The discussion of necessary and unnecessary advice gently flowed into the field of criticism and the degree of its necessity in the life of each person. People exchange information like all living beings on earth. Even bacteria communicate with each other using certain chemicals. They tell their neighbors in the microbial colony what's going on outside their population. Like food, oxygen, enemy bacteria and viruses.
There is a lot of talk in psychology about messages - "mutual strokes". These are situations where we tell each other that we are pleasant and accepted by each other. It's like complementing each other, but in everyday life such positive support is less visible and occurs almost "on the machine". We like the person, we send signals that he is OK, and he sends us back the same thing.
But people not only praise each other. There are many things about relationships and interactions that are OK, but there are many things that are not OK. So that's just as much an integral part of the psychological interactions is the message around you that you don't feel good about relationships. This, by the way, is also important. Everybody has mirror neurons that determine the ability to empathize, but empathy is still a question of imagination. People take into account what their own experience tells them. As a result, they can do to others as dictated by the content of their psyche. It is not a fact that people around us want exactly what we would like to see in their place. Thus, it is very useful to say that I do not feel good, I do not want to do this, but want to do it differently. In fact, to tell your opponent that his behavior is undesirable.
The other thing you need in a relationship is to be able to tell your point of view, to tell you how you see the situation. So to speak, to compare the world maps. Do you see what I see? Are we talking about one thing or another? The vision of situations may differ. The existence of one viewpoint can deny the other, making it automatically wrong.
Actually, these two kinds of messages form the basis of criticism. Naturally, everyone can say it in different ways and for different purposes. In this regard, these kinds of criticism are distinguished:
1. Constructive, when messages are aimed at improving the existing state of affairs, improving relationships, understanding each other better. In this case, the person is critical:
- is in a benevolent mood.
- Does not cross social borders
- doesn't get into the personal space of a critic
- is interested in finding some new solution
- ...is willing to give up his position for the sake of consensus...
- does so in a timely manner, i.e. when it's possible to correct the situation
- can clearly explain what he wants.
2. Non-constructive criticism relates to situations where it is useless. It can be given:
- it is too late (you should have done...)
- an incompetent person (if I were a pilot...)
- Not applicable to the specific situation (what to do with a noisy child,
without knowing why the child is making noise) - the meaning of criticism contradicts the desire of the criticised person (it
is not apples that should be bought, it is pears that should be bought.
What should I do, what do I want, what do I want, pears?) - is based on someone else's experience, the value of which is doubtful
(here is my great-grandfather in 1812...)
3. Destructive criticism, in fact, is not a criticism, but a form of aggression. No one is looking for any consensus, but satisfies their emotional needs by releasing all sorts of negativity on the criticised. Or, in this case, criticism is used as a tool for manipulation. The main message of such criticism is to lower the opponent at least one step lower and win. To make the other do what the critic wants to do. And if you don't make them do it, then at least you should make the critic feel guilty and ashamed.
At the same time, the critic usually can't normally explain what he doesn't like specifically what he needs to do to like it ("kill yourself against the wall" and absurd remarks don't count). His criticism sounds like an order and an insult. Such criticism is often based on an assessment of the personality attributed to the critic.
Destructive criticism is not necessarily orchestrating and scolding. More often than not, everything goes quite calmly and even disguised as good intentions. Such destructive critics are disguised in order to reduce the victim's ability to defend himself or herself, or to improve himself or herself somehow. Consensus and precise instructions are not included in the plans, because they make it meaningless to plunge negative emotions on the victim.
For example, unsolicited advice is very often actually a destructive criticism. A mother-in-law eating a daughter-in-law's cake can give out the phrase "if you want to bake a really good cake, you need to buy better quality products". This often means that "the cake you claim to call good, it sucks because you put all kinds of crap in it", which means "you're a filthy hostess". Such criticism is often disguised as a desire for good, but in fact such critics take very little care about what cake will come out next time.
The second variant of disguised destructive criticism is "critical IMHO". People express their negative assessment of anything as an axiom. Because they see it that way. They refuse to discuss or enter into a discussion about what they do not like. The basic idea is that they can just talk in any form, any disgusting thing, and others should listen to it. Moreover, gratitude and appreciation are expected for each one of the dirt they pour on the critic.
Again, a lot of things come from childhood. Criticism on the part of parents is often not constructive, but rather manipulative. The child tries to cause feelings of guilt and shame. After the child is presented as a manifestation of love. After all, if you do not criticize, then the child will not grow a person. If they criticize, it means they love you, it means you care. If nobody criticizes you, nobody needs you. The tougher the criticism, the more useful it is. Everyone should tolerate criticism, because it is "for good.
On the basis of this, there are several myths about the critique and its significance in life:
- Criticism is not liked only by the insecure weaklings. In fact, among the flows of criticism towards any person, most of the criticism is non-constructive and destructive. For what purpose these kinds of criticism should be loved and tolerated. They are not very useful in life. Except for unpleasant emotions from invasion of borders, a person gets nothing. In this case, a person who does not protect himself from the flow of useless critical information, does not say "no" to "evil critics" can be called weak.
- Critics always give people the opportunity to see themselves from the other side. In fact, critics have a very specific and unbiased view. Often they just project their problems onto others. Information about the inner world and internal conflicts criticism of most people is completely useless.
- People around you know more about you, so you need to listen to what they say to you. This statement echoes the number 2. And even if they do know more, it is not necessarily that their opinion about what they know is right and needed.
- If you said "A", be prepared to be thrown stones for it. Many people think that any of your actions unleashes the hands of others for any kind of aggression. It's like "I came out in a short skirt, don't complain about being raped, I wanted to. If you put up the photos, you will get a brown IMHO in the face. Write about something personal in the diary, be ready to mix your personality with dirt.
- If I want to be a good person (even theoretically), I can not restrain myself. The concept of "good" is very extensible. Not all good things are necessary for someone.
- If you are criticized, you want good.
- Without criticism, you will not be able to become better than you are now. And if you refuse to listen to critical remarks about yourself, people will fall out of love with you.
Why do critics do it? One of the most serious factors pushing destructive riticism and part of non-constructive criticism, the presence of a bloated own self. I.e. "I" is very important, "my opinion is very important" for everyone, it cannot be challenged. If you say that you don't care what I think, I can stop loving you (I'll deceive you!). Worse than that, you can't think of anything at all. And I will never tell you my opinion again. It's like an anathema.
Another reason, no less important - those very childhood habits associated with criticism. People sometimes simply do not think of other relationships, friendships and love. That is, how is this all, and without criticism? What to talk about? How to take care of friends, loved ones, relatives?
Another important reason - people are not able to cope with their negative emotions, let them in the right direction, not throwing them on others, to raise their self-esteem by working on themselves, not at the expense of humiliation of others.
And of course in this phenomenon play a role not only of critics. It is important not only the content, but also its perception. But this is the next time.