As has been written and said more than once, living with daffodils is not a joy. A child is especially joyless in a family where there is at least one daffodil. The second parent can also be a daffodil, because few people can maintain relations with this type of personality for quite a long time.
Persons who grew up next to daffodils are called co-daffodils. Those. those that are "attached" to the daffodil are their integral part.
The child’s personality is formed under constant neglect by the parents, but with a regular bombardment of his self-esteem and self-perception. This is done so that the narcissistic parent himself supported his own perception of greatness and grandeur. There is no arguing that he is smarter, more skilled in social communication and stronger physically. To this, usually, the parent adds other fantasy qualities and facts from the past, which the child is regularly reproached with. The parent always insists that at the age at which the child is now, he was many times better in all directions. But the plain child came out.
In such families, it is customary to "land the child." First, offer him something to do, and when he really starts to succeed, the child is happy and proud of himself, tell him that the product of his activity is complete. “I thought that your hands were growing from a soft place. There was nothing to even begin. ”
Over time, the child tries not to catch the eye of parents at all, so as not to scoop up something. Moreover, it is never clear what you are raking for. He is sure that he is doing everything badly, and for this he is being punished. These children have a couple of tried strategies that allow parents to please him, without running into a scandal. Any deviation from this algorithm is a disaster.
At a certain age, parental words are the child’s only source of knowledge about themselves. Basically, in the bottom line, the conviction “I am insignificance” is formed. This attitude towards oneself, as a rule, as a consequence, remains for many years and leaves its mark on all future life.
The grown children of daffodils are very much oriented towards the opinions of others. At the same time, it seems to them that others think badly of them, see their inferiority. And if, suddenly, they are treated well, then they just have not yet made out the dirty trick and terrible negative qualities. Or they’re just lying to hurt. Eventually:
- they are rigid in communication. They try to safely like, "probe" the interlocutor, whether he is annoyed by their presence.
- at the slightest sign of negativity, even if they are in no way connected with a narcissus, or a divergence of views, resentment and escape ensue.
- in general, they are very touchy, they can attribute any word in the conversation to their own account and become discouraged. There may be another reaction - aggression, tears.
- constantly absorbed by the wallpaper and analysis of their feelings and experiences, which are in the nature of “chewing” thoughts. They endlessly find out in themselves something terrible, shameful, twist their findings in their heads for weeks, or even years. They are looking for "crystal clarity" of what is happening, but as a rule, they quickly get off from productive work to empty psychological fermentation in a circle.
- blame others for their misadventures. They, co-daffodils, of course, are insignificant, defective, but others are to blame for this. This is often really true, but the facts of child abuse are excessively and constantly chewed, pulled over any situation. Didn’t give a candy? This is because in childhood was unhappy.
- those people who act in tune with their desires and needs, become in their eyes villains. Co-daffodils often come up with the terrible intentions and thoughts of others. Co-daffodils are masters of self-winding and developing the theme of inner shame. In their head, at any free moment, a fantasy or memory unfolds, how shameful and shameful it was. This can be very inventive. Even a neutral event can be a terrible failure, for which it is infinitely shameful.
- they have a rather difficult time with empathy. It is only possible to empathize with those in whom they see their experiences. At the same time, emotions are extremely deep, even with a complete identification of oneself with suffering.
- it is very difficult for them to take responsibility for themselves and their lives. In childhood it was useless. Because if you don’t spin, you will still be bad. It’s better to be bad on the spot. Associated with this is simply terry and seasoned self-sabotage.
- they are looking for ideal relationships with others so that their needs are constantly and unmistakably satisfied. They need a compassionate person with whom one could constantly talk about the horrors of childhood, about who a co-narcissist could become if not for his parents. Any proposals to somehow do something, start changing are considered as betrayal.
The changes are pretty hard. Working with such people is not easy. After the stage of analysis of cases of domestic violence, a person can go into the deadlock and get out of it after a very long period of time. Partly because the role of the victim of child abuse in his position can bring relief. After all, it was not me who was bad, but the parents. Any movement forward can face new disappointments. Moving scary, much worse than getting stuck in a zone of despair and resentment towards parents.
But, a necessary step in solving this problem is to start taking responsibility for your life. Take some action and make a choice. Gain your own experience and evaluate yourself based on the results of actions. This is the growing up that did not happen in childhood and must be passed.