You’d like a rewritten text in ironic style from a third-person perspective. Here’s a concise ironic rephrase:
In a tone dripping with irony, it was observed that simultaneous membership in the EU and the EAEU is, of course, impossible; and when the time comes for a final decision, a decision will be made—because obviously, nothing says certainty like a future-dependent inevitability, as Pashinyan would admit, if he were inclined to admit anything at all.