People often complain that they are unable to make decisions. It is understood that this is a quality of personality - "indecision". But indecision is an expression of a condition or disorder, fear of choice. But that's not all. Fear of choice is made up of several components: fear of losing control and fear of rejection.
Let's take an example.
Women are going to someone's house for a bachelorette party. Two of the hostess's friends bring a cake. It happened spontaneously. There was a conversation, to bring something to tea, and both decided that the cake will be the most suitable thing for tea drinking. Two cakes on the table and the mistress started to throw her mind about which cake to cut first. She has to choose one, but in her understanding, the girlfriend, whose cake will be cut second, will certainly be offended, think that she is not respected. And then tears, scandal, the guest will slam the door and, all, there will never be communication again. No, when it's all literally spinning in your head, it's a hard case. A set of associations flies in consciousness with one impulse, leaving a ready dilemma as to where to start the cake. She stands thoughtfully over the cakes, then throws a knife, grabbing tea, and shouts to someone at the table: "Girls, cut the cake!
Everything in life on cakes is not closed. It is necessary to buy home appliances, gifts, choose festive dishes, clothes, after all, and the partner too. Fear of making a mistake often leads to perfectionism, because it is necessary to make the perfect decision, so that then not to regret. What to do if the ideal solution does not come to mind? You can scratch the cake (stand with a knife over the cakes) or throw the responsibility on others (cut the cake yourself and take responsibility if someone is offended). Some people spend hours in shops trying to buy something. They take one thing, one thing or the other, then the first one again, and the second one is postponed. Almost reach the cash register, come back and take the second one, etc.
Not always hesitation or inability to decide what to do is evil. Doubts usually push people to think more carefully about what to do. But if the consequences of the wrong choice are too frightening, the person has a condition up to panic.
Why is this fear developing? Such people are accustomed from childhood to the fact that if you do something wrong, you will be punished, ridiculed or rejected. That's why a mistake in the situation, whose cake to cut, becomes a problem.
People with fear of error have several common characteristics:
- They have low self-esteem.
- They expect a negative rather than positive outcome from their actions.
- They feel responsible for other people's emotions.
- Avoid new and difficult tasks, where the risk of making a mistake may be, in their opinion, very high.
- They are particularly sensitive to mistakes. Even small things can lead them to a state of despair. Even if their mistake was not seen by anyone, and they immediately corrected it.
- The wrong choice makes them feel guilty and self-destructive.
- They are very sensitive to criticism, but they criticize themselves mercilessly.
- When they do make a choice, they often interpret their actions negatively, coming to a conclusion that it would be better if they chose the opposite.
From the outside, it may not seem that the situation is insoluble. Cut the cake, which stands closer while the girlfriends are sitting in the room at the table. If they don't see the sequence of cakes being cut and nobody gets offended. No, they can ask, of course, but it's unlikely. However, people with this fear of making a choice are able to skillfully maintain this phobia at home (the mechanism is not unique, so people support almost all phobias).
- They don't think much about the reason for their reaction and the preconditions of the situation, but a lot about the negative consequences (whether it is really important for the girlfriends whose cake they start to cut first).
- They rarely talk about their doubts about their choices and hesitations to others, mainly those who are directly involved in the decision making situation. Keep it to themselves (it was possible to ask the girlfriends directly if the order of cutting is fundamental).
- Strongly stuck at the moment when the situation becomes uncontrollable and the negative consequences of the choice will begin to affect everyone (all, cut the cake, and one of the girlfriends begin to shake their lips and tears on the eyes are turned around).
- They try to overcome it themselves, to crush fear, which can lead to impulsive and really negative consequences. This increases the fear of making the wrong decision.
- Fear of making a mistake overcomes reasonable and logical thinking.
What can be done with it?
- It is necessary to define perfectionist ideas. I'm sure there are, but they need to be carefully considered and their roots found.
- If there are doubts, make a plan of alternatives and a way out of a difficult situation. For example, in the case of the dilemma between cakes, you can ask other people which cake to start with
- Enable people to respond to your actions and choices as they wish. Of course, the choice can really hurt others, but not always. Sometimes it's already known that there is a competition between girlfriends, which goes down to the level of cake cutting. Give them the opportunity to solve this issue on their own. Not everything in this life should be taken for responsibility. If you decide to become a peacemaker and do not give cause for scandals, cut the cake courageously yourself, without thinking about the coming disaster. If it does happen, it is not your fault, but the continuation of the conflict between friends. They needed a reason, and they found it.
- In such cases, they are always advised to "look from the outside". Banal, but effective. Imagine that you were told a story about a certain lady who was tormented by the order of cake cutting. How is it from the outside? No, you don't have to call yourself a fool. Think better about whether the situation is really insoluble and so important.
- Test your beliefs, whether it is really so terrible to make a mistake.
- And, most importantly, allow yourself to make mistakes. This is the main learning part of life. Through them we know ourselves as a person and get the opportunity to develop.