"And a groan stands throughout the earth: my dear, what have I done to you?"
M. Tsvetaeva
Once I read a psychologist’s phrase: no one throws anyone, just one goes forward. Then they told me: both are to blame for the break. It hit me. How so! They left me! They treated me unfairly. This happened during pregnancy, which was especially mean!
And only now I understand the essence.
Pain
Now I am writing these lines in order to partially "close the gestalt," and on the other hand, so that you, abandoned, can easily survive all this. It hurts. Very painful. And your psyche will refuse to recognize the caustic truth of your decision. Yours, not hiss.
I want to say right away - I do not condone men who abandon women with children. I want only you girls to show how and why you created this situation yourself. And, in fact, realizing that you can deal with it faster.
Cynical analysis
Before the gap in the lives of two people, a great tension arises. Dislike, claims to each other, lack of sex and dissatisfaction with the situation in which people live are growing. This tension increases over time. Someone from a couple, someone for whom the cons from the gap already outweigh the advantages of living together, puts an end to it.
Why do men usually do this?
Or why you didn’t do it:
1. Because women, as a rule, are more dependent on external factors and public opinion. “What will the neighbors say,” “and what will I live on,” “as I will explain to my parents.”
2. Because there is a fear of independent material support. It is not easy to share loans, cars, apartments, children, etc.
3. If you abandon him, you will become a bitch. And if he is you - poor thing. The poor thing will be spared, and the bastard will be condemned. Profitable, right? Moreover, you are not an angel either. And two parties are to blame for the divorce. But, in our society it is customary to look for the guilty, idealize the victim and condemn the bastards. The victim's behavior is encouraged starting with children's tales and short stories, continuing with Russian classics and songs.
4. Children, like they are without a father, poor things. Fatherlessness is not encouraged.
5. "Yes, where is he without you!". You are sure that you have provided it with everything you need. Dinner, cleaning, children, occasionally sex, what else is there? And even sacrificed themselves, but he does not appreciate.
6. Fear of change.
7. You want to be proud of. Like grandmothers and those heroic women who raised children alone. This is a feat. And you unconsciously want to repeat it.
8. You think that he will not dare to do this. For all of the above parameters.
Meanwhile, the situation in the house becomes unbearable. Men come off in bars, go into virtual worlds, linger at work or fall into the arms of another lady. With your incidental filing.
From your submission
Another woman in the life of a man appears only with the submission of his wife.
Remember how many times you refused to have sex, how many times you neglected a man when you stopped praising him, and only began to nag and complain. Yes, just talk heart to heart, and not on household issues.
To do something together (except for trips to my mother and all relatives), to do not what I should, but what I want. Laugh together. Enjoy life.
The director of your life is you and only you. A man plays the role assigned to him in it. They brought up the divorce together, but the form is exclusively your choice. And if a woman decided to become a victim and blame the man for all the troubles - nothing will stop her. “She didn’t say anything bad to him,” women usually say. But it's not a matter of words, understand? The word “yes” can be insulted, and the word “rubbish” can be admired. The point is what you are not negotiating. The point is what you are silent about. And be afraid to admit even to yourself. After all, then you have to change something. But what and how is incomprehensible.
The best decision in your life
It was the best solution for both of you. You will understand this soon. When you stop suffering and get down to business. You will feel incredible freedom and lightness. And now, the main task is to jointly preserve our psyche, children and everyone around us. They don’t need to know the truth about “what a bastard is”. It’s enough to see that you are doing it.
So why did you want to be abandoned? Honestly check your condition, ask one question: why is this situation beneficial for you? You subconsciously directed this decision.
And don't throw tomatoes at me. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. Although the one who would tell me about this 18 years ago, I would have crashed.