Toxic people are those who get you crazy and clearly enjoy it. Those who take advantage of our weaknesses and drive us into stress. Those who provoke us to wrong emotional decisions. They were called toxic because they, as a poison, poison their lives with their behavior. How to defeat them? Especially if these are people from close circle - parents, spouses, business partner, boss, colleague, friend. We will analyze one proven method in practice.
Adults do not change
Paradoxically, we can’t do anything with another person - changing his habits, worldview, way of communicating with the world is impossible. To educate adults, and even more so to re-educate, will not work. Moreover, it is better not to touch toxic people, otherwise there may be an explosion. As from the concentration of toxic substances. So what to do? Are they invincible?
In order to defeat toxic people, you need to start with yourself and first of all change your reaction to your communication. In psychology is called super-reward. When you stop giving the person that emotional reward that he expects, which is usually laid down in the scenario of your communication, he will be confused, he will communicate with you in a completely different way or will not be able to communicate at all.
Different facets of us
Usually, when we communicate with another person, we only connect in the dialogue with the party that is suitable for this style of communication. With parents, we conduct a dialogue in a completely different way than with colleagues, but with children otherwise than with the boss. And even with different friends in the same company, we have different communication styles. Like puzzles - despite the fact that we can be different, it is with this person that we connect in communication only in a certain way, preserving a specific scenario of the conversation and our interaction. And it’s extremely difficult to get out of this coupling. But this is real, if you change your internal settings. Then the person will begin to respect the internal borders, and will understand that it is no longer possible to communicate with you. Will be forced to look for another scenario or restrict communication. A little about where the super-reward comes from and how it defines our personal style.
Oh, ma! ..
In childhood, each of us parents gave different super-rewards, whether conscious or unconscious. “Ah, what a bully is growing,” my mother repeated daily, “Here is a fidget!” Thus, she gave attention to the child, and he took it as approval and began to consolidate and replicate this style of behavior.
“Do not go on asking until you ask,” “Shut up, do not flicker,” my mother told another person. And he grew up completely different.
The worst thing for a child is the indifference of an adult on whom he depends. Without him, he is unable to survive. Therefore, behavior that causes at least some kind of reaction, whether positive or negative, is remembered, reinforced and repeated by children. The evaluation pole is not important, it is important that the adult responds. As a result, we all got different scenarios of interaction with important people. Someone received approval for being rude, and someone for the position of the victim. People grew up, but the scripts remained.
And we lose one and the same way of interacting with people over and over again, essentially getting the same result.
Exit script
You probably noticed that with some people, “toxic” change in the face and the style of conversation becomes different? They are not asked tactless questions, they are not sawed in public, they do not insult and do not treat with arrogance. And all just because no one behaved with them like that in childhood. They can break off an unpleasant dialogue, be surprised if someone dares to play a trick on them, clearly define their boundaries. And even the most arrogant abuser with them is either at a loss or selects other words and a way of communication. This does not mean that they are special, it means that you can also. It is enough to make a decision within yourself: it is impossible with me! And no longer give the offender the reaction that he is waiting for.
How to act?
At first confusion sets in: after all, we understood how it was impossible, but we did not know at all how we could and should behave. It is important here - to start, change the "-" to "+". For example, you were always upset, and now you laughed, you usually cried, and now you are discussing things clearly on points.
Let us examine an example: Nikolai has a toxic colleague; he regularly tries to humiliate him in a dialogue. Every time our hero needs to turn to him, everything is compressed inside him, and he drags this conversation out for as long as possible. During the dialogue, Nikolai is clamped and tense, looking at the floor or over the right shoulder of the interlocutor. A colleague starts letting go of malicious jokes; Nikolai usually listens to them, changing his face. And he is just waiting for this. Usually Nikolai is confusedly trying to translate the dialogue into a constructive channel, quickly resolves his question and leaves.
Now he knows that he needs to change his behavior so that his colleague changes his approach to communication. Nikolay conducted self-training and realized that he communicates with other people differently. There are times when it is easy for him to communicate.
So, the first thing he does is going to a meeting, like a holiday, singing. When communicating, he looks directly into the eyes, straightens his shoulders and leads a dialogue from a position of strength. When a colleague, as before, is trying to joke caustically, Nikolai with one raising eyebrow shows that such jokes are inappropriate. And now a colleague is confused, does not know how to behave further. And now he is confusedly responding to questions. Nikolai returns to the workplace as a winner. A colleague is looking for another victim.
And so, the toxic master is defeated. It remains to consolidate this style of behavior, because it will not calm down the first time.
This is how this method works. The real antidote to toxic people.