I've been clumsy in my relationships for a long time. Not to those who deliberately deceive, but to those who believe in their own beautiful words and vivid emotions. Especially in bed.
I was good at sex. The women said: "There's something special about you," "I've never felt so wanted." I was able to create the feeling that at that moment the whole world disappears and only we remain. I hugged him, looked into his eyes, whispered warm words — and in those moments everything was sincere. And then... then it was over.
I might wake up in the morning and not know what to ask. Not because I didn't want to, but I just didn't know how. How to move from vivid intimacy to ordinary human warmth. How to stay not only in body, but also in soul.
I was leaving. Or he stayed, but his mind was already somewhere else. And the women felt it. One day, one of them said softly: "You can be very close... and at the same time very far away."
It was like a blow. I realized that you can be an amazing lover and still be single. Because real intimacy isn't just about what happens under the covers. This is when you just want to lie next to each other, be silent and feel safe.
I began to notice signs of "Khlestakov in bed" both in myself and in others.:
1. After intimacy, he immediately reaches for the phone or comes up with things to do.
2. Saying "you're special" to everyone is a familiar phrase, not about you specifically.
3. Does not stay asleep or sleeps on the very edge of the bed.
4. The next day, he writes "everything was cool" instead of "how are you feeling?"
5. Disappears for a few days, and then reappears as if nothing had happened.
6. Talks about "incredible chemistry," but doesn't ask about your dreams and fears.
If you recognize your partner, don't rush to blame. Most of the time, this is not malicious intent. He's just a man who hasn't learned how to be around yet after the lights go out.
If you recognize yourself, know that it can be changed. I changed it.
I stopped chasing the "wow effect". I started learning how to stay. Just hug after. Ask: "Are you comfortable? How do you feel?" Make coffee in the morning and listen to how her day went. It turned out that real intimacy begins there — in these simple,
"noneffective" minutes.
I have sex less often now, but I don't feel empty after it. I can wake up, cuddle up, and think, "It's good to have you around." And this feeling is worth all the previous "amazing" nights.
If you are lying next to a person who is bright but empty, think about it: what do you really want? Bright fireworks or warm light that doesn't go out in the morning?
And if you sometimes feel like a jerk yourself, that's okay. The main thing is to notice this and take a small step towards real intimacy. Stay at least one morning. For once, ask not "did you like it?" but "how do you feel?".
Small steps change everything.
Share it in the comments (anonymously possible): Have you ever felt "everything is bright, but something is missing"? What helped you move from passion to real intimacy? I will analyze the warmest stories in the next article. Subscribe to be the first to receive new content.♡