Another clarifying post. In the post about aggression, and then in answers to questions, quite often there were remarks that it is possible to forgive and forget everything and somehow to solve disagreements by talking, if you are chased by an axe. I briefly said in the first text that the search for spiritual wounds and circumstances of the obvious aggressors who want to cause you emotional and physical harm (that is, they do it on purpose, and are well aware that it will make you feel bad) do not make sense. You need a quick reaction of protection from attack. But it seems to me that questions arise because not everyone understands how to rank aggression. And without this ranking it is really hard to decide what to do with it. Moreover, many people do not know that some of the actions of others are aggression. That's why it's a little bit of a libido.
There are several levels of aggression:
- Frustration from other people's behavior. In fact, there is no aggression from others, but their behavior makes the victim feel like they are being attacked. These are, as a rule, cases of social "non-inclusion". That is, a person is not isolated or rejected, just not taken into the campaign. Usually this happens because the company has other interests or is united by certain characteristics that the person does not fall into. Or it could be a situation where instead of a person applying for a position, a girl or boyfriend chooses another partner who does not meet expectations.
- Aggression in the form of an outbreak against the victim. This includes cases where someone has flared up and said something unpleasant about you. This case should be distinguished from criticism, which is not accompanied by bright negative emotional experiences of the attacker. The critic may be upset or dissatisfied with something, but he or she behaves in a dignified and constructive manner. This also includes cases where the attitude of others towards you does not correspond to your gender, age, social status, etc. At the same time, you have negative feelings from this attitude to you. Let us add situations when you are lied about, they talk about you behind your back, without dissuading you and spreading rumors.
- Bullying usually involves regular, deliberate negative attitudes towards you. Although this type of aggression can be episodic. In doing so, you are openly humiliated, insulted, or behaved in order to hurt or cause negative feelings, rumors or gossip. There are also hidden bullying where the aggressor is not in direct contact with you, but has activities behind you to stigmatize you or socially isolate you.
- Violence can be regular and episodic and differs from bullying in the severity of the damage. It includes:
- Physical violence, which involves more than beatings. This includes slapping,
scratching, biting, throwing objects, taking away personal objects, and
physical restraint. - The emotional violence that we're talking about here.
- Verbal violence. This includes all kinds of orchestras, insults, ridicule, deliberate embarrassment, and the dissemination of intimate information in the presence of others.
- Economic violence. Cutting money, controlling financial spending, using your money without your consent, pressuring you to resign or move to a less rewarding position. Opening accounts and taking loans in the victim's name without her knowledge and despite her direct refusal to do so. It may also be a denial of permission to work (e.g. from a partner). This may also include cases where a person is forced to do extra work, which is not enough or at all paid for.
- mental violence includes situations in which the victim, as a result of the partner's actions, becomes suspicious of his or her mental health. This is not only true of talking about hallucinations and delusions (you are actually talking about something that does not exist), but also of situations where the victim confesses to being an unstable psychopath and hysterical person. This deprives her of the opportunity to defend herself because she is, as it were, inadequate. This is achieved by turning over the words, refusing to accept the arguments and admitting them to be stupid and illogical, accusing the victim of contradicting herself, not remembering what happened, etc. Among other things, this includes cases where the aggressor threatens to spread information about the alleged mental disorder of the victim.
- Sexual abuse. This includes not only rape and coercion to sex, but also unwanted touching, unpleasant to the victim, vulgar remarks of a sexual nature, coercion to sexual practice unacceptable to the victim, coercion to pregnancy (also refers to generative violence).
Harrasment represents some type of aggression. It is characterized by the deliberate causing of emotional distress in the victim by persecution (real and virtual), the spread of rumours, the use of its position to force the victim to do some unsuitable and undesirable actions, the threat of dissemination of information, and the dissemination of this information in real and virtual space.
Who should we talk to and who shouldn't we talk to?
In the first case, it is clear that there is no real aggression, it is only perceived as such. For the sake of fidelity, it is possible to talk to people around you about what is going on and how you can establish relations with them. Relationships will not always improve, but you will have an idea of what, in fact, the matter.
Aggression in the form of an outbreak, a very benign case, because these people often realize later that they were wrong and ready for a reasonable dialogue.
It is also worth talking to everyone else. Maybe someone will be surprised, but it is not uncommon for rapists and hooligans to do all this because they do not understand that it is not normal. And when you tell them this, they start to control themselves. Of course, in terms of severe physical violence, such cases of transformation practically do not happen, but with regard to emotional, verbal and economic violence, people often settle down. These are normal people with no constructive experience, and of course, they do not want to be scum. But a fairly large group of hooligans and rapists categorically disagree with the dialogue or accept it for the purpose of manipulation, if the situation suddenly turns sharply against them. It happens that even ardent people apologize, but in case of which they repeat their tricks again. That is, they do not think to do something about their behavior. (And it is worth taking into account that a person can start working with himself, but not everything is so easy and fast. Occasionally flashes happen.)
Thus, in a situation when you have offered to find out in a quiet mode, and the aggressor in any way passively aggressively and actively refuses, or, even, your attempt at dialogue causes a new surge of aggression, it is a good reason to get rid of the dialogue and draw conclusions. Here the person has closed densely and for a long time and you will not be able to do anything about it. Unless you cross out or sharply limit the access of this citizen to your life. If it is the chief, then actively start to consider options for new work.