Unconditional love is one of the philosophical concepts familiar to many, but few realize that this unconditional love, or rather an unconscious sensation of its absence, determines many patterns of our behavior, emotions, negative feelings.
Those who have children can easily remember the situation, and those who have no children can remember themselves in the role of a child:
Mom scolded the child for something. The child became nervous and started shouting: “Mom is bad, go away, I don’t love you!”, Or he just ran away upset to another room. Mom follows the child to calm him and regret, but runs into a wave of resistance and indignation. One attempt on the part of the mother to hug the child, the second - all are unsuccessful, and now the mother has lost all desire to put up, and she leaves, or is even more angry, after which the cry of the child becomes louder and more desperate.
What does the child want? In this situation, manifestations by the mother of unconditional love. He made a mistake in some ways, he was scolded, thus ALREADY showing him non-love, non-acceptance (this is how the child perceives it, mother, of course, may not even consider it that way). And now he stands, all so unloved and not accepted, and he needs to do something about it.
And when the children feel bad and they want to solve the problem, they cry and scream, they call for help. So the child screamed in response to the fact that he was scolded, and his mother did not rush to help him, did not console him and assured him that she still loves and accepts the child, despite the fact that she scolded. On the contrary, mom even frowned or simply ignored his cry - that’s all, for a child the end of the world. Already twice not accepted and unloved.
And beloved and adopted only if he behaves well, makes no mistakes when the bunny is fluffy.
And such situations occur frequently. Even if mother tries hard to be loving, consoles, hugs, spends time with her child. And if you do not try, do not console, but only educate, as it should, then the situation, you understand, is getting worse.
And what accumulates in the unconscious, and how does it determine a person’s life if he has not known enough, or has not known at all, what unconditional love and acceptance are?
1) Fear of error.
Very often, in the process of psychotherapy, in search of the reasons for lack of initiative, apathy, unwillingness to act, we find a small child who is terribly afraid to make a mistake. Otherwise they will scold, otherwise one of the adults will cut for a long time or hang menacingly from above. It’s better not to do anything at all - such a decision is made unconsciously in order to get into situations where you show dislike as little as possible. Because it is very painful. But it doesn’t hurt.
2) Intolerance to criticism.
The same reasons. Is someone criticizing? “So he shows me his dislike.” And I already know that. I need something else - unconditional love and acceptance.
3) Helpfulness.
In order to somehow earn human love and acceptance, a person becomes very helpful and as less intrusive as possible. Everything else is valuable. All mine is not very. But that’s nothing. The main thing is not to be expelled from the pack, because I will be good, maybe then I will get a bit of love.
4) Flattery.
Looks like helpfulness. I will say how wonderful you are, secretly hoping that you will repay me with the same.
5) Claims to the Church.
An amazing thing. The claims to the Church for formality, innocence, and insincerity of its clergy may be based on an unconscious desire to receive unconditional love and acceptance in the Church, in the bosom of the Church. And when this does not happen there, a strong protest arises against rituals, against insincerity (or even against something that cleverly turns the mind to explain anger and frustration).
6) Claims to mom, dad.
What is most needed for the soul of a child? - Unconditional love and acceptance from parents, parental time for them and only for them, and parental energy for them and only for them.
If an adult is already offended, dissatisfied with something in mom, dad, you can and should first of all explore the topic of unconditional love. And even if a person immediately says: “I was very loved in childhood!” - do not believe it). We need to dig in this direction, most likely resentment on this issue will be found.
7) Claims to brothers, sisters.
Of course, their parents always love more. They, however, consider also in relation to us.
8) The vagaries of marriage.
The wife requires the attention of the husband, the husband - the attention of the wife. And everyone wants to be accepted as he is.
Unconditional love beckons endlessly. Because it seems that if they will fully love and accept you, you will be easy, free, joyful. And it is true.
However, it is true that no one ever gives a person unconditional love to the extent that he unconsciously expects.
But the truth is that unconditional love can be demonstrated by a loving mother (albeit not every time), who nevertheless guesses to suffer a little whim of her child, described at the beginning of the article, and will stretch out her arms over and over again, showing that she accepts it by anyone. A mother can really show her child unconditional love when she knows what it really is. If love will be externally, but not inside, the child considers only what will be inside.
When a person begins to realize that he was practically deprived of unconditional love, he cries. He really cries bitterly. Tears can pour from the eyes or flow down the walls of the heart, but they usually happen. And with these tears begins the healing of pain, the healing of loneliness. This is a very important important stage of growing up. And this is the moment when you understand that you can become a source of unconditional love yourself. Well, let's say, not always)) But sometime, when you want. For example, still withstand the indignation of your child. And someone else to make pleasantness. Because you don’t have to expect from anyone what they cannot give, but you can take it yourself.