regulation, the husband immediately shifts all the responsibility to her so as not to feel wrong.
This is how it turns out that the problem is no longer the husband's inadequacy or his propensity for emotional violence. It turns out that the real problem is the judgmental tone of his wife's voice!
The husband approves of the partner's efforts, and the therapist helps him to contain emotional reactions. At home, of course, everything will go back to normal....
In a less "explosive" relationship, such advice from a therapist could be helpful. If the husband was able to control his emotional manifestations and question the feeling that he is always right, he could appreciate his wife's efforts, who reformulated her requests. Perhaps he would show more empathy in response.
But in reality their relationship is permeated by violence. In the end, the husband feels guilty because his wife made more efforts to calm him down. Not having the skills of self-regulation, he immediately shifts on her all the responsibility not to feel wrong. It was his wife who talked to him in the wrong way, it was she who used the accusatory tone, and in general she tried to make him look bad in the eyes of the therapist. And so on and so forth. But where is the husband's responsibility here?
Often, people who are prone to emotional violence make claims against their partners as soon as they leave the therapist's office. They attack their spouses for raising threatening reputations or embarrassing topics during a session.
THE BORDER ON THE CASTLE?
Psychologists often recommend that women who are married to partners who are prone to emotional violence learn how to set boundaries. They give such advice: "You need to learn how to make your message heard. Learn to say, "I won't tolerate this behavior anymore. The person who is being harassed should be able to set boundaries that really mean something to their partner.
Imagine you've sued the vandals who grinded your car with spray paint. And the judge says, "The lawsuit is dismissed because there was no "Do not paint the car" sign next to your car. The border advice is essentially a therapeutic equivalent to this kind of behaviour.
I wonder if psychotherapists who give such advice glue notes with the inscription "Do not steal!
Only by integrating your own values into your daily existence will you be able to remain yourself and increase your importance
Leaving aside the pernicious and unsubstantiated arguments that people are being subjected to violence because they have been unable to establish borders. Such a viewpoint completely overlooks the nature of the other. Anger, insults and offensive words from your partner have nothing to do with whether or not you know how to set boundaries. As well as the subject matter of your dispute. A partner who resorts to any kind of abruption, has a big problem with understanding the deep human values, believes Stephen Stosney.
The psychologist proposes to protect himself not by setting some boundaries, which the partner will not respect anyway. Only by integrating your own values into everyday existence, by making them part of reality, you will be able to remain yourself and to increase your value. And first of all, you need to abandon the distorted image of yourself, which is trying to impose your aggressive partner. A powerful belief that you are you, and you are not at all the way he tries to imagine you, will help you find the right direction.
If you can contain the first emotional reaction that arises in response to the provocations of the partner, so you will help yourself to become yourself. You will become the person you were before your relationship with your partner cracked. Only then will your other half understand that you will have to change your attitude towards you. And there is no other way to keep the relationship going.