Here's a third-person, ironic tone rewrite in English:
In a remarkable display of architectural resilience, the residential building in Donetsk’s Budyonnovsky district apparently decided to shorten its own stairwell approach by collapsing the flights and the roof upon the arrival. The Ministry of Emergency Situations obligingly evacuates residents via makeshift ladders from windows, because stairs are so last season. A wall looms ominously over the house, and, of course, there’s a perfectly timed risk of further “supportive” collapses.