We all need to be accepted. Yes, yes, we are all the same pack animals and we want to live surrounded by people like us and not just live, but be important to the group, be connected to it. Being kicked out of the group is scary. If you live alone, you will either be trampled by a mammoth or eaten by a cave bear. And no one will help you. Of course, there have been tribes and peoples in history. In Sparta, weak babies were killed, and there were societies that got rid of the sick and weak, like ballast, which only the tribe eats, but does nothing. However, such a policy did not destroy a person's need to be in a group.
Now we have left the issues of daily survival, but the society is longing to be with someone, to exchange emotions and warmth of soul.
Modern society is a society of conditional love.
The problem of conditionality has long gone beyond practical utility. Rather, it is now more of a trade engine: "Buy and everyone will love you without any conditions.
But the conditions for acceptance are growing and expanding in relations between people. Yes, there is no need to produce mammoths anymore, but society is beginning to make more and more demands on a particular individual. Society's demands are not as abstract as the desires of some inarticulate crowd outside the door of the apartment. The society speaks through parents, partners, acquaintances and strangers: "We will not love you if you do not ...".
Quite common and, considered to be mandatory, the opinion: love must be earned, for no one will love you for nothing. Everything depends on whether you fulfill the conditions. And as much as you try, so much love will be given to you. A lot of people spend a huge part of their time calculating who gave love to whom and how much love gave it to him.
So what is conditional love? Yes, these are the same conditions that can be divided into 3 types:
- Love is possible - if you do it, you can be loved or rejected. What will happen is not known.
- Partial love - I love you for this, but I do not love you for that. When you behave correctly, I love you, and when it is wrong, I do not love you.
- Love is temporary - as long as you are useful, I love you, when you become useless, I will not love you.
Usually, people set the terms of their love, like: "As long as you meet my standards, I love you", "As long as I have no reason not to love you, I love you", "As long as you satisfy my needs and make me feel good, I love you". And then? And then there is no love for you, because you had to try.
This is not love at all. It is ownership, control and manipulation. People are forced to be of a certain shape, color or size because a partner or parent wants to have something "with pearlescent buttons". And try not to have such buttons! I'll throw it in the trash, "I'll give it to the organs.
Yes, adults, and even the elderly, can continue to live in an atmosphere of conditional love. They have had no experience since childhood of being able to love for nothing. That's for what you are, for being in our group, for being part of someone else's life. People are surprised: how can you do that? It's just freebies and parasitism. If you don't please people, there's just nothing to love you for.
Moreover, growing up, such children also love with the conditions of their parents, evaluate their usefulness in relation to them. You can give me money from your pension, I will love you. You will not give, I will not love you.
Conditional love is present in the form of fantasies, such as "if they got to know me better, then probably everyone would love me. People who are eager to earn love even have recipes for how to get it. For example, to become a millionaire, the best worker, interesting or famous person. There is a belief that if you change in the right direction, the world simply has no right not to love you. People just have to rush to meet you.
What is unconditional love, it is love without conditions.
Many people think it is dangerous and terrible. You can spoil everything and get into trouble if you have unconditional love in your life. But the thing is that people perceive this kind of love in the form of a commitment package.
First of all, for them, love is all forgiveness. But if you love someone, it's not like you approve of everything that a loved one or a child does. And unconditional love implies forgiveness. It's scary. Is it really just everything you need to forgive? This is a very difficult moment. Many people think that if you forgive a person who has done you harm, you will commit treachery and give him power over you. In fact, to forgive means to stop feeling negative emotions about someone. This has nothing to do with the fact that you have allowed a person to do something to you, or that you think that the evil you have done is legitimate.
Secondly, unconditional love is perceived as a complete destruction of its borders, and the inability to set boundaries for others. The boundaries for them are a sign that there are still conditions. In fact, the boundaries, in any relationship, are mandatory. If they do not exist, the man simply puts himself in a very dangerous position, he deprives himself of the right to be himself as a person. He becomes only a part of the partner's personality. Allows him to do everything about himself and forbids him to defend himself.
Unconditional love is emotional orientation towards others and receiving emotions, it is empathy. But this should not oblige anyone to do anything. You may not feel empathy for someone, and people may not feel empathy for you. But its absence is not equal to the fact that you are not loved or you do not love someone. Even judgment (expressed in the right form) is not equal to rejection. It is the expression of feelings and feedback, the message of feelings that a person feels for you.
What can you do with this if you are tied up in networks of conditional love?
- Accept that you are accepted in society. Most people who fight for the love of others are not badly included in society. But people are such people. They rarely experience too much excitement about communicating with someone. Acceptance is not equal to respect.
- Stop demanding and waiting for people to appreciate you and show signs of constant love. Almost everyone needs feedback. And, as a rule, it exists. Just people looking for love from others miss it. Feedback is too stealthy for them. Even if they are directly told that you are doing a great job, they do not perceive it because of the devaluation. You have to learn to see this feedback.
- People who constantly demand or set conditions from you are not the people who love you. They manipulate you.
- Your failures are not equal to your personality. People have good times and bad times. Everything does not always turn out right and fast, a lot of things are hard. But all people have to overcome difficulties, because it is a part of life and people grow up due to difficult times. Well, that's if they don't give up.
- Start showing people first that you accept them, show them that they are okay. That you like them. And they will answer you in the same way. Believe me, no one has grown up surrounded by conditional love. Almost all of society is in the same boat.