Attachment theory tells us that a child needs to grow in love and support. That cruelty and punishment do not prepare children for future difficulties. That the child has the right to experience different feelings and should weep for his "tears".
Parents are a safe little world for children, where they will always receive support and assistance. This theory, on the one hand, is very simple and, on the other, incredibly difficult in practice. Because many parents have to redraw themselves so as not to slap, scream, to be offended for “bad words” when there is no power left, just to understand, accept the situation and try to solve it together. Or just hug and tell me about your love. Take on the role of a responsible dad/mom, not ideal, but not afraid to admit their mistakes and cherish a close and trusting relationship with their child.
Fools do not show half-lives
Tessa was 2 years old. And 2 months ago, her younger brother was born and her stable world fell apart. I rolled the trolley with the baby in circles in the garden, and my two-year-old daughter rushes after me with a cry "Mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" I do not hiss at her in a fit of hatred, I take her in my arms and roll her cart.
On one hand - a trolley, in another - 20 kg baby. I find it difficult and uncomfortable. My own mother instills in me the belief that you need to somehow lay down your daughter and not allow yourself to sit on your neck.
She is 3 years old and her one-year-old brother interferes with her games. “Let Daniel go! Let him go, "she cries, and I say," You want to be one. You want mom to be just yours, ”and I put everyone on one knee. "I have you alone, I can't break, I love you both. I do not want Daniel because he is my son. And I don't want you because you're my daughter. You are my two children and I will not expel any of you. " It's hard for me to have two of them, but I'm not ready to send anyone hissing for exile, I'm exhausted and tired, but I still disagree.
Daniel is two years old, he is now fighting for his unity, swinging a heavy machine in his hand and wanting to hit. And I was catching his hand and saying for the thousandth time: “You are very angry now. You want to hit Tessa so hard that she doesn't exist at all. And you want to hit me because you are very angry with me. But I won't let you beat her. And I won't let you beat yourself. And I won't let anyone beat you. " It is terribly demanding to me, and I dream to pour both of them in the first number in order to become quiet and decent. But I decided that I would not. And I don't have that.
Another published post on the network again raised to the surface the topic of "lash out" 6-year-old boy who disobeyed the call not to jump on the couch. Some part of me understands this inner triumph, instill authority, show who's in charge here, quietly and no-no.
When I read the theory of attachment at an early age of my children, I remember how unfortunate it was for me to read a postulate like "a child with a strong attachment to parents without effort". Oh god, I thought, I'm probably doing everything wrong, here's my three-year-old on the floor in hysterics, and I understand and tolerate her, my two-year-old is breaking everything around and nobody is listening, and all this is in vain! Maybe it was necessary to pour the first number, not to come to the next "Mamaaaaaa!", To punish so as not to squeak !! My God, how I wanted to do it! To understand, once and for all, who's in charge here.
And now they are almost 7 and 9, and for a long time, it is enough for me to raise my eyebrows so that they stop, as in the same theory of attachment. Surprisingly, the fact is that it happened. That foundation of trust and respect, to myself and to them, which I crumbled, hysterically, endlessly patiently built - it now holds the whole house of our relations.
To be continued in the next part https://zen.yandex.ru/media/id/5d7253b81d656a00aec13040/how-attachment-theory-works-in-practice-part-2-5d8fa58978125e00b183cab8