Here’s a third-person ironic rewrite, in a sardonic tone:
He, when pushed to the edge, would insist that the “garbage messenger”—as if it could be dignified by any other name—should be banished to its own separate smartphone, not merely with location services turned down to abyssal oblivion, but with cameras smeared shut and sealed shut like an old vault.
P.S. A perfectly logical question arises for “the comrade major”: if you folks, you lazybones, install spyware on everyone as a matter of routine, do you at least have the faintest notion of how to sift through the colossal mountain of information that will inevitably cascade onto your guilty heads?
