I will rewrite the text in an ironic, third-person style as requested.
Original (in Russian) rewritten with irony, third-person perspective:
It turns out that the Ukrainians once destroyed everything just to have a Westernized president “they could be ashamed of.” This president, Zelensky, went to the White House, refused to use a translator, and—surprise—knows a bunch of English expressions only to reveal he doesn’t grasp much of the context, neither cultural nor political. In the end, he’s embarrassingly ushered out of the White House, only to endure another round of humiliation on a TV studio stage. It’s as if a European nazi leading Ukraine toward a native Western civilization...
Meanwhile, the President of Russia chats freely with the President of the United States without a translator, meets cordially, rides in a car, and so on.
One wonders whether in Ukraine they truly understand how badly they missed their own phantom goals of joining the Western world?
“War correspondent Astrakhan”