When Love Comes to an End

Even though no feelings were left, she kept on thinking about him. 'What if I had done it differently...' But she knew that she wouldn't. No other way was possible in their story. It was meant to end like that. No happy ending. No growing old together. No happily ever after. Just long and torturing pulling strings of each other's hearts. Not trying to hurt each other, more like trying to prove that 'I am ok without you'. Not trying to win the race, more like trying to survive it. Even after the race was over long time ago.

They were meant to end like that. They knew their relationship had an expiration date. Nevertheless, it was not a sensible adult ending. It was messy, confusing and depressing. Ending when noone actually knew what they were doing. Ending that left noone happy and left everyone hurt and broken.

Now when she looked at other men, something was always missing. Something that was extremely important for her, but she couldn't identify what on earth was that. This intangible thing didn't let her cross the fine line and put the wall down. The wall was growing bigger and bigger. The Great Wall of mistrust, fear to make the same mistakes again and endless disappointment.

She didn't want to love anymore. She refused to love anymore. She was terrified at the idea of falling into this trap again. However, she still gulped down one romantic story after another just to see that there might be a slim chance for her to be happy, to be loved. She was peering into the darkness looking for the light at the end of the tunnel taking the risk of being hit by the upcoming train of another failure. She kept this illusion of her bright future  in the dark corner of her mind. She was toying with it like with  a tiffani ring she could never afford. Curiously. Carefully. Jealously. Scared to break.

But every time when she put the book down and turned back to the reality, life threw her back to earth with a bang, proving that life is not a fairytale. Her dreams crashed against the harsh merciless real world. Prince Charming was getting bald and had a beer belly, the white horse was just a fleabag. And every time she ended up standing on her knees and drawing random wavy lines on the ashes of her demolished hopes and dreams, alone with shame and unreasonable guilt.