Have you ever slammed a door before? Or throw something at something with the whole swing? Remember what it feels like? It gets a little easier at one point, and then the sawing system of yourself is often activated: "Do not do this, pull yourself together," or feel guilty about what you said, what you threw away or what you broke in the heat. Such splashes happen to us, adults, when we feel cornered and can't spill our indignation on the offender directly. Then we need to at least pour this boiling energy where it can be poured out.
The same thing happens to children. Those kids who rip off spiders' legs, fry ants or play with a cat "I'll choke you with love" are not cruel kids. These are the children who need a splash because inside something is shrinking, boiling and can't come out - most often on the people they love, who are the most painful offenders - on their parents.
Explaining to a child that it is not possible to throw out emotions in this way makes almost no sense, because he or she cannot do it in another way. This energy of helplessness needs to be put somewhere else. He will remember your explanations: these will be the words that he will say to himself later in his adult life after slamming the door. But they will not solve the situation.
The outbursts of aggression of a child are a cry for help. The child needs an infinite flow of love without conditions
That is, not for his behavior, nor for his success and evaluation, but for nothing, just because he is. Ask yourself: What conditions do you set for your child to love him? How does he or she have to prove that he or she is a good person, decent, honest, strong, intelligent - what should your child be like for you to accept him or her? The more conditions, the harder it is to satisfy them. The less chance a child has of getting your unconditional favor, the more he or she will need to find a way out of his or her "who I am, I am wrong" pain.
The child needs a loving leader in the face of the parent. That is, if the child hit you, you can defend yourself by stopping the blow, but in no case giving up. Instead, you should go down to his eye level and say to him, "I'm hurt and I don't want you to hit me. But I'm still wondering why you're so angry. And listen to what he'll say to you without making excuses or explaining that you did the right thing. Through trust, you'll rather teach him to verbalize anger, guide him in a constructive direction, and you'll have a chance to make a real difference in your relationship.
In the specific situation where a child breaks another child's sand house, there are three important rules:
1. Do not interfere with the showdown. As long as the child does not cause physical damage. He must learn to resolve conflicts. The abuser and the victim learn the boundaries at this point and develop the skills to defend their boundaries and not to cross others' borders.
2. to be interested in the child's feelings without judging the child for them. Try asking: "What made you so angry?", "Look, did you break another boy/girl's job, did something upset you? And listen to what happens inside the child. Maybe he will explain, or maybe he doesn't understand it himself. If he can explain something to you, don't answer to this, but only sympathize with him: "I understand, it would upset me too. Let's think about how this can be changed. In any case - to be interested and to help with love and patience to understand and channel aggression into the safe zone: for example, to beat with a stick just on the sand, not to hurt anyone, to sink with all the strength of his legs, to invent creatively some form of expression and output of aggressive energy without prejudice to the outside world. Being on the child's side, supporting and not judging.
3. not to reprimand a child in front of others, not to shame and scold him. Otherwise, he will shut himself up and feel misunderstood and helpless, and still will not find a solution to the problem. In case of damage, it should be stopped without any assessment and said, for example: "I don't want you to hurt/break a toy. What made you so angry? If the toy is broken, you can go to the shop together and buy a replacement broken, and then give it to the victim on the playground. It is important for the child to do this on their own and to experience it: if I break it, I have to make up for it in order to play together.
Be on the child's side. This is what he needs the most, because he feels alone in his helplessness. And if you change your tactics, he can change too. And most likely, the need to spill out anger in this form will disappear by itself.