When I come home, one of the things that literally knocks me down is a flood of advice. Sometimes it seems that if someone has something to say, they will say something or give me advice. I haven't forgotten that it's just a way of life, but I guess, from a strange habit, it can seem that people think you're incapacitated, unadapted to life. They will give you advice on how to raise children, what kind of potatoes to buy when you are standing in the dairy department, and how to apply cosmetics.
Actually, I've always been tense about this behavior. Some inattentive people are constantly climbing into your borders with good intentions, and they have to fight off in different ways. True, it does not stop them. And if you can get out of the tram with an unsolicited advisor, then it is not so easy to hide from family advisors.
There are people who consider every problem and even every breath as the desire of the interlocutor to get some advice or to hear an opinion. This is considered a virtue, because "in our time, no one gives free good advice" ie you are unspeakably lucky that you have such a wonderful adviser, full of worldly wisdom and wishing to sow in your life, good and eternal.
Well, what if you don't need this kindest and eternal one? As it turns out, the unsolicited advice is positively evaluated by only 6% of people, 56% categorically against it, and 36% agree to unsolicited advice if it comes from the "right person". That is, the one whom they respect or consider to be an authority. Advice that nobody asks for or waits for is often insulted and irritated. At the same time, many people get the opinion that the advisor criticizes, criticizes or even humiliates them with his remarks. Sometimes the advice is not only unexpected, but also incorrect, concerning topics that a person is not ready to discuss with outsiders. Alternatively, the topic may simply be embarrassing to someone or cause them to have negative feelings.
While many counselors see themselves as benefactors and altruists, their motives are often not so altruistic. When giving advice, a person wants to:
- Feel the need
- To be right.
- To be loved.
- To hear gratitude and to feel the importance of our own (yes, thanks to Ivan Ivanovich, for the fact that we have so much fun).
- Demonstrate my experience, scars and awards (when I was... I did... despite... and now I'm fine)
Many people give advice in order to feel superior.
Often give advice to anxious people. For them, it is an attempt to control the world around them. If someone surrounded by an anxious person does not know what to do, then the whole life can collapse and chaos will come. If people around you act on advice, the risk of chaos is greatly reduced.
Also quite frequent advisors are people with pathological feelings of guilt and shame. They feel obligated and responsible to give advice, because if they do not give it, people around them will be upset or in trouble. And it will be a shame, and the guilt will lie solely on the one who did not give advice in time.
A very frequent variant of unsolicited advice is a banal projection. If a person sees someone next to a life situation or a problem consonant with his own, he begins to pour out advice on how to act. He seems to cope with his own problem and does nothing risky for himself. Most often, advice "how to earn a million" is given by those who can hardly make ends meet.
In general, if you are not asked, it is better not to give advice (except for situations related to the threat to life). You can advise out of a sense of friendliness or empathy, but you may end up in an unpleasant situation. You don't always have all the information you need to know to judge what is going on with another person and what to do with it. Yes, the other person's problem may be very familiar to you, but you still don't know what the person really wants and what the outcome is. He or she can say anything, but in his or her soul he or she wants something different.
Notice, we often give advice not only from our bell tower, but also from the point of view of our experience and imagination, what we would do in this or that situation. People often, giving advice, broadcast their own experiences and fantasies to others. Moreover, people very often advise on things that they would never really do themselves. For example, girlfriends are very happy to advise other women how to build relationships with partners. In fact, they never behave with their husband or boyfriend.
In addition, when giving unsolicited advice, you should keep in mind that people are very often waiting for them in order not to take responsibility for the choice or decision. That is, if they do not succeed on your advice, they will blame you. So, they say, I did what this asshole told me to do, and now I'm cleaning it up. And if they succeed, they will come to you every time for advice, until they fail. Well, after the failure, they will blame you again. I.e. you to them with all your soul, he to you, opposite to the place.
Others do not need any advice at all. They already know what to do, but they are afraid to take the last step and are looking for information that would support their decision. They can just take the piece of advice they like from your council, do it their own way, and then again accuse you of "bad advice".
But that doesn't mean you can't give advice under any circumstances. It is necessary to do it, but according to certain principles.
- Do not give advice if you are not asked. It happens that people all look like they need advice and want it, but cockroaches in their heads don't let them do it. If people don't express the need for advice through words, they don't need your advice.
- However, if this is the case, it is worth telling the person that you are ready to give advice or make suggestions if they are needed.
- Talk more about your experience and emphasize that your experience is not absolute. That is, what works for you may not work for another person. Or, share information about an issue of interest to the person. Give as many options as possible to solve the problem. Let the questioner choose. When you say, "I would do it if I were you...", "you need to...", "all normal people...", you take responsibility and decide for the other person. For in your expression, you already have what is right and what is wrong.
- Do not create plans for other people. This is the responsibility for the actions of others, and... some things are hard to grasp in theory. It is necessary to gain experience in practice. You can talk as much as you like about diving and mountaineering, but a person needs to learn to dive and climb.
- Do not put your soul to other people's problems. Give people space and the opportunity to solve their problems on their own. This is their life and they should be responsible for it.
And don't forget that unsolicited advice is trespassing. If you go there, in other people's borders, it means that this is your problem, which you have not solved for yourself. Take care of yourself and your problems to start with.
If you are harassed with unsolicited advice, do not be afraid to remind a person that he has stopped by someone else's territory and here he is not welcome. Do not be afraid that it will look rude. It is very rude to give you advice without your desire, so it is quite adequate to fight back the advisor.