Everybody blames me for being the one writing about bad moms. Why not the bad dads? It's just some kind of discrimination. Don't worry, comrades, it's not just moms who are bad. I've already talked several times about choosing topics on my blog. Basically, questions are raised that are discussed with my clients. Well, somehow it was better and more frequent with my moms.
So this is about Dad.
A little retreat. Now I will immediately clarify the direction of the conversation to avoid unconscious emissions. It's not about who, husband or wife contribute more to the family. And who of them is more fried in marriage. We are talking specifically about children in such a marriage.
I'm not going to write about personality disorders today, I'm going to write about my father's common pattern of family behavior. Now, unfortunately, it is a common myth that the children should be physically raised and raised by the mother, and the father should provide ideological guidance and control over the performance of the duties of the mother. It is great if the father also works and earns money. Then he performs another duty to the family - financial.
That's all there is to it. He worked hard, came home, got tired, did not bother with any more questions, cleaned up the children, so that they were not seen or heard. That is, that children were somewhere formally at the border of perception. The father does not demonstrate emotional attachment to the children, but demonstrates irritation and disregard for their interests.
If, of course, the father is asked if he loves children, he will answer: "Of course". But here love is more abstract and expressed in material terms. Daddy gives money for (to set up) and more often for mom to go and buy.
In general, the child's father avoids. He is always busy no matter what, the main thing is that you can not interfere. The work flows into online life or TV. In the morning, Daddy flows to work. For the child, he becomes physically present in his life incomprehensible and inaccessible figure.
The father very seldom gives the child some direct feedback, does not demonstrate interest in the life of the child. He is always too busy with something else. He does not go to competitions and performances of the child, despite the fact that he himself requires that the child's grandmother and mother were taken to circles and sections. Does not go to any extracurricular activities, does not spend time with the family, does not teach the child anything. On attempts to establish some connection with the father, the child is repulsed and transferred to the mother to leave the father alone.
If there is still a desperate situation and such a father has to sit with the child, he gets almost a psychological trauma. The child asks him questions, asks him to play and asks him to help him with something. For example, to help to go to the toilet. By the way, Daddy often throws something so passively aggressive that he minimizes such situations of one-on-one communication with the child at home. The child's mother will come and be horrified at what Daddy has done, and will not ask again.
The child begins to realize that it is better not to approach Daddy, and not to provoke his appearance at all. Closer to adolescence, the diet begins to sift through more and more of the essence of communication with Daddy. Avoid contact if possible and come closer only to asking for money. He knows that such an exchange "give me money and I'll leave you alone (you won't see me today)" is quite right for my father.
It would seem that the father always shows the wall between himself and the child. But in fact, the wall does not exist and there are no boundaries. Children often treat such dads as electric sockets. You won't stick carnations, and it won't hurt you.
However, a large proportion of children develop fantasies about their emotional relationship with their father. In fact, he is good and will definitely come to competitions and exhibitions, and in general, wherever Dad is called. It will protect him from hooligans, teach him to play checkers and do millions of other correct papal things. They are trying to annoy my father, to surprise him, to deserve attention, believing that they simply do not reach my father, do not meet his expectations. Such children are always terribly upset that the father again demonstrated his indifference, but soon plunged back into the fairy tale of a wonderful father. There are no boundaries here, too, because the child's father lives in his head, in the field of fantasy. And there, as they say, everything is possible at any level.
When the father emotionally withdraws from the family, the mother usually takes on more responsibilities for raising the children. It is as if she takes the emotional place of the spouse in the life of the children, is involved in their lives. And here it all depends on the personal content of the mother. By the way, a narcissistic family forming a new daffodil often consists of the mother of the daffodil and an emotionally distant father.
On the other hand, a family with an emotionally distant father and a super-involved mother is often the result of a "mother's joy" child sucking finances from the father. Among other things, children with an emotionally disabled father are less adaptable in life and tend to develop addictions. Adult girls have more difficult relationships with partners. They are more likely to find emotionally deaf men who are insensitive to their needs and desires. Boys find it difficult to take on their father's responsibilities because they don't know how a father should behave at all. They often have difficulty taking responsibility, building relationships with friends and colleagues. There was nothing special to do in the family. Mom often loved her, and the main thing with Dad was not to be highlighted. The latter was rewarded by the father.