Sometimes I want to kill her, but you can’t think like that, because this is my mother”, “Dad always says I'm stupid. I don’t know what else needs to be done to make him respect me,” “I can feel her pursed lips in the distance and if we want to talk, I’m all shrinking like a child, and I’m over 40. ”People who have learned to successfully manage corporations, who have global authority, boldly take on huge risks, remain helpless in only one situation - a dialogue with their own parents at a conflict consultation most often through rporativnye conflicts we come to this first, retracted into the unconscious conflict, which tend not to tell anyone.
Many successful entrepreneurs found a way out that they left their parents away. And this is a very competent decision. But this does not always help: “it seems to me that she controls me at a distance”, “Sometimes such tension is created that it is easier for me to make at least some decision, instead of what I really want.” And rare meetings still bring serious pain and internal dialogue with parents does not stop and creates conflicts in another environment.
How to communicate with the dearest, closest and at the same time the most toxic people? Some useful techniques from conflict management.
Keep calm
“You are a dumbass”, “you are a slob”, “you are a loser”, “you are a bad mother”, “only this could happen to you” - these and other abusive epithets from our relatives are especially painful for us. We are indignant, argue, rush to defend our own positions. Sometimes the conversation is over, and the debate on this topic in my head does not subside. Here the main law of conflict resolution will help.
It is important to remember that everything your loved one wants to offend you has nothing to do with you personally. This is all a projection of their inner conflict. Yes, they consider themselves stupid, bad mothers, losers, and so on. Or they sacrificed something valuable for themselves, but no one appreciated it. In any case, what was said in a fit of emotion is not about you. About them. Exhale and try to perceive it this way - it becomes easier, there will be no conflict. Checked.
I just want to protect you from talking to your parents about this projection. No need to treat them. The phrase “this is your internal conflict” will take the situation to an unsolvable stage.
You will only know their weaknesses now that you know the main law of conflict resolution. And you can control the dialogue, while maintaining inner calm.
Scenario change
Each of us, entering into communication, knows and predicts the reactions of the interlocutor. And this means that you are in some kind of communication scenario. Notice how you communicate differently with different people: affectionately with someone, hard with someone. Enter certain roles: now a son, then a friend, soon a brother, just a subordinate and now the boss. For each of the roles, the body has certain reactions. For example, when a business partner wants to hurt you, you will certainly offer a constructive solution in return, but when your parents offend you, we behave just like in childhood.
The most interesting thing is that you already know the communication scenario, as if by notes. You cannot change your parents, but you can change your style of participation in this communication. And thereby you create your own, new rules by which communication will develop. The second side will be forced to adjust, seeing that the previous methods do not work.
For example, you always took offense at some phrases, but now you shrug your shoulders and continue to act further, or you used to squeeze inside and pull your shoulders in, but now you straighten it, you used to shout - now you laugh, you used to agree, but now you said a firm “no.”
This new introductory one will force the other side to reconsider the whole style of your communication, since, as the ancient Chinese saying goes, “in order to clap your hands, you need two palms”, in order to play the script, you need at least two people.
The reaction will not change right away. Very often, parents will slide into the familiar communication scenario and drag you along. Be persistent and do not give them the reaction that they expect from you.
Rules of the game
20 missed important negotiations in an hour, total control of where you are and with whom - often parents break the boundaries by not ringing at the right time. Then they are offended by an annoyed tone or dropping calls.
It is necessary to establish rules for such calls. For example, we call up only 2 times a week, at 19.00, the rest of the time - only in emergency cases.
It is important to remember that the rules are the same for the two parties, therefore, first of all, it is necessary to ensure that the rule is respected.
Making decisions
Very often, even as adults, we make decisions under the influence of our parents. Or they create pressure and incline us to the necessary intention, and we make a choice contrary. That the one that the other option is not our choice. And the dissonance between the desired and the real generates an internal conflict now with us. How to get rid of this influence? After all, sometimes we ourselves can understand that we did not want this at all only after a time when it was too late to influence this choice.
Once they showed me such a technique, maybe it will help you too: before making any decision, stop listening to the parents' internal voices and end the argument with them.
Just close your eyes and remember the happiest moment in life.
And make a choice from this state, the state of happiness. The first thing I did was move the coffee away. In a state of happiness, he is not needed. Perhaps you can make a decision by rejecting the pressure that parents create in order to lobby their interest. More precisely your choice for your life. And you have it is completely different. Its.
Each situation is individual and here it is sometimes impossible to give any general recipes. The main thing, remember - the way parents behave is not their fault, this is their misfortune. Sometimes these stereotypes and scenarios are passed down from generation to generation. Their upbringing, their fears, their pain. Love sometimes takes the strangest forms. And in some of their absolutely awkward gestures of love more than in the movies.
Now you are stronger, wiser and more successful, and all this thanks to your parents. Or contrary. Thank you for that.